Monday, 4 January 2016

Monday 4 January

This are beginning to come to a head
I've been feeling so low 
Both physically 
And mentally
I always say that the day that I don't walk my dogs 
Is a day there is something very wrong with me
Well these days myself and Lea are only going for short token walks
Bless her 
She doesn't seem to notice the difference 
And still comes back happy
As if she'd walk 5 miles
But it's like they know something is wrong
Lea is so clingy these days 
Always at my side 
Always wanting to be stroked 
Honey is also playing up
Barking like a lunatic every time I go in to the kitchen 
They are so intune 
They pick up on the smallest change in me or their routine 
I hate that I am effecting them too

I went out yesterday morning 
To pick up some food 
When I came home 
My Mam came to speak to me
And asked me if I was aware that I was stockpiling food again
To be perfectly honest
I wasn't aware
I thought I was just buying neccesities 
But thinking about it 
I am buying bags of binge food 
I am back in the binge purge cycle

Later on last night 
I broke down to my Mam
I told her how shitty I am feeling 
And how low I feel 
She told me to speak to my doctor 
She hugged me
Wiped my tears 
And in a very firm voice told me that I would get through this 
And I would be ok
I felt a little better after speaking to her
But spent the rest of the evening trying to fight back tears 
It's also hard because we have a few visitors staying 
So I'm trying to be in good form
Which as you know, is not easy to do
I know no one expects me to put on a show 
It's pressure I put on myself
I went to bed early 
And cried myself to sleep 

I woke early
In time to keep my 9am appointment 
It being the first day back after Christmas
The surgery was full of people 
I had just taken a seat 
When my name was called 
I followed my doctor in to his room
And sat for a minute while he turned his computer on
Trying to formulate lucid sentences in my head
When he asked me how I was
It poured out of me like word vomit 
Feeling so low physically 
Like I'm going to pass out all the time 
He said I looked very drawn
He took my bloods
To check my electrolytes 
Took my BP
Which was ok 
He also checked my throat 
Which was red
And my glands which were swollen
He thought I might have a virus 
But I said it was probably from the purging 
He agreed 
The dreaded scale 
He weighed me 
I've lost 5 kilos since he weighed me last month
24 pounds in the last 2 months
No wonder I am feeling so bad
My doctor told me to ring in the morning for the results of my bloods
I thanked him
And left

After collecting my meds
I went back to the surgery to see Breda 
The first thing she said to me was how I look drained and pale 
It was an effort just to be there 
To just talk 
And trying to be positive was really wiping me out
She told me to take it easy
To rest 
And look after myself 
Everyone keeps saying this to me 
But I don't know what I'm meant to be doing 
I mean I do know 
But what else should I be doing?
I'm just so tired 
My body is in bits trying to stay together 
The thing is 
And what I was saying to my mum last night 
I can't believe I have been so stupid
To think that I could have lost some weight 
And leave it at that 
Over course my ED was going to take over at some point 

The plan this week
Is to ring Mary
See my psychiatrist tomorrow
And keep my hospital appointment on Friday
Apart from that 
Build myself up again 
I haven't felt this bad in years 
I asked my mother last night
If I am ever going to get well
She replied with absolutely no hesitation or doubt 
Yes Ruby
Of course you will
I hope she is right......


  1. of course you will.

    i implore you to read this post and read a post where you are focused on your recovery. there are stark differences. obvious ones. i honestly believe that they work hand-in-hand. the drawn out mood and the irregular eating habits. when life becomes boiled down to meal skipping, and anxiety around food then your life starts to mean less and less.

    you deserve more.

    take care of yourself. you have done nothing to deserve this, Ruby. you need to fight back. you can and you should and you will. i believe this fully.

    i hope nothing i've said offended you in any way. i just hate seeing people that don't deserve to be in pain suffering.

    -Sam Lupin

    1. Sammy!!
      So lovely to hear from you
      You have been very quiet lately
      Or have I missed your posts?

      No Hun
      You didn't offend me at all
      You speak the truth
      And I appreciate that

      I am scrambling desperately to get back on track
      It's not easy
      But I can't live like this anymore

      Hope you are doing ok x


    3. Anybody here suffering with bulimia I want to give you what helped me overcome this.

  2. Yes Ruby,of course you will. I don't know how to make you feel better but sending lots of love and a big bear huG your way

    1. Just writing a comment
      And being there is enough Pia
      Thank you x

  3. Yes Ruby,of course you will. I don't know how to make you feel better but sending lots of love and a big bear huG your way

  4. Sam's suggestion is good--go back and read your older posts, and maybe you can take some inspiration from them.

    The only advice I can give is what worked for me. The ED wants to do all of your thinking. You have to fight it. Question it. Constantly. Make it like your mantra. Why do you need to lose weight? Why do you have to purge? If you gain weight, will the world end? If you don't purge, will you immediately gain 100 pounds? Of course not. Writing down things like that and sticking them where I could see them all over the house helped. The most important thing to remember is that the ED will never, ever make you happy. It will only make you more and more miserable until it kills you. It's a mean old bitch and you've got to be a mean old bitch right back to it until it fecks off.

    Laughter is also good medicine. I had a really bad relapse at one point, and watching Tim Hawkins videos on youtube probably did more for my recovery than anything else.


    1. You make a lot of sense Mich
      And yes
      Laughter is sometimes the best medicine
      Which I haven't been doing a lot of lately

      I will read over those posts
      I need a good injection of positivity and motivation
      I spoke to Mary today
      So just have to get my doctor to ring her and I can see her again
      So that is good

      Hope you're well
      Happy new year! X

  5. In addition to what Mich says, can you refuse to buy into the lie that the ED feeds you, that you are helpless compared with its strength? Sometimes it is the greatest lie of all....
    Really glad that you are getting in touch with Mary and that your mum is so steadfast. You can beat this, Ruby! Bite by bite :-)

    1. The silly thing is
      That I don't even like the skinny look anymore
      Yet it's not about weight this time
      It was at the start
      But not now
      The number is irrelevant at this point

      Thank you
      And yes exactly
      Bite by bite x

  6. You will get better darling, you just have to believe it yourself so that you can make the positive changes needed to get better. Believe, act, recover. Love and hugs xxxx

    1. Thanks Annie
      I wish I had a bit more belief in myself
      But I am blessed to have people in my life that believe in me instead

      How are you doing? X

    2. I know it's difficult to believe in oneself when you feel so rotten, but you are amazing and have so much to believe in. Please try lovely, it's the only way forward. Use the belief that everyone else has in you to kick start your own belief in yourself.

      I'm so so, seeing the Dr tomorrow (thank goodness), so hopefully will be able to move forward after that.

    3. I hope so Hun
      And I hope it goes well tomorrow
      Let us know how you get on

      Thanks for your continued support
      It means the world x

  7. Our dogs always have a way of knowing when things aren't right. Billy's been going absolutely insane with my recent ambulance trips.
    I really hope Mary and the psychiatrist can help get things back on track. It's a worry you've been so long without ED-specific support.

    Love you Ruby. Thank you for your support lately. Try to take care as best you can <3

    1. Thanks Bells

      Always here for you
      No matter what x

  8. You are obviously wounded somehow. Somewhere in your soul you are sad. X


    1. I feel so sad Shelby
      I really do
      Such a waste of a life..... X

  9. Dearest, darling Ruby, I am worried about you. Oh, how I wish I could help you!

  10. Sorry to hear you're struggling again. Rapid weight loss does affect your moods and health, but you know that as much as me.

    Not much I can really say, but you've managed to do it before and I hope you can do it again.



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