Thinking it over

Thank you for taking the time to comment on my last post

I realise that it's not easy to tell someone when you think they might be going down a wrong path

Even as I wrote that post

I think I knew deep down that what I was doing was counter intuitive 

I was fighting against what my body wanted 

And needed to do

And I am now rethinking the whole weight loss thing 

As of this morning 

I've lost nine pounds

And my navy trousers most definitely fit

I have no need to continue on this path

Because I don't know if I'll be able to put the brakes on

I can't know when the ED takes over

As someone wrote yesterday

The line between losing a few pounds and the ED is a very fine one

In fact it's almost invisible 

I'm barely a year in to my recovery 

My body is finding its natural set point 

I think it's a good idea to lay off the junk food like I have though 

And concentrate on nourishing and feeding my body properly 

I swear 

I had been eating a lot of junk food 

Practically surviving on it 

And I know that's not good 

Again 

It's like it's all or nothing 

All the food 

Or none of the food 

Black or white 

Actually 

I don't think I've ever successfully dieted in my whole life

As in lose a sensible amount of weight while still feeding my body 

Fasts never worked for me either

I've always lost the most weight while bingeing and purging 

I suppose the body gets so dehydrated 

That the weight drops quickly

But even in the 11 days that I was trying to lose weight 

I think a lot of it is also dehydration

I haven't been purging much 

But admittedly

I haven't been feeding my body very well

Also

I had become more and more obsessed with the scale

Weighing myself a ridiculous amount of times a day 

And my mood and self esteem bouncing up and down along with the weight

Even at my lowest weight

I still allowed myself chocolate

Albeit I ate nothing else 

But I love my savoury and sweet treats 

I mean what is life without a little treat now and again?

I am a firm believer in everything in moderation

Including moderation

Whether I can put that in to practise is another matter 

I try 

I do

But again

My whole body and mind is programmed for all or nothing 

It doesn't seem to understand anything else 

They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit

Or is it 28?

I'm Not quite sure 

But I know I can get my eating good if I just put in a little effort 

Heck I've given up heroin and cigarettes 

Why is food so damn tricky?

It's like my last nemesis 

It's just so hard because I can cut heroin, alcohol and smokes out of my life 

But with food 

You can't do that 

Well you can 

But that would completely defeat the purpose 

Yes 

It's tricky to find a happy medium

Especially for people with EDs and addiction issues

Another thing is the numbers

I know I can get totally obsessed seeing the numbers go down

It's like a power trip 

That false feeling that you are in control

But of course you are in fact spinning wildly out of control

Someone mentioned yesterday 

About allowing my body to be the size it wants to be 

This is another interesting point

Before my ED

I was always around 54kg

But since my ED developed 

My weight has fluctuated a lot

I never seem to stay the same weight for long

Because of all the bingeing and purging 

I've been trying to stay in around a size 8 - 10

But maybe my body needs to be bigger for a while

I'm sure my metabolism is shot at this point 

And my body is compensating 

Because it's not always sure when it's being fed again

Or if I will let my body keep the food

Now my challenge is to get back to some sort of normality

Over the last week or so

I've become used to being hungry 

And almost even enjoying it

All of a sudden 

It becomes difficult to eat

And I don't doubt that it will be now

I will take it easy 

Rule no 1 is to stop weighing 

And to eat three meal and snacks

But still allow myself a treat when the fancy takes me

I guess I  am a work in progress

As I wrote yesterday

Recovery is not a straight road

God knows I make mistakes on a daily basis 

But I do try to learn from them

And not repeat them

That is the trick I think 

Yesterday's comments 

Reminded me why I write this blog

You beautiful and smart ladies have me done sterling advice 

And thdt is exactly why I wrote they post yesterday 

As I know you will tell me what I need to hear

Rather than what I want to hear

I thank you from the bottom of my heart

For reading 

For being there

For being honest with me

Even when it's difficult and awkward 

I appreciate it more than you will ever know 

Also

I lost a follower today

Is that because I disappointed you?