Thursday, 18 May 2017

Work

Some how
It is May
Summer is just around the corner
I seem to have blinked and missed spring
Work starts next week
And I am beyond anxious
I am terrified
No exaggeration 
I've been counting down the days 
Willing myself to find the courage to press on
I'm not entirely sure why I'm in such a bad way about it all
I don't remember feeling this way last year
But I was a newbie then
This year I am wondering if more will be expected of me because I was there last summer
And I'm putting huge pressure on myself
So let's break it down 
Why am I so bloody anxious?
There are many reasons 
I've gained weight
What will people think?
What if I fuck up?
What if I can't handle it and I curl up in to a ball right there in the middle of the centre?
What if I lose my confidence and become paralysed with fear?
What if I forget to do something like turn off the gas and I burn the place down?
I swear 
I could go on like this all day long 
Inventing anxiety provoking situations 
The thing is 
Historically 
I have enjoyed this work 
The people 
The guests 
The buzz of a working kitchen
The banter 
Or the craic as we say here in Ireland
I had come to the point where I thought I wouldn't be able to do this
That I would have to pull out retreat to a dark room to lick my wounds 
But then today 
I got a phone call
It was Mary 
She had some great news about more people being trained to work in the ED services in this area
She also won an award for the fantastic work she does
I told Mary about my impending job and the overwhelming anxiety and fear
She was her usual calm self 
Reminded me that I am more than capable 
To take deep breathes 
To be kind to myself 
After a short conversation
I felt a whole lot better 
Suddenly I had an injection of self belief straight innto my jugular 
Suddenly work didn't seem so scary 
Because in all reality 
It's only for three months 
It's not rocket science 
It's hard work 
But it's not complicated 
I feel able to do it 
I want to do it
I can do it 
I will do it 

In other news 
I was horse riding yesterday 
My trainer has taken it easy on me the last couple of weeks 
After the fall off Coco 
No jumping which was disappointing 
But I know I will get back there 
I am always in such a rush to get everywhere 
Always ten steps ahead of myself 
I do not possess the virtue of patience
Not at all 
Coco is doing great 
He is thriving in the good weather 
And fresh grass
It's now been four month since I started visiting him
He is coming on so well
Back in January 
He was a scared and lonely pony
Now he is confident and cheeky 
And full of fun
He has found a friend in Lea 
He lives her so much and follows her everywhere bless him
Now Coco wears his head collar with pride 
Walks with a lead rope 
And picks up his feet
Which is great as the farrier is coming saturday to do his hooves
I am trying to post photos 
But the app won't let me for some reason
Honey and Lea are good 
Lea is going a bit deaf which is sad 
But she is a happy wee thing
Honey now calls over to my neighbour looking for food 
Which is so funny as she walks around lily she owns the place

Anyway
Just a short post for a quick update 
See you on the flip side...

8 comments:

  1. Sounds like you over-thought yourself into a very frightened corner. My sister does that--ruminating over simple things until just the fact that she keeps thinking about it makes her super anxious for no reason, but by then she's such a ball of anxiety she can barely think clearly. (I hope your sister isn't as horrible as I am; it's so easy to get Lil Sis riled up when she's in that state....)

    Once you get there on your first day you'll probably feel like you never left. <3

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    1. That's it Mich
      I swear I get in my own way
      And am talking myself out of work
      I know once I get in there I'll be fine
      It's just the lead up to it and the thinking about it that gets me
      I really don't do well with a lot of notice x

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  2. Hello Ruby. I stumbled onto your blog a few weeks ago, and have read it all in one fell swoop. I just want to tell you I'm a very proud internet stranger (lol) of your progress over the years.

    It's a much different experience reading your blog all at once, I'm sure, rather than as it happened in real time. I have read about your mindset swinging from negative to positive and back again, whether it's in the space of a few days or a few hours. I would say though, that when you are down on yourself you don't really ever have anything to back that up, for having a reason to feel that way. But you do have plenty of reasons to feel positive; you are a hard worker, you do apply yourself, you engage in the people and the work and take it all seriously. For that reason I'm sure they are looking forward to have you back at work. It's just the starting that's anxiety inducing, the anticipation. After next week mark my words you will be so happy to be there again, contributing to a worthy cause, making your own way, helping out, being the charming and personable Ruby they know and appreciate. And you'll look back on this post and shake your head in feeling silly for how much dread you were feeling!

    I actually only finished reading your blog last evening, and ended up listening to your radio piece for EDAW with Mary. I was expecting the accent of course, but I have to tell you something. Your voice was lovely, it actually reminded me of lot of Princess Diana. Well, Diana with an Irish accent as opposed to British. There was just something very similar in tone, cadence, and the second's pause to look for the right word. You both speak in a low tone that's very easy to listen to, and for both of you the listener can hear the self doubt and the care and concern to word things appropriately, just so. But there's also something neither of you would hear, it's a level of assuredness about your speaking that you would probably both deny, but it's there. I've seen a few interviews with her, and while she was always slightly hesitant, she always knew exactly her point and was strong in her belief of it. That is how you came across as well. You might pause the slightest second to determine the right word to use, but you always did, and I thought you had eloquence, clarity, as well as being very relatable.

    I just wanted to share that with you as I doubt you'd ever make that connection yourself, lol. I'm glad things are going well with the animals, and Honey and Lea are very lucky to be so loved and cared for in their sunset years.

    Thank you for sharing your story, and take care.

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    1. Dear Heidi,

      Hello, welcome and thank you!
      I really hope you see this reply
      First of all I want to thank you for your kind and thoughtful words
      For reading my whole blog
      And for taking the time to write such a lovely comment
      This is exactly why I write
      To connect with others
      To share my experience, my life, my story
      To hopefully help others in the same situation as me
      And I have to say that your comment made my whole day!
      Sometimes I feel like I am shouting in to the vacuum that is the internet
      But then I get a comment like yours and it's all worthwhile
      I'm glad you got to hear the interview too
      I am a very shy person
      But so passionate and motivated to help others and to spread a message of hope
      I hope in my own little way I can go some way to making a difference

      Again I sincerely thank you, I read your comment a few times and it just blew me away
      I'm so happy that I can connect with others and we can help each other
      So thank you for reaching out
      It is much appreciated

      Much love xxx

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    2. You're welcome, and thank you for still writing so I could finally reply to a current post. :)

      I've never had an addiction or ED issue, but I can relate to a lot of your mental/emotional struggles, sometimes all too well. But I do find the older I get, the more they fade to the background. I turned 36 last month, and while the thoughts are still there, they keep me paralyzed less and less. I hope the same for you. I know you've felt you haven't been able to mature at the 'normal' rate because of lost years to addiction and the ED, but I was rather trapped by depression and anxiety for a number of years (I'd say ages 19-25). So I felt younger and not as experienced, and basically 'not where I should be' for a long time. But it really is fine; growing, maturing, learning all happen at different times for different people. It has been great to read your story and see how much you have blossomed and how far you've come. Reading about your last summer at the centre you honestly seemed probably the most happy, that as well as the horse therapy.

      I'm looking forward for you to start your new job. Maybe remember and focus on all the positives you experienced there, rather than dwell on the fears and 'what ifs.' You made friends, you helped so many people, you provided meals and shelter and a getaway they otherwise wouldn't have experienced. You listened and talked to many people and I'm sure you brought a smile to the faces of most. And now you get to do it again! :)

      Heidi

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  3. You did so well last time!
    You will again!

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  4. You have done that work before, and you did it well. I have no fear you will do at least as good this time, dearest Ruby.

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Thank you for leaving some love x