Tuesday, 27 December 2016


And so Christmas came and went
Just like any other day
It was fine
I got a lovely pair of boots
And my neighbour got me a selfie stick which I thought was comical
As she is 77
I don't stress about the food part anymore
I don't eat any more than normal
And there is only so much chocolate and rich food I can take
I ate my Christmas dinner
But did not keep it down
My old nemesis bulimia still rears her ugly head from time to time
As I always say
It's about progress not perfection
And I am doing a hell of a a lot better than I was doing last Christmas
Forty pounds lighter and in that horrible binge purge cycle
So I guess I have had my one year recovery anniversary
Which is pretty cool!
I'm also using the break to take stock
And figure out whether to continue my course or not
It's not an easy decision as you can imagine
There many pros and cons to both sides
I mean is it really worth putting myself through so much hurt and anxiety?
Battling crippling low esteem and confidence
But having said that
I love the course
And I'm always on a high when I do a successful day at school
I guess it's. it the end of the world if I do give it up
I can go back to horse therapy
I can do private lessons
I can help out the horsey people in my area
Whatever happens
I know one thing for sure
I will be involved with horses one way or another
I've fallen for them hard
And just try taking that away from me
So I guess I need to make a decision
I'm supposed to be back to school next Tuesday
So I have a lot of thinking to do
Although it's not going to be easy
There's a lot about the course that is great
I have structure to my day
I spend time with my school friends
And of course I get to do three lessons a week
As well as be around horses for two days a week
It's a lot to give up
My tutor emailed me last Friday
A list of things I had achieved since starting the course
It was quite impressive
And it was so lovely of her to do that
She has been a great support
She also mentioned that I could take extended leave in the new year if I need to
It's great that I have so much support
It makes things so much more bearable
I will keep you updated

In other news
I was on the phone the other day
In my Mams room
And there was a weighing scales on the floor
I stood on it with one foot
And it gave me an incredibly high number
I panicked
And decided to weigh myself properly
So I waited until this morning
Stripped to my birthday suit
And stepped on
The number was much lower than last night
Thank you Lord
So my BMI is about 20 - 21
Which is just fine with me
Crisis averted

How was your Christmas?


  1. I can't say if quitting or staying is the right choice, but if you quit now it won't be easier next time. It may be worth it even though it's challenging you. And as you said, you're feeling better now that you're not misusing your meds.

    Do you have to make a final choice right now? Is it the end of the world if you drop it later? Maybe it will take some of the burden off if you take one day at a time instead of worrying about an entire semester or an entire week. Isn't the worst case scenario that you still drop it in the future, which isn't any worse than dropping now?

  2. Replies
    1. Thanks EM
      It's definitely something to think about x

  3. i think the selfie stick is comical too from a 77 year old.

    aw, love, i hope next year, this wouldn't be a problem for you. i know that it's hard not to engage in habits like this, but you can do it. i'm sure one day i believe you have it in you to be ED free, or extremely close to. you've endured so much and i'm proud of you.

    it is amazing what you've accomplished since you've started to embark on recovery. i am so so proud of you. i love you.

    honestly, i agree with Thor Kitten (i.e. Tempest). i also want to add on that you know what's best for you. whether you should or shouldn't. i honestly think that deep inside us, we know how to answer our own questions and when confronted with any situation, always pretend that this is someone else's problem. if someone came to you with this problem, what would you tell them?

    i feel like we humans are more equipped at giving someone else advice than we are equipped to handle our own issues. it seems big to us, but in the grand scheme of things, time passes and things get easier. i just wanted to let you know that.

    take care of yourself, alright, honey?

    -Sam Lupin

    1. Thank you Sam
      For your kind words
      You have such a big heart
      It shines out of you x

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