Friday, 14 April 2017

Easter

Hello fellow bloggers and readers
I've been meaning to update here for the last couple of weeks
But am just getting around to it now
Life is busy 
I am busy 
I'm in a very different place in my ED and recovery 
My ED now takes up so little space that it's quite insignificant
I don't restrict
I don't binge 
Purging is the exception rather than the norm
The only think I am kind upset about 
Is yes you've guessed it
My weight 
I don't know what I weigh as I don't weigh myself 
But I'm pretty sure that I am the biggest I've even been 
My clothes feel tighter 
I feel like I take up a lot of space 
And I am generally quite uncomfortable 
My diet is not great 
And I've been eating a lot of junk food 
And just today a member of my family told me that I am gaining weight 
My first thought was to starve myself in to submission
That didn't last long 
As I don't want to go down that route again
But I do need to do something 
Not only to lose a bit of weight 
But to be healthy 
And to have sufficient energy for all the things I want to do
Despite my weight 
I feel quite happy and content 
I see Coco every day 
And he continued to be the highlight of my day
He is such a funny wee man
Full of personality and character
I can't believe how attached I have become to him
It's threee months now since I started to. Is it him
He has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 
To being relaxed, confident and happy
More often than not my dogs come with me when I visit Coco 
And they are all good pals
It's so lovely to watch them 
I am in pure heaven when I'm in the field with them all
I can't wait for the weather to improve 
So I can spend long lazy days over with Coco
I can't tell you how much he has helped me in the last three months 
I now bounce out of bed in the morning 
Knowing I am going to see him
It gets me out of the house
Out in to the fresh air
I've never slept as well as I am at the moment 
Yes 
There is no doubt in my mind 
That pony saved me
And I saved him too

So 
The plan with my food 
Is to cut out the junk for the moment 
Eat a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner 
More exercise 
I must stress 
This is it a diet 
As it's not a temporary thing 
This needs to be my lifestyle 
My life 
At the moment I feel bloated and swollen 
My clothes are straining 
And I feel very uncomfortable 
I would like to lose about 15 pounds 
And I will still be comfortably in the healthy weight for my height category 
And before you say this sounds dodgy
And I'm meeting trouble half way 
I have no desire to be stick thin or underweight 
I just want to feel good in my skin
I just want to be healthy and happy 
And I'm not being a sucker thinking weight loss will make me happy 
But I do want to feel comfortably in myself 
And I don't at the moment
Because I was eating a lot of junk food 
And no proper food at all
It's no wonder I am gaining 
And probably lucky I have not gained more 
I have to say though 
I am finding junk food much harder to give up than I did cigarettes 
I guess it's so accessible 
And the least harmful 
So it's easier to grab than say a cigarette or a drink or a drug
However 
I will persevere 
As I always do

In other news 
I have my job back again this summer 
So I will be starting late May time 
I have mixed feelings about the job
I'm grateful to have it back again 
And to be offered it again is fantastic 
I'm just a bit worried that I will get anxious again 
And struggle to go in in the morning 
The way I was with my course
Also I'm worried I won't see as much of Coco 
But part of the reason I am working is for him
And to get him a companion 
But there will be a cap on how many hours I can do 
Between 20-24
So I'm just hoping and praying that it all goes smoothly 
As I really enjoyed it last year 
It was such a lovely place to work 
And the people were just great 
Both guests and staff
I made friends 
I made money 
And it gave me a sense of responsibility 
When I do something 
I like to do it right 
I'm probably a perfectionist at heart 
But as my sister says 
Done is better than perfect 
How true is that?

In other other news 
My brother published his first novel last month 
It is called Ithaca
We had a great time launching it in style and celebrating his success
We are all very proud of him

I don't know how many of you are still reading and writing 
I am hoping there are a few of us left 
I tend to use Facebook more these days 
As it's quick and easy 
I don't always have the energy or the inclination to write a whole blog post 
Not knowing if anyone is reading 

So 
Thoughts on losing weight in recovery?
I'd love to know what you think
Answers on a postcard please...

4 comments:

  1. I'm glad you got the job again. People appreciate you.

    Congrats to your brother. Writing novels is a lot harder than reading them. :)

    Avoiding junk food is tough, because so much of it tastes good. (sigh)

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  2. Have you ever lost weight without triggering a relapse?

    Health and weight are not synonymous. If you want to be healthier, you can work on things like reducing junk and increasing more nutritious foods without making weight loss the goal.

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  3. Dear Ruby,
    Please, please just buy some new clothes that fit properly, and focus on loving your body as it is, and being comfortable in your skin!
    Last time you slipped into the downward spiral, you had not intended to do more than lose a few pounds, and it was prompted by clothes too.
    Please, please just buy some new clothes, and focus on self & body love.
    <3

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  4. THROW OUT YOUR CLOTHES

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x