Thursday, 7 January 2016

Thursday 7 January

I'm just back from seeing Mary
Which was such a relief to see her 
I was early for my appointment
And had just sat down in the waiting room
When she popped her head around the corner 
We got straight down to business
And she asked how I am doing 
With my words in a jumble
Trying to make sense
I told her about struggling recently 
Losing weight
Losing my mind 
My mood dipping
My purging increased 
She said that in all likelihood 
My mood dropping 
And purging more are connected 
As if I'm purging more
Then I'm not getting the benefit of my meds 
It then becomes a viscous circle 
Of one feeding the other 

We talked about what I'm doing with my days 
Which is very little these days 
And I know that's a huge problem for me
I don't have anything to fill my days 
So inevitably 
I end up getting myself in some sort of trouble 
The devil makes work for idol hands and all that 
We talked about the support groups 
And how they help me when I go 
We made a list of things for me to do 
Before I see her next week
Which includes a meal plan
Shopping list 
Check out the local writing group
The Womens centre 
And possibly part time work 
For the first time in a long time 
I actually feel motivated
To get back on track 
To realise my potential
As Mary said 
It's a big wide world out there 
And it's there for me to explore 

I had gone so low recently 
That everything seemed like an effort 
I spent my days at home
And if I did go out 
I was always anxious to get home 
Now that I've spoken to Mary
I feel a bit clearer in my mind what I need to do
Sometimes that's all it takes
For someone else to gently guide you in the right direction
Everyone is always telling me that I have great potential 
And that's all very well
But what does that mean?
That I could do something wonderful
My confidence has taken a battering recently 
And I'm feeling quite raw emotionally
The thought of putting myself out there is very scary 
But I know 
If I could just take the first step
Then the rest will be easier 

Myself and Mary write down all my homework 
She wished me a happy new year
And gave me a big hug before I left 
Which was lovely 
I'll be seeing her once a week for the next few weeks 
And you know what?
I think I can do it 
I think I can get back on track 
Living in the midst of an ED
Is nothing short of miserable, lonely and utterly soul destroying 
I'm not willing to live my life like that 
The last eight weeks
Of being back in ED mode
Have shown me that nothing has changed 
Anorexia/bulimia are their same old selves 
I don't want to deal with that any more 
I have a life to live

Before I left 
Mary asked me about weighing
I told her I was weighing every day
She told me in no uncertain terms 
That I needed to stop
And that she will weigh me once a week
I can't lie 
That's going to be tough 
Weighing is the one thing recently that was feeding my self worth
Now I need to find other ways to maintain it 
Other ways to feel good about myself
In short 
I need to carve out a life for myself 
A routine 
An occupation 
A reason to get up in the morning
Because right now
Apart from my dogs
It's difficult to find a reason to keep going 

I've got to do this
I've just got to 
There is no other option anymore 
I hope I can do it
I think I can do it 
With my families help
The professionals help
And with your help 
I just might have a fighting chance 
The one thing I take out of these situations 
Is the learning 
Something I will improve on the next time 
I mean
I'm not asking for much 
I just want a simple life
A roof over my head 
Food in my fridge
Loved ones at my side 
Dogs at my feet 
A job I love 
And I think these things are achieve able 
I think they are within my grasp
It starts right now 
Having my dinner 
Keeping it down 
Doing my meal plan 
My shopping list 
That's half the battle 
I will start the hunt for things to do 
That's after my hospital appointment 
It's a brand new year 
A fresh start 
What better time to make a change 
I want this 
I need this 
Are you with me....?


  1. oh yes! well done Ruby! Mary is priceless and everything she told you to do makes so much sense! <3

  2. I'm definitely with you, all the way, whatever it takes. I'm so pleased that you got to see Mary, more than pleased in fact. I think she's the one person who you respond well to because of your wonderfully close relationship. Put all your trust in her that she will lead you back on to the right path. Then just imagine the possibilities, the doors that will be open for you, the adventures that you will be able to embark on! I cannot wait to watch you thrive in 2016. Xxxx

    1. Aw thanks Annie
      I know you are there
      And that means the world

      And yes
      Here's to a better 2016
      For all of us! X

  3. Good plan I think. And maybe get rid of the scale altogether? And the stupid navy trousers as well!!! xoxoxoxo

    1. That is the plan Mich
      All of the above items will be removed from my home x

  4. Hey Ruby,
    In so sorry to read that you have been struggling so much. I'm glad you got to see Mary, she sounds like a wonderful person to have in your corner.
    Routine and structure in your days will definitely help you along the way.
    I wish you all the best.
    Anne Xx

  5. Tell Mary thank you from your readers too! I wish I could thank her myself.
    Love, and take care, and good luck with new steps

    1. That's so sweet of you to say
      I will tell her for sure x

  6. I'm rooting for you. I'm going to go with just get some plain clothes that dont have a size or just say "medium". Sad to say but throw everything else out or sell it online. Use the $ to do an online art or writing course. I can't recommemd volunteering enough. It's amazing.

    X shelby

    1. Thanks Shelby
      And yes
      I am going to get busy
      Really looking forward to volunteering
      I'm quite excited it about it

      Thank you so much for your continued support x

  7. For the first time in a long time.... I'm with you! I might be ip but I should hopefully be getting out in the next month or so this week I've moved from 24/7 ng feeds to 6x oral supplements (which is what I'll be discharged on)

    -I need to get back into my art
    -Keep saving my pennies for my new ipad
    -Looking after myself and having some self worth not based on weight
    -I need to find accomodation
    -New friends (as I'm moving to a new city)
    -I need to get back into my music and writing

    I need to for the first time in 20 years put myself first and in turn my friend will help me to get my mh service dog! Those are my goals then I can look at school the. I can look at a job but first I need to look at hobbies and putting me first and not in an eating disordered way!

    I'm with you ruby!


Thank you for leaving some love x