Wednesday, 4 January 2017


A new year friends
Where is the time going?
This year I am five years blogging 
It's been an amazing few years
So many highs and lows
Ups and downs 
Relapses and slips 
Trying to recover 
Trying to fight for a better life 
I can't lie and say I enjoyed Christmas 
I found it pretty stressful and boring all at the same time 
My appetite is non existent at the moment 
I don't know why 
But I can't even look at food 
Never mind eat the stuff
I guess they could be stress related too
Also still have diarrhoea on a regular basis 
Which makes no sense at all
But that's an anxious, recovering body for you
Over the break 
I was supposed to make a decision about my course 
To continue or not to continue 
This is the major cause of my stress 
Not being able to make a decision
Fearing I'll make the wrong decision
And changing my mind ten times a day
I decided to look at my other options 
And booked a lesson at a stables near my house 
Which I've never been to before 
It was a private lesson yesterday 
It was an outdoor arena
And damn was it cold!
But I learned so much 
And was given some great advice that really helped my technique
So I booked a lesson for next week
And the lady told me that I can go an hour early and help get the horses ready 
As well as staying after for a while too
This is all great 
The downside is the cost 
It was €40 for an hour long private lesson
That is almost a quarter of my weekly budget 
But another argument is that I smoked and drank and used that money and more away for years 
At least this is something worthwhile 
I guess I will see how I manage 
If I can't afford it 
I can't afford it

Then today 
I met my friend Fintan 
And went back to horse therapy 
Where I started my horse riding journey 
I didn't get to ride 
But it was so nice to see everyone 
I missed them
I had a chat with the lady 
And she said I can always go back there 
As well as doing the six week course they are running 
So that's another option 
I just need to make a decision
I contacted our course tutor today 
And made an appointment to see her on Friday 
I just feel so torn 
The thoughts of continuing my course makes me feel beyond anxious 
But the thoughts of leaving make me feel so sad
I think I know what I need to do though 
There's no point hanging on to something that is making me feel so bad 
Still though 
It's another thing I've started and not finished 
I wonder if people will feel disappointed 
Let down 
But despite that 
I think it's the right thing to do 

There are other things to consider 
My recovery 
Before Christmas 
My meds were all over the place 
I was misusing them 
Using them to knock myself out 
I came clean to my doctor 
He increased my methadone and anti anxiety meds 
And has me on supervised daily visits to the chemist 
It's a pain in the buttocks 
But it is helping keep me on the straight and narrow 
So yea 
There is a lot going on
But that's life isn't it?
There's always something 
Bumps in the road 
It's just a matter that of keeping going 
Despite what life throws at you 
And look
Whatever happens 
I'll be around horses 
In one way or another 
I still visit my little white pony friend down the road
She is a total pet 
I've started bringing the dogs to see her too
And she is very curious to see the
Now when she sees me coming 
She greets me with a nicker 
And comes running over 
After three months of visiting her 
She has started to let me pet her 
Which is huge progress I think 
I had been given advice 
That I should ask the owners permission before I feed her anything 
So I decided to leave a note for the owner 
I carefully wrote a friendly letter with my favourite purple pen 
And sellotaped it to the gate 
I went back the next day to check if it was gone 
And I found the pony eating it 
Go figure...

That's all that's happening in my little world 
Hopefully now I have more time 
I will get to blog and read more then I currently am
I wish you all a very happy new year 
And I hope all your hopes and dreams come true in 2017
By the way 
Is anyone else massively triggered by all the diet/weight loss talk at the moment?
Me too
Until the next post....


  1. I think it's definitely a good idea to stick with something horse-related, as that seems to have become a passion for you, but maybe something with the therapy place is better right now than continuing the course, if the course is causing you so much anxiety. Perhaps you took on too much at once with the course? Baby steps. It can be frustrating, but it works. <3

  2. I agree with Mich.

  3. I agree with the ones above, don't do too much, don't add to the anxiety. Baby steps!

    Oh, how I have missed you. I'll try not to disappear on you again.

  4. Have you written a pros and cons list about staying/leaving the course? Maybe that would help, I don't know? Just so you can see it in black and white in front of you?

    If you decide to stay on the course, you need to find ways to make it as easy as possible for you, find ways to keep the overwhelming anxiety as low/bearable as possible. Maybe talk to your tutor when you meet them, how they can help you with these things?

    IF you decide to leave, can you go back to the course in the future? Maybe you could take a few months break and go back and start afresh?

    Yep, massively, massively triggered. I'm more or less off social media at the moment, I just cannot cope. At all.

    Hugs partner. Remember to email if I can help with anything at all xxxxxxxx

  5. I can't believe how long we've both been on blogger. I'd been lurking a few blogs and other communities for so long, but it was only when I left Stoner Ex that I suddenly decided to join.

    I'm glad you've been trying more horsey stuff. When it's making you feel so bad, I'm starting to lean towards maybe you should stop the course, for now at least, and postpone until you feel better able to continue. At least now you know what you're in for with the course, and that will give you a better idea of when you'll be up to completing it.

    The New Years diet trends are awful. I try to not let it get to me, but they always do. The blogosphere will no doubt explode in the next few weeks with a similar trend.


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