Saturday, 8 October 2016

Preparation

I spoke to Atlanta again yesterday 
I wanted to ask her if I could postpone my trial period to the week after next 
As I need to be around next week
As my Dad has some appointments in Dublin
She said that was no problem 
So I start my trial period on the 17th
And then I start the course proper on the 24th
I told Atlanta to go ahead and do her paper work 
Now I just need to go and sort out my payment 
And then I will be official!
Exciting no?
I know that some of you have expressed concern that this course might be too much 
And I totally get that 
I'm concerned too 
It's going to be a long week
With long days 
I figured out that I could get a bus in to town at 7 50am
That gets there at about 8 40am
So that would leave me time to get a cuppa before I start at 9 15am
Then I finish at 4 15pm
And can get a bus home at 4 30pm
Driving is really a no go 
As I'm still waiting to do my test 
And parking will also pose a problem
Busing it will make the day a bit longer 
But I guess I can sleep for the journey 
I also need to sort out my meds 
As you know 
Monday is usually doctor day 
So that will have to change 
Friday is only a half day on the course 
So I will chAnge my appointment to Friday afternoons 
Which is simple enough 
I also need to think about when I take my meds
And will probably have to start taking them at night 
So I am alert during the day
But that is easy enough to implement 
I've had to weigh up the pros and cons of doing this course 
The cons being the long days 
The fact I won't be able to attend horse therapy on a Wednesday 
Less time with my dogs 
Tiredness 
Lots of tiredness 
But there are many pros 
I will be doing something that I love 
I will be out and about 
Learning something new 
I will be horse riding twice a week 
I will be meeting new people who share my passion 
Lots to think about 
It's a huge leap for me 
And it's a risk 
But it's a risk I'm willing to take 

In other news 
I wrote a few posts ago 
About changing my diet 
Read: Not going on a diet 
But just making some adjustments 
I had been taking in so much salt 
That I was constantly bloated 
I was literally living off salt and vinegar crisps and roasted and salted peanuts 
And I really mean that I was eating precious little else 
Even as I ate them
I could feel myself bloating 
And it's such a horrible feeling y clothes felt right 
I looked six months pregnant 
But I craved salt the way I used to crave heroin
I tried many times to kick my salt habit 
Even throwing out all the Pringles and peanuts in the house 
But my cravings were so strong 
I kept giving in to temptation
The final straw came 
Last Thursday 
When I wore a jacket in to town 
And I could almost feel my body swallowing and eating the jacket 
It was so tight I felt so uncomfortable 
So I knew I had to do something 
Not lose weight as such 
But to address the bloating 
And the uncomfortable feeling 
So on Thursday I had my last box of Pringles 
And my last bag of peanuts 
I was super determined to kick this habit 
And eat a healthier and more varied diet 
Yesterday was my first day
And I was literally hanging for a hit of salt 
I came so close to going to the shop for crisps 
Every time I got a craving 
I had something else to eat 
I mean obviously I can't eliminate salt completely 
But I can reduce my intake 
Within hours of kicking my salt habit 
I could feel the bloating disapate 
And my tummy looked less pregnant like 
At some points it was touch and go 
But I managed not to fold 
And today is my second day relatively salt free 
But most definitely crisp and peanut free
I'm also trying to have proper meals 
To keep my blood sugar stable 
As far as my ED goes 
It's a whole lot better 
Not perfect 
But it's about progress not perfection 
I still purge from time to time 
That is proving incredibly hard to eradicate 
But Jesus H Christ 
It is miles better than it was 
I think back to a couple of years ago 
I was out of control 
I spent my days bingeing and purging 
Stealing food from shops 
I had a path work from my kitchen yo my bathroom 
It was crazy 
But I couldn't stop
I couldn't stop
I wanted to 
But I didn't know how
I was killing myself slowly 
It was a nightmare 
Which makes me so grateful for the recovery that I have found 
I am so much better then I was 
And the last nine months 
Things have just got better and better 
I am now living my life 
My way 
And even more than that 
I am enjoying it so much 
I used to wake up in the morning 
And dread the day ahead 
Knowing that I would spent my day with my head in the toilet bowl 
Was soul destroying 
Then there was the daily ritual of weighing myself 
And that number dictated my self worth 
My confidence 
My mood for the whole damn day
I know now that scales serve no purpose for me 
Like an alcoholic in recovery needs to stay away from alcohol
I need to stay away from the scales 
Or any measuring device that measures my self worth in numbers 
At least I've learned that much 
So I'm hoping that in the coming weeks 
My body will settle down 
That the bloating will correct itself 
And that I will feel better in my own skin 
I also know that if I start this course 
I'm going to need to keep my strength up
And that means eating breakfast and lunch and dinner 
No living off chocolate for bursts of energy 
I know that ther course will be tough at first 
As I get used to the new routine 
I guess I'm going to have to get up at about 7am
But I got up at that time for work 
And I'm an early riser anyway 
So I should be ok
I'm just so excited to start though 
I have just over a week to gather my strength 
And get my head in the zone
Then it's the beginning of the rest of my life...

9 comments:

  1. fantastic so pleased you are doing this we mainly regret things we don't try than the other way round i think so giving it a go is the right and brave thing to do jo x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jo Jo
      It feels right you know?
      I am super excited
      And super afraid
      But as you say
      We regret the things we don't do
      Hope you are well dear friend
      Loved chatting to you the other day
      It was like we were real live people
      And not just words on a screen x

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    2. yes me too, contact me anytime, all ok here thanks! look forward to reading how you are getting on xx

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  2. The course might be tough, but sometimes we must challenge ourselves in order to see how much we really can do. I have faith in you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you CP
      For believing in me
      I believe in you too
      Hope you aw doing ok x

      Delete
  3. Atlanta is a very striking name!

    Craving salt is definately elecrolyte imbalance causes by purging.

    I strongly, strongly recommend you comsult a dietician.

    X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Shelby
      I will mention it to my doctor tomorrow
      But I've always craved salt
      No matter what state my health was in
      But I will speak to my doctor x

      Delete
  4. It sounds like the ED is still playing with your head if you still felt different in a matter of hours after reducing sodium. Your body cannot change that quickly.

    I think you are very capable of managing this course if you are careful about balance and remembering rest when you need it (I personally very much need my days off to recuperate). I hope it works out for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I meant I could feel the bloating ease
      Which I could
      But yes
      That may have been a psychological thing
      I don't know

      Thanks
      I hope it works out too
      I guess I'll soon find out.... X

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