Thursday, 29 December 2016

29 Part 2

Apologies that the last two posts have been a bit all over the place
For some reason blogger won't let me go back and edit them
So Part 1 ends very abruptly
But I will try and pick up where I left off
So yes
I'm in the supermarket
Picking up anything that looks good
Bread
Ham
Relish
Crisps
Chocolate
Pasta
Pizza
Biscuits
Peanuts
And of course a big bottle of 7up
All the easier to purge with my dear
There is no rhyme or reason
It's a shopping frenzy
I'm craving both savoury and sweet in equal amounts
Then I head to the check out
Although I have been known to walk straight out of the shop without paying
But I haven't done that in a long time thankfully
Being caught tends to cop you on
My food could cost anything up to €50
Which is a lot if you're buying this every day
I pack all my shopping
And head for home
I drive at break neck speed
I can't wait to get home and dive head first in to a messy, tasty full on, mo holds barred binge
I plan what I'm going to eat in what order
I get home and immediately get a big pot of pasta on
While it's cooking
I break open the peanuts
And literally inhale them
Barely even chewing them
I get area in my living room ready
I sit on the floor
So I put newspaper down
Bring in salt and pepper
And a pint glass of 7up
I find a good show to watch
And I am good to go
I Hoover up the pasta
With gulps of 7up
I eat much more than I am comfortable with
As I know it won't be staying down for long
As soon as the food is devoured
I'm always on the way down to the bathroom
Lock the door
Tie my hair back
Roll up my sleeves
Now over the toilet bowel
I barely have to use my fingers
As the food heaves it's way back up
After the deed is done
I clean myself and anything else that needs it
And head back up for round two
The day goes on like this
A constant, relentless march from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom
The food goes down
Then comes back up
Again
And again
And again
This is the life of a bulimic
A binge is defined so by its secretive nature
And like any addict worth their salt
You become adept at mastering your crime
This is the reality of an eating disorder
It's messy
It's disgusting
It brings you to your rock bottom
I can't even tell you how I got out of that cycle
As I'm not even fully sure myself
But I got out
I was lucky
I can't even imagine having the energy or the stamina to do that now
And it all just seems like a dreadful waste of time, money and energy
I am so glad to have made it out the other side
That life was killing me slowly
Now I am living
I eat to live
I don't live to eat
I will be ok
And so will you....

3 comments:

  1. If you do decide to stop/postpone the course, I really think continuing to be around horses would be a great decision, whether it's lessons or stable/yard management or therapy. It's been such a huge positive for you, even if the course is a bit much right now, I hope you do continue being around horses to one extent or another.

    I hope you have a fantastic new year, and that 2017 will bring more positives and changes into your life <3

    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Bella
      You are right
      Horses have helped me massively this year
      So I will continue to be around them one way or another

      I hope 2017 is a better year for you dear Bella
      I wish you and love and positivity in the world x

      Delete
  2. The best treatment for anxiety disorders is cognitive behavioral therapy, which means changing the way you think about things.
    One of the best treatments for anxiety is to limit you intake of caffeine and sugar.
    See more: treatment of anxiety disorder

    ReplyDelete

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