Supersize V Superskinny

I watched Supersize V Superskinny this week
It was on Thursday night although I'm pretty sure that it wasn't a new episode
For those of you that don't know this show, it takes one very overweight person and one very underweight person and brings them in to what they call 'The feeding clinic'
Basically they swap diets
The show also does segments about people living with obesity and it's consequences and also people living with eating disorders



I have a bit of an issue with this programme but I feel compelled to watch it
For a long time I couldn't understand the reasoning behind getting these people to swap diets
Surely that is just switching from one unhealthy diet to another and how does that help?
How is that healthy?
The underweight people end up eating masses of high fat, high sugar foods and the overweight people end up eating a very restricted diet
And they don't actually explain why they are doing this
But then it hit me why they could be doing this
Maybe it's because the person sees a mirror image of themselves and what they eat
They are sitting across a table from some one eating what they usually eat
So they get to see how excessive or restrictive their diets really are
I know if I had to look at someone eating my diet, I would be concerned for them
When it's me it's ok, but someone else doing it I can see how unhealthy it is

This week we met Jo, a young mum who weighed 21 stone
And Ross, an engineer who stands at 6 feet tall and weighs a meagre 8 stone 11 pounds
The difference between the 2 of them was startling
They were on opposite ends of the same spectrum
Both had incredibly unhealthy diets
Too much and not enough



At the start of the show Dr Christian sent Jo over to the states to meet someone who he felt Jo could end up like
She travelled to Georgia to meet a woman who weighed 38 stone
Like Jo she was a mum of young kids and was finding it increasingly difficult to manage everyday tasks
Jo could relate to her a lot and acknowledged that she was heading the same way

Back in the UK Jo and Ross enter the feeding clinic and swap diets
Jo's potions are huge and she is a serial snacker
Ross goes the whole day without eating and when he does it is just a chocolate bar
Both of them struggle greatly but they carry on and manage to get through the week
At the end of the week they are given their own meal plans to take home
3 months later they return to give an update
Ross looks so much better
It's obvious he has filled out and his face has colour and his eyes are brighter
He managed to gain an impressive 15 pounds and it really suited him
Jo did well too
She lost well over  a stone and looked a lot healthier



Emma Woolf did  a segment on the show
She is a journalist and is recovering from anorexia
You may remember a post a did a few months ago about her book An apple a day which recounts her journey in to recovery
On this show she was investigating whether anorexia is inherited
She spoke to a professor who said that recent studies show that people with anorexia's brains are slightly different to that of people who don't have it
This means that some of us are more susceptible to developing it
This is ground breaking and may help with the treatment of anorexia
Emma spoke to a girl who had grown up watching her mother battle anorexia
The girl also developed an eating disorder but she believes that it was the environment that she grew up in that caused it, rather than her inheriting it
It's an interesting argument
I believe that like addiction our genes can make us more vulnerable but it alone can not cause an eating disorder
I think an eating disorder is born out of a mixture of nature and nurture
I am the only one in my  family to have developed an ED
All my siblings and I were brought up the same way so I can't blame that
Genetics may have loaded the gun but circumstances and environment coupled with plain bad luck pull the trigger
Some people turn to drink or drugs or gambling
And some people stop eating or start purging
They are all different ways to coping
Of hurting ourselves
Of escaping

I have to admit that watching this show can be really triggering
They mention weight a lot and I invariably end up comparing myself to the skinny people
And they do seem to be in their underwear a lot through out the show which I think is un neccesary
They are obviously trying to shock us by showing us extremes
I'm pretty sure that the underweight people do not have eating disorders
Yes, they have an unhealthy relationship with food but they could not be labelled anorexic or bulimic
They know that they are underweight
They are not losing weight on purpose
They just have bad eating habits and losing weight has been a side effect

I truly believe that I could just as easily be over weight
I could be anywhere on the spectrum between skinny and obese
My weight is constantly changing
At my highest weight I was about 130lbs
A perfectly healthy weight for my height but it didn't suit me
I take after my mother and have a small frame
So any extra weight at all really stands out on me
I'm probably at my most comfortable at around 115 - 120 lbs
Although the thought of gaining that weight is terrifying

So yes, now I can see why they get these people to swap diets
There is a method to thier madness

What about you?
Have you seen this show?
What do you think about it?

Meal by meal

I saw Mary this morning
She asks how I am
I tell her how tired I am all the time
That I can't get through the day without a couple of naps
How I feel my motivation is in the toilet, literally
That I have no fight left in me
'You know why that is' she says
I do
I do know
I seem to be in denial though
She asks to see my food monitoring records
I reluctantly show them to her
There's nothing of any substance and if there is it is purged
And to be honest my records are not entirely honest
I add in food here and lie about purging there
But even with my censoring, she still thinks it is a huge problem
She brings up inpatient again
She says that if this is not working then we have to try something else
She can't continue to enable me and she feels that is what she would be doing
I tell her that I don't want to go in to treatment
'What are you willing to do to not have to go then?'

I explain how my thinking is skewed
That the sick part of me wants to feel bad and doesn't want to feel good
Feeling good is so alien to me that I don't know how to handle it when I do feel good
Although these days I rarely feel good
Feeling weak and tired is not particularly nice but it is familiar
It's safe
Feeling good or happy is uncharted territory for me
Part of me feels that I don't deserve to be happy
That I should suffer
Why?
I'm not entirely sure
I'm reading a book called The Anorexic Experience
It talks about how people with anorexia often deny themselves what they need
Not just food but other things like taking care of yourself or heat or fun
At first I couldn't relate to this at all but then I got thinking
I often deliberately keep myself cold
Like if I am the only person in the house, I won't turn on the heat because it's only me and I don't deserve to be warm
Can any of you relate to that?
I don't do nice things for myself for the same reason
It's as if I am not good enough for these basic human rights

I have another appointment with Mary next Tuesday and she said that if things haven't started to move in the right direction she will have to consider other options
So she asked me to make 3 goals that are manageable by Tuesday
So my goals are -

1. - Not to purge
2. - Eat 3 small meals everyday
3. - Keep proper monitoring records

Sounds simple enough doesn't it?
But I would rather climb Mount Everest in a bikini and I would probably have more success
I really don't want to have to go to treatment though and that is motivation to at least try

I explain to Mary how I think that I'm not that bad
That I've been in worse states than this before
However I also thought this when I was addicted to heroin
I thought there were people in worse positions than mine
But I guess it's all relative
Yes, I am not at my lowest ever weight but as I truly believe that weight is not an indicator of how sick we are
It's hard though not to slip in to the way of thinking that it is
And I have to remember that this is not my first rodeo
This has been going on for well over a decade
I am a few years older than a lot of you and I have to remember that
I don't have the luxury of time
I remember my birthday last year
 Suddenly I panicked at the thought of losing another 10 years to this illness
I rang a treatment centre and was motivated to change
I don't quite know what happened but I fell in to a rut and am still there
Years of abusing myself is starting to catch up on me
My body is hurting
It's tired and drained and cold and frail
When I came out of the session I poke to my mother
I said to her what I said to Mary, that I'm not that bad
'Ruby you are '  she said 'You look sick'
She said that yes, I have been a lower weight but now I am so entrenched in these behaviours that it seems I am getting worse
I'm not getting any better that's for sure

Yesterday my mother and I went to visit my neighbour in hospital
She is in her sixties and up until very recently was in good health
But she has gone down hill rapidly and having avoided going to the doctor for a long time, she is now in a bad way in hospital
I panicked a little bit when I realised that she was in the same ward  that I was in back in March
When I saw her I got such a shock
She was lying in bed and she looked like she had aged 10 years
This was a woman who was full of life
A true Dub (person from Dublin) with a great sense of humour
She always said exactly what she thought and I guess you would consider her a bit fiery
Fiercely independent
But I loved that about her
She seemed to recognize us but she was making very little sense
As we held her hands she she started to cry
It was heart breaking
I came out of there feeling quite upset
It suddenly hit me that that will be all of us someday
We're all going to get old and die and it will come sooner than we think
It made me think about how life is not a dress rehearsal
We don't get a second chance to do things properly
It made me think how much I am missing while in this state
I've already lost so much
My independence
My friends
Job
Education
Peace of mind
Sanity
Happiness
Health
Do I really want to lose any more?
Possibly my life?

A good friend once said to me that it's not a choice between recovery and my ED, it's a choice between life and death
I think this is so true
Living with an ED is choosing death
It's choosing not to live
For me it is anyway
My mother asked me today was I afraid when I was admitted to hospital in March with pancreatitis
The  truth is I wasn't
I wasn't afraid of death
I was more afraid of life
I'm 'living' in a bubble at the moment
Nothing comes in and nothing goes out
Everyday is the same
I get through the day only to start again the next day
I get through the week only to start a new one
Nothing happens
Nothing changes
It's like ground hog day
The same day over and over again
I'm so very tired of it
So bored of it
My ED  has become monotonous and boring
I'm over it

I remember when I gave up drugs I was motivated
I had sunk so low that I couldn't go any lower
I had a fire inside me that motivated me
And when I'm determined to do something there is no stopping me
Drugs are similar to EDs but the do differ a bit
With drugs I could walk away from my old life
From old friends
From my town
From the drugs
I moved across the country and started over
With an  ED it's not that simple
I can't cut food out of my life
Well I could but that would defeat the purpose
I have to learn to deal with food and that is the hard part

I know that if I put in half the energy in to recovery that I do in to my ED, then I would be well on my way
I guess it boils down to how much do I want this
I am in two minds and I can't seem to make a decision and stick to eat
I want to want to get well if that makes sense

So I'm going to try
I'm going to fight
Even if my only motivation is to stay out out of hospital
That's ok
Whatever helps
I'll have to take it day by day
Meal by meal
This shit has to stop
And it stops today

Don't call me crazy: Part 2

The second part of 'Don't call me crazy' was on last night
It follows a year in the life of adolescents in the McGuinness unit in Manchester which is an inpatient unit for teenagers with mental health issues
This week the documentary focused on 3 stories
Beth 17, who we were introduced to last week
She suffers with anorexia and depression
Crystal 14, who sees people and animals who aren't actually there
And Gillian 17, who we also met last week
She suffers drastic mood changes and was considered a danger to herself

Beth

Last week we saw Beth really struggling

As I said in the last post, as first I thought that Beth was not that bad and some comments that you left said the same thing

A couple of days later a friend of Beth's left a comment on my blog saying that Beth in fact had been on a medical ward before she was admitted to the unit to stabilise her weight

Refusing to eat or to be weighed, Beth was threatened with being sectioned

Beth thought that they were only trying to scare her

But they did in fact section her

This now meant that they could force her to eat

Beth started to make slow progress

She started going in to the dining room and eating with others

She made an appeal to get her section overturned

Unfortunately it was turned down and she was deemed too sick

I don't know if Beth self harmed before she came to the unit but she started to

In fact it seemed that all the girls there did

Beth described how all the bad feelings and thoughts went away as the blood trickled out

Even though Beth was in the grip of this illness, her personality still shone through

She was bright and bubbly and so pretty

Her friend that commented on the last post said that Beth is now home and doing well

She has returned to her beloved dancing and is going on holiday soon

I hope and pray that she can over come this although I know chances of relapse are high

Maybe the fact that there was an early intervention will stand to her

I hope so

Then we were introduced to Crystal

At 14 Crystal was the youngest on the unit

She spoke frankly about how she could see people and animals

We saw pictures she had drawn of them

They included a little girl and also rats

She gave them names like 7 and 24

So called because they were there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

She said the voices told her to do things

That she was afraid of some of them

Crystal was adopted when she was 4 having been abused at home

It was at this age that she first began to see and hear things

She settled in to her new home but the characters didn't go away

She described how the voices told her to kill her adopted father

Tests were done and Crystal was deemed not to be psychotic and not a danger to herself or others

Her doctor explained that at the age of 4 she had invented a fantasy world to help her cope

She imagined this world so she could also choose to not see them

Crystal was discharged

She is now back at school and doing well

We first met Gillian last week when she escaped the unit and took an overdose

She suffers with drastic mood swings and struggled to control her anger

For a lot of her stay she was being held in the acute part of the unit

It was distressing to see her being restrained and it happened quite often

Gillian had not spoken to her mother in 6 months and this was causing her a lot of distress

Eventually though they did make contact and her mother started to come and visit her

This seemed to be a turning point for her and she began to make progress

Gillian

I thought that the documentary was good

It gave a good insight in to different mental health issues

However I would have liked to have learned more about their back stories

Especially Beth

She seemed to have everything going for her

She was pretty, outgoing and smart

How did she fall prey to this cruel illness?

And I firmly believe that for everything we do, there is a reason

We don't starve ourselves for no reason

There's always an explanation

We also don't starve ourselves because we are vain and want to be thin

It's not that simple

It runs much deeper than that

Restricting and the pursuit of thinness masks a whole host of issues beneath the surface

I wonder what happened to Beth that compelled her not to eat?

And it doesn't have to be this big traumatic event that triggers an eating disorder

More often than not it is a series of little events or triggers

For me it was a combination of things

I was unhappy at home

I was a dancer and swimmer so my body was exposed a lot

I remember every comment anyone ever made about my weight or shape

They are all filed away at the back of my head under the heading 'Reasons to hate myself'

The seeds of my eating disorder were sewn long before I stopped eating

Our experiences, especially as children, mould us in to the person we are today

We look for ways to cope and unfortunately sometimes these methods are unhealthy

Also it was a bit unsettling watching kids who were at their most vulnerable

Yes, it's important to raise these issues and get people talking

Mental health is still something that is whispered rather than spoken about openly

We like to pretend that it's not there

But the reality is that one on four of us suffer from some form of mental health

We don't feel uncomfortable talking about diabetes or a broken arm

So why do we have such an issue about talking about our mental health?

So any of us are suffering in silence

Too afraid to open our mouths

Too worried about what others will think of us

Anxious that people won't understand and think that we are crazy

Talking about it is so important

It's vital

Keeping it all in is exhausting and draining

And it does leak out in other ways

I thought that some of the footage was unnecessary
It showed graphic images of the results of self harm and I'm sure that triggered some people massively
Also showing young people being restrained was uncomfortable to watch
The documentary focused on all the dramatic incidents and failed to show that most of the time nothing happens and people are generally very bored
It did show some of the girls having  fun but I don't think it accurately described the strength of the bond you form with other patients

I have huge admiration for the young people that were in this documentary

They showed huge courage for speaking out

They also gave these conditions a face and I think that's so important

Did you watch this documentary?

What did you think of it?

The doctor dilemma

As you know Monday is doctor day for me
My morning did not start well as before I had even left the house I managed to break a plant pot and fall down a set steps
But that's Mondays for you
My own doctor has been out sick for the last month and I was hoping he was still off
Partly because the last time he saw me he said that the next time he sees me he's going to reduce my methadone but mostly because I wanted to see the nice woman doctor that's filling in for him
Just as I sit down in the waiting room and look for something to read I hear my name called
I follow the nice woman doctor in to her office and apologise for being late
I notice she has my prescriptions in front of her already filled
Very efficient
I always make my appointment first thing in the morning so I avoid having to wait and usually my own doctor spends the first 5 minutes turning his computer on
She first asks me how the dizziness is
I am honest and tell her that it has improved
However I leave out the fact that I haven't taken the blood pressure meds she prescribed last week
Bad Ruby
She tells me that my blood tests came back normal
If I were a sane and rational person (and I'm not) I would be happy about this
But part of me finds it disappointing when nothing wrong is found
I guess a part of me wants something to blame this on
And not always believing that I have an eating disorder, I look for other signs for proof
Does that make sense?

Then she asks how my mood is
I tell her that I can't really tell but I don't think it's great
I explain how I have pulled away from my friends and am becoming increasingly isolated, not leaving the house very much
'What do you like to do' she asks
I tell her that I used to dance but haven't done in over a year
I mention that I walk my dogs and I write a little bit
She picked up on the writing straight away and asks me if I have heard of 'The Artists Way'
I have
It's a book written by Julia Cameron
It's a kind of self help book to help you tap in to your creativity
The book was written to help people with creative artistic recovery
It teaches techniques to assist people in gaining in self confidence in harnessing their creative talents and skills
I first heard about the book when I was in hospital the first time
A girl there recommended the book to me but I never followed it up
It's actually the second time in the last couple of days that this book popped up in my life and being a girl that likes to think that the universe sends me signs, I'm thinking of getting it
Nice woman doctor explained one of the exercises called Morning Pages
This involves waking up in the morning and before you do anything else, you take out 3 pages and just write
It can be anything
A stream of consciousness
Nice woman doctor said 'Even if all you write is fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck'
It's not what you write
It's to get all the negative thoughts building up in your head out of your head and on to paper
You don't read it back
You rip it up and throw it away
I really like this idea so I'm going to give it a go
She also told me about a workshop on The Artists Way that's on in my area next month
Another sign?
I like to think so



Nice woman doctor is a breath of fresh air
Usually when I mention low mood, meds are promptly changed and dosages increased
She said that meds do have their place but it's important to address behaviour too
How refreshing
I really like her and her approach
I think with my own doctor I've gotten in to a bit of a rut
As I've said before, we rarely talk about medical issues and often end up talking about random things
I've seen him every week for the last 8 years and the more I get to know him, the harder I find it to talk to him
I mentioned this to my father during the week and he said that my doctor is so used to me and the way that I am, that my behaviour has become 'normal'
That's very possible
I remember at the eating disorder conference my mother spoke about how my disordered behaviour has become normal
And it has
People around me are so used to me being this way, that it's not seen as different or abnormal
So maybe it's the same with my doctor
Maybe he is so used to me being this way that he doesn't question it anymore
Maybe having a fresh pair of eyes on the subject has been helpful

The thought occurred to me that maybe I should change from my usual doctor to nice woman doctor
My doctor is a lovely man and I know that he means well but I feel that me may becoming complacent
I don't know if it makes a difference that this other doctor is a woman and may be more tuned in to the emotional side of things
I guess it was just little things
Like when I was speaking about my mood, she faced me and looked me in the eye and really listenen
My own doctor barely looks up from his computer
I am reluctant to change because he has been very good to me
But is that a good enough reason to stay?
Out of loyalty?
Anyway it's something to think about

What do you think?
If you were me would you change?

And then she disappeared

I often read someone's blog and wonder where they got their title from
Obviously it means something very personal to that person and I'm intrigued to know the story behind it
When I was choosing my own title, I had a few in the running
Beauty from pain
Wearing thin
Or simply anorexia and me
Anyone of those would've been fine but I kept coming back to And then she disappeared
Why?
I was planning to disappear
Simple as that

I started writing this blog about a year ago having been reading blogs for quite a while
I was adamant that it was not going to turn in to a pro ana blog but reading back on my first couple of months of posts, I can see that I was coming very close
I guess a saw a community of people and wanted to fit in so I wrote about fasting and wanting to be skinny
But over time this blog turned in to something different
I'm extremely uncomfortable with the idea of girls egging each other on to lose weight
It makes me feel slightly sick
We would never encourage someone to pick up a drug (well most of us wouldn't) or to get depression
or any other mental illness
So why is it ok to encourage weight loss?
I think that most people who are 'pro ana' don't necessarily have an eating disorder because of they did they would never wish it on any one else
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy never mind someone who I care about



I admit that I am not in recovery
Or if I am I am failing miserably
I suppose some would say that makes me pro ana by definition
But I am not or never will be pro ana
Then I might as well be pro heroin addiction or pro obesity

I admit that I am struggling
That I am no poster girl for recovery
I feel caught in between my illness and recovery
In limbo
A wish washy, no man's land
Neither here nor there
Stuck in anorexia's waiting room
And I am not an in between kind of person
I'm quite black or white
All of nothing
So being in this place is infuriating
I hate it



Anyway I'm going off the point here
I choose the title of my blog because I was planning to disappear
I had no desire to go on
I just wanted to slip away quietly
But that has changed too
For the longest time I couldn't find one reason to stay here
I felt like a burden to my family
I genuinely thought that they would be better off without me
Now I'm not so sure
Now I have 2 things that keep me going
My dogs
And the thought that maybe I could help others in my position
The only problem with that is that I have to help myself first in order to help anyone else
Easier said than done
I can think of a million reasons for you to recover but when it comes to myself I struggle to find any

I started writing mainly because I was lonely
I had pushed most of my friends away and I was very much alone
I was struggling to keep it together and I needed someone to talk to
For some reason I find it much easier to tell the internet all my problems than talk to someone face to face
But I have to say that this blog is no substitute for human contact
It's great to have this outlet but I think that we need actual human contact
A hug
A shoulder to cry own
That feeling of connection
I have met some amazing people through this blog and for that I am grateful
People that have given me the courage to break the silence of my own struggles without fear of judgement
Mary wonders if this blog is not unhealthy
And there was a time when I thought it was too
I've had to be strict with myself and avoid blogs that I find triggering
Although I'm sure mine can be triggering too

With all that said I was wondering about you
How did you come up with the title of your blog?
And why did you start your blog?
Has it been a positive or negative in your life?