Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Tuesday 5 January

I'm posting later than usual today
As I decided to wait to see my psychiatrist before I posted 
It was a long day waiting around for my afternoon appointment
I walked the dogs
Made dinner
And generally pottered around until it was time to go
I arrived at the building 
And parked in the tiny car park in the back
There was a guy smoking just as I got out of my car 
What I wouldn't have done for a cigarette right then
I continued in to the building
Which used to be a family home
But the health board have taken it over
So the waiting room is actually the kitchen
I took a seat
There were a few people already in there
I figured I was in for a wait 
So I took a magazine
And settled in a chair
It was very busy 
A constant stream of people in and out
I was hoping to see my doctor himself
And not one of his team
Because he knows me
So I was glad when he popped his head around the corner
And called me in to a little room

I don't think I mentioned
That I spoke to Mary yesterday 
And asked if I could see her 
She said that was no problem 
I just had to say it to my psychiatrist 
He started off by saying 
That Mary had emailed him
Which I was glad of 
That's Mary all over
So reliable and dependable 
So my psych had an idea of what was happening for me
He asked about weight loss
My mood 
My sleep
I told him that I am enduring life
Rather than enjoying it
He said that it sounds like I am depressed
And might not be getting the benefit of my meds because of so much purging 
He then asked if anything had triggered this slip (Note: still reluctant to call it a relapse!)
I told him about the navy trousers incident
And wanting to lose a few pounds
But then couldn't stop
He said it was most likely that my mood had dropped before then 
As usually that kind of thing wouldn't bother me
I have clothes in every size under the sun
So one pair of trousers fitting 
Is not usually a big deal
And thinking about it 
My mood had dropped gradually in the last few months 
Even in Turkey I was not in great form
And my mother confirmed this 

Meds were considered 
He said that my Prozac could be increased
But he was reluctant to do that until I had spoken to Mary 
So that's an option
Hopefully I will get to see Mary next week
And she will be able to help me out things right
Because my purging is spinning out of control
And am now purging 5-10 times a day
It's no wonder I am feeling so bad
My BMI is now 18
Not clinically anorectic 
But nevertheless less 
It's still heading in the wrong direction
And because I've lost the weight so quickly
My body is suffering

Hopefully this is the start of my getting on top of things again 
I don't know why it didn't occur to me that I was depressed 
I mean
That's kind of obvious 
But again
I haven't been myself 
And sometimes you don't see how low you've gone 
Until someone else points it out

Before I finish 
I just want to thank you all for your continued support
I know it must be frustrating witnessing my slips and falls 
But as ever
You have been there 
And that means more than you know 
Thank you


  1. So GLAD you've talked to Mary & will see her next wk, [AND saw Breda ystrdy]; hopefully your bloods results will give indication of the electrolytes situ-??

    I love you, Rubly, & will continue Praying;
    PLEASE keep fighting…
    <3 + ((Huggles)); Jils x

    1. Yes
      It is a weight off my mind Jils
      I rang my doctor today to get the results of my bloods
      But no word from him yet
      As ever
      I will keep you posted x

    2. Anybody here suffering with bulimia I want to give you what helped me overcome this.

  2. Frustrated, no. Worried, yes. Whether it's blood sugar, electrolytes, blood pressure (any or all of the above and more) or whatever else, your body is giving you red flags, and your sickness is driving you to shove right past them. I don't want your body to give out when your spirit has so much fight.

    1. That's it Tempest
      My body just won't put with this abuse anymore
      I'm not even drastically underweight
      And my body is hurting so much
      I just don't know which way is up at the moment x

  3. I'm glad that you have both medical help, and support from your family. And this is a slip. To slip is human.

    1. Hopefully I can get back on track CP
      I need the extra support right now
      Let's hope I can turn this around x

  4. I'm beyond glad that you got in touch with Mary. I think it was definitely what you needed to do, and it was so strong of you to do so. Hopefully, seeing your psychiatrist and seeing Mary will give you the boost you need to return that corner and go onwards and upwards once again. You can do this Ruby, trust those around you, put your faith into them and take their advice. I can't wait to watch you soar. XXXXXXxx

    1. Yes Annie
      I am seeking out every support I can
      Talking to the psych today was good
      He took me seriously
      And said he doesn't want me to go back to the miserable place I was
      Now I just need to take a leap of faith
      And start living..... X

  5. I think it started after the Plumber and was ok for a bit, but then the driving test sent you into a tailspin.

    I've been there.

    *Hugs* Ruby


    1. Yes
      I'm starting to think that this has been slowly happening since that far back
      The day with addiction
      That a slip happens long before you pick up the drug
      And I think it's the same with EDs
      This slip was happening long before I started losing weight
      Something to be aware of x

  6. Anything is possible 3 days ago I went from eating nothing drinking nothing orally since October and being continuously ng fed to being asked to eat and have over night feeds this freaked me out the whole eating thing so instead I'm on resource 2.0 and ensure 6xs a day to make up for the calorie intake. And trust me don't I hate every main meal those resources are disgusting!

    Anyway I've been in hospital 10weeks this week it's been a rough rough rd but now I have goals like getting a service dog and staying with my grandparents until suitable accomodation can be found.

    I have a whole hoard of dx all confirmed on Monday sadly
    -bpd TRAITS
    -anxiety (general and social)

    Not to mention my health issues I'm finally getting some face to face help from neurology and cardiology! Which makes me very hopeful

    My psych meds too I feel Do very little to help the cause. But they have issues prescribing me things because of my heart issues which there may not be anything that can be done about which limits my neurology options. Going back to the Prozac what dosage are you on Hun? I'm supposed to titration up to 80 (possibly tomorrow?) which is supposed to help in many areas particularly my PTSD but also my anxiety and depression but I've also been told mirtazapine as a combination can help so we will see....


Thank you for leaving some love x