Ana bites back???

The past week has been tough

And I've avoided writing about it 

Because I don't know if there's cause for concern

I don't know if what I am doing is normal

Or an ED behaviour

I don't know if I should even write about it

But when I read Kate's post the other day

And saw she had the courage to post how she was feeling 

This blog is not about how recovery is all rainbows and unicorn farts

This blog is about reality

About what life is like living with

And recovering from an ED and addiction

And let me tell you

Recovery is not a straight path 

There are many twists and turns

And bumps and obstacles along the way

Sometimes it feels like one step forward

And two steps back

Right now I feel like I have taken those steps backwards

Let me explain

In recent times 

I had stopped weighing 

And was using my clothes as a measure of my size

I had certain items of clothing that were like a gauge for me

One item being a pair of navy trousers that I bought in London summer 2014

These trousers are a size 10

But have a really tight fastener at the front 

When I bought them 

They were a bit too big 

But I like to have a bit of wiggle room in my clothes

Over the next year my weight was quite stable 

And any time I tried on the trousers 

They always fit 

Then this year my weight fluctuated quite a lot 

I lost weight in Turkey

But put it on again when I came home 

Then 

About 10 days ago 

I weighed myself 

The number didn't devastate me

In fact it didn't mean a whole lot

But then 

I tried on said navy trousers 

And couldn't close the clasp

Albeit they were just a little bit too tight

But to me

That was unacceptable 

I didn't plan on doing anything 

I wasn't dieting or anything like it 

But one thing was for sure

I was getting back in to those trousers 

So

I began to be more mindful of what I was eating 

And decided not to eat after my main meal in the evening 

And dare I say it

I even had a goal weight

Am I on dodgy ground yet?

I think so...

The last ten days

Ive been weighing myself every morning 

I've lost eight pounds 

And want to lose a few more 

I must stress though

I am not under weight 

And goal weight is not under weight 

I just want to fit in my clothes 

That's ok

Isn't it?

I don't know 

This all seems harmless

And maybe I  am totally deluded 

The navy trousers close now 

But now I want more room I them 

Is that ED talking?

I don't know guys 

Please tell me if this sounds disordered 

Or if it's normal to want to lose a few pounds 

Because I don't want to go backwards 

I don't want to be underweight

I don't want to put my family through that nightmare again

I've told my mother about my plan

And asked her to alert me if I'm getting obsessive 

I am eating 

And I am not starving 

Or bingeing and purging 

I'm just being a little more careful with what I choose to eat 

I just want to feel ok in my skin

I just want to fit in to my clothes 

I just want to be healthy and happy 

I do not want to harm myself 

Or any one else 

Thoughts please..