Thursday, 6 October 2016

Course Update

So this morning 
I had an appointment with the course coordinator of the horsemanship course I want to do 
Her name is Atlanta
I arrived in the building bang on 10am
If I am anything 
I am punctual
With a name like Atlanta 
I expected her to look like a mermaid
Or a Disney princess 
But to my disappointment she was a real live human being 
Very friendly 
And filled me in on the course content 
They do three days in the classroom 
Monday to Wednesday 
And Thursday and Friday are spent in the stables 
There are about eight modules 
Including horse riding and health and safety 
Plus some optional modules 
Like IT and communications
The days are quite long 
9am to 4pm 
But there is a half day on a Friday 
Which is nice 
Atlanta read my application 
And told me that their psychologist may want to see me before I start 
Just to make sure I am ready and able for the course 
I don't sweat about things like that 
I know I can come across well with a bit of effort 
Atlanta told me that I am welcome to try the course out for a few days 
To see if I like it 
She suggested next week
But as it turns out
Next week is not good for me
So it will have to be the week after
At least that will give me an idea if it is for me or not 
I also have to contact my local
Social welfare office 
To let them know I am starting the course 
It was a lot to take in today 
But I really like the sound of the course 
I am going to take tonight to think about it 
And ring Atlanta tomorrow with my decision
Of course 
If I start this course 
It will rule out my horse therapy on a Wednesday 
That means so much to me 
And I will miss it so much if I have to leave 
But I also know that I have to move on at some stage 
If I want to progress 
I wrote a lot on my application about the the role animals can play in therapy 
And Atlanta said the course tutors also believed this 
So that is great that we are on the same page

I guess what worries me
And causes me some anxiety 
Is not so much the course itself 
I mean I am pretty sure that I will love it 
It's everything around the course that causes me concern 
I live about a 35minute drive from the centre 
And if the course starts at 9am
I will need to leave home shortly after 8am
Then there is the issue of parking 
I worked out they I could get a bus in and out 
So that would probably be the best option
As the thought of driving every day stresses me out 
Even though I spent the summer working 
I know doing a full time course is really going to tire me out 
At first for certain
Then hopefully I will become accustomed to it 
And it will become easier 
Then there is the pressure of starting in a new place with new people 
I guess those first few weeks when I am finding my feet will be tough 
But once I am settled in 
Hopefully things will become more manageable 
Also 
I have two dogs they need looking after 
So if I do this course 
They probably won't get walked every day 
And they will spend most of the day with my Mam and Dad rather than me
That doesn't pose a huge problem 
But it's something to think about 
I know when I come in in the evening 
They will want attention and hugs 
And it's going to be an adjustment period for all of us 
So yes 
A lot to think about 
But I am really hoping I can rejig things so that I can attend the course
And I can still maintain my recovery 
Which is paramount 
Because with out my recovery 
I literally have nothing 
It is the foundation of my whole life
And it has to take priority 
There will be some practical things that need to be sorted 
Like changing my doctor day from Monday to Friday 
Organising meds 
I'm pretty sure I will have to start taking my meds at night rather than the morning 
As I don't want t be drowsy in class
My good friend Fintan had some wise words for me recently 
He said that if it excites me
And scares me
Then I should probably do it 
And it does 
It both thrills me and terrifies me
Isn't that always the way with dreams?
will take tonight 
To weigh up the pros and cons of doing this course 
But in my heart 
I know what I want to do
I just know 

I met a friend for lunch in town today also 
A girl who was in treatment with me a couple of years ago 
We meet up every few weeks 
To catch up 
Listen 
Chat 
Give advice and take some
Today we talked a lot about perfectionism 
My friend would suffer with this 
As do I 
I don't know if I always was like this 
Because it's only in recovery that I have started to recognise it 
I really noticed it in work this summer 
Agonising over decisions
Staying late to check and re check everything I did
It was pretty bad
And when I came home 
I would stress over whether I had left everything on
Even worrying that the place would burn down because I forgot to turn off the gas or something similar
Perfectionism really seems to be a trait of anorexia 
In EDs in general 
Today I told my friend a little thing my sister taught me
That done is better than perfect!
Love that!
Because I know I could never finish anything 
For fear that it wasn't perfect 
I swear 
Life is too short people 

Anyway 
That is my little update for the day 
Thank you for reading 
And if you have any feedback about the course 
I would be grateful 
Do I stay where I am?
Continuing horse therapy once a week
Or do I push myself?
And throw myself in to this course?
I'd love to know what you think...

8 comments:

  1. This is all so exciting. I think you should definitely give the course a go. Horse therapy has served you well, but I think this could be a great step forward for you.
    Good luck with the little 'trial' week :)

    Lots of love <3
    xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Bells
      For your continued support
      It means a lot x

      Delete
  2. Maybe you'll get lucky and somebody who lives near you will be willing to take turns driving.

    But yeah - do the trial week and see how it feels. I think it fits you pretty well, but maybe you're not ready for full-time or you'd be better with something closer to home.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is my dilemma EM
      I really want to do it
      But I don't know if it will be too much... X

      Delete
  3. I honestly think.... it might be too much...any options closer to home?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have a point Shelby
      I might be biting off more than I can chew
      But something is telling me to go for this
      The centre that runs the course is very supportive
      And I also have a lot of support at home
      But going from one day horse riding
      To five days doing a course is a big leap I know
      I spoke to Atlanta again today
      So I will write an update about that at some stage
      I know you are concerned
      And I appreciate that
      But all
      I can do is try x

      Delete
    2. And you're right of course to do whatever you feel. I just think the commute and the fact you aren't getting paid might be an issue. But on the other hand it will look good in your resume and might lead to other things.

      I didn't mean to be discouraging. Believe me i really want you to move forward.

      Delete
    3. I know Shelby
      I know where you are coming from
      And I worry about that too
      But I have to give it a go
      I just want to ride horses
      And learn all about them
      I just know I will love it
      I appreciate your concern
      I really do
      And this may all back fire on me
      But at least I can say that I tried x

      Delete

Thank you for leaving some love x