Friday, 23 December 2016


I love the build up to Christmas
I love the music
The lights
The atmosphere
The way people are jolly and friendly
And everyone gives generously to good causes
There is a storm here today
We were supposed to be going in to town for lunch
But the weather is so bad we had to cancel
I don't mind though
Going out to eat is not really my idea of fun
I associate restaurants with stress and anxiety
And purging can be a problem too
So I tend to avoid such occasions
And anyway
It's nice to stay indoors when the weather is wild

I don't know if I wrote about it already
But I spoke to my doctor last week
About the fact that I was misusing my meds
In order to deal with anxiety
His response was to increase my methadone by 10mls
And my olanzapine to 15mg
He also put me on daily dispensing
So I had to go in to the chemist every day
And be supervised taking it
It actually really helped
Because I had the correct amount every day
My doctor also reduced my methadone every couple of days m
To try and get me back down to my original dose
So this weewôk has been tough
I took the week off  school
My tutor texted me
To let me know that I can take extended leave if I need to in January if I am still
She also said something lovely to me
That I well liked
And I am a positive influence in the group
It made my day to hear that
It's the little things
I just need to make a decision
Either I am doing this course and I throw myself into it
Or I cut my losses
And go back to horse therapy
I was speaking with my best friend last night
And I was telling him how nice it was to have the Christmas break
That I felt a weight had been lifted
He said that it shouldn't be this hard
And that the course may be doing me more harm than good
I don't know but what I do know is I can't go on like this
Driving myself and everyone around me nuts
So I will make a decision before the break ends

In the mean time
I will do my best to enjoy the holidays
And try to pass as a sane and normal human lol
Take care of


  1. Hi Ruby,

    I haven't commented for a while but have been keeping up with your blog :)

    In terms of your course, my advice would be to go with your gut. Deep down, would you feel relief if someone said to you that you don't have to go anymore? Or would you feel sadness or regret? And would the regret be a bigger or smaller feeling than the relief?

    If you do decide to quit, it really is not the end of the world. You gave it a try for a decent length of time and it didn't work. Tonnes of people quit their jobs every day for the same reason. You've spent enough of your life being miserable, so don't keep yourself in a position which is only adding to the time. You know that you are more than capable of holding down a job (like this summer, for example) but maybe working and studying at the same time is too much for you. And if it is too much, then so what?! Better to quit now and find something which makes you happy than just keep needing time off and dreading going back. If you're in a position where you are needing the college counselling service and are on daily dispensing, then this should be enough of a warning sign that things are not going well with this course.

    Louisa xxx

    1. Hey Louisa,

      Good to hear from you
      I hope you are well
      You make some really good points
      I really need to weigh up the pros against the cons
      And compare what I'm getting out of the course to what I struggle with
      The thing is
      I really don't want to give up
      I don't want to quit as that has been my pattern in life
      Start something
      With lots of enthusiasm
      Then I get bored or it gets too hard
      And I throw in the towel
      So I hAve a lot to think about
      But thank you for commenting
      I appreciate it x

  2. Merry Christmas dear Ruby. Still sending love and hugs.

    1. Thank you JJ
      And good to hear from you
      I wish you a very happy and healthy 2017 x

  3. Hey Ruby, Merry Christmas! I'm glad your doctor is helping you! I hope you enjoy your holidays, don't stress too much on making a choice! Don't push yourself too hard, take care xo


    1. Thanks Christie
      And to you
      Hope you are doing ok x

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