Why?

I often wonder why?
Why me?
Do you?
I suppose I could also ask why not me?
But mostly I ask why me?
Why did I become a heroin addict?
Why did I develop an eating disorder?
Where did it all start?

I can trace my food issues back to when I was a child
My father was a heavy drinker and a control freak and my mother was an enabler
All of us kids wanted her to leave him, begged her to but it wasn't until I was 18 that she finally got the courage to walk
She has since told me that she didn't want to leave until her kids were raised
I can understand this but I often wonder if things turned out different if she had left earlier
My mother and father couldn't be more different
Where he is insecure, she is confident
Where was is a drinker, she rarely has a drink
Where he is a controller, she is a free spirit
Where he is a loner, she is a social butterfly
So while my house was full of anger, chaos and tension I turned to the one thing I had for comfort, food
I loved my food
I remember people used to always say to me 'Ruby, you have such a great appetite, you really love your food'
I hated when people said this, I thought they were saying I was greedy
I didn't want to be a 'good eater'
I wanted to a petite, delicate eater, eating little bites and saying 'oh no thanks, I'm full'
I remember going to my bestfriends house next door
Her mother was an amazing cook and they always had a big, black pot on the stove
Everyday I would say 'what's in the big, black pot today?'
And her mother would let me taste the yummy food
In fact, a lot of my childhood memories are related to food
A few years ago I was going through old photo albums
I found a letter I had written to my mother when I was maybe 6 or 7
It simply said 'Dear mammy, thank you for all the lovely dinners, love from Ruby'

As a grew in to an anxst ridden teenager, food took a back seat as I discovered drink and drugs
But out of my group of friends, I was the only one who went on to heroin and became addicted
So why me?
Why out of all my friends did my life become so unmanageable?
I guess the answer is complicated
First of all I look at my fathers side of the family
There are 9 in his family and everyone of them has battled addiction in one form or another, including drink, drugs and food
So genetics was against me from the get go
Addiction was never discussed growing up so I had no idea I was vulnerable
My uncle died when I was 10
We were told he had died of a brain tumour but then heard on the grapevine that he had in fact died on the street from a drug over dose
Like a lot of things in my family, it was never discussed, it was just brushed under the carpet
Environment was also a factor
I had grown up around addiction therefore it was familiar
Wanting to escape also, I was so unhappy at home and spent as little time as possible there
The tension in our house was thick, one wrong word and my father could blow his lid
He was ok when he was drunk, all happy and loving
But it was the hangovers you had to watch out for
I remember one morning my mother asked my father if he wanted breakfast
He picked up his cup of tea and threw it in her face

I guess the company I kept also contributed
All my friends dabbled in drugs and as I became addicted I only hung around with addicts
I started going out with a boy when I was 16
I knew he was in to drugs and that was part of the attraction
Just after my 18th birthday he introduced me to heroin
I remember that night so well
He injected and I smoked
The next time I also injected
I was hooked instantly
We stayed together for the next 6 years but we were more like partners in crime than boyfriend and girlfriend
So I suppose bad luck also played a part
Being in the wrong place at the wrong time

All the while I was addicted to drugs my eating disorder was silently developing
I had no idea I had anorexia until a nurse sat me down and told me
In the beginning it wasn't about weight at all
All I knew was that not eating made me feel good
I chopped and changed addictions for the next few years from food to alcohol to drugs to prescription drugs
Shop lifting was also a problem
I started shoplifting as a young teenager and used it as a way to get money for drugs
I also began shoplifting food to binge on and have only stopped doing that recently

Out of 6 people in my family, 4 of us are addicts but thankfully all of us are in recovery
My brother is the only child who has escaped addiction
Tellingly, he is the most like my mother
He is able to have a glass of wine with dinner and leave it at that
I never do this
I didn't drink to enjoy the drink I drank to get drunk
As they say in AA 'One is too many and a thousand never enough'
Tellingly my brother is most like my mother
I think I am a mixture of both my mother and father
For the next few years I chopped and changed between addictions, from drugs to food to alcohol to prescription drugs
Ironically, it wasn't until my family turned their back on me that I finally saw what a mess I was
Up until this point they had enabled me, giving me money, bailing me out of situations, my mother even drove me to my dealer
But when they stopped all this I was up shit creek
I was totally alone
My boyfriend and I had broke up and I was a young girl in a big city with a heroin habit
So, so vulnerable
I got in to so much trouble, did unspeakable things for money and of course people took advantage of me
With the support of my family I managed to quit heroin and stop drinking
I haven't used or drank in nearly 3 years
Prescription drugs are another matter
After having a short time clean, I've recently gone back to abusing them
I'm on methadone, anti anxiety and an anti depressant and I abuse them all
So technically I'm not clean at all
When I first got clean I used to go to AA and NA but stopped going as I was experiencing massive anxiety
I also felt excluded from the group but that was probably my fault as I kept at a distance and never went to social gatherings
I could do with the support right now but I can't see myself going back any time soon

My eating disorder is still very active
I spent most of yesterday binging and purging
I have a path worn fro my kitchen to my bathroom
I did make an appointment to see Mary next week and hopefully I can get back on track with her help
To be honest, I can't imagine a life without my eating disorder
What would I do?
What would I think about?
How would I spend my time?
What would I work towards?
I suppose the answer is I would have a life
I'd have friends
I'd have a boyfriend
I'd go to school
I 'd have a job
I''d have hobbies
I' be just like everyone else
Average
And that scares the living shit out of me
As much as I don't like to admit it, my eating disorder makes me different
It makes me stand out
Dare I say, it makes me special
I don't want to be average
I want to be different
I want to be me

I often wonder if I could go back in time would I change anything?
I think I can honestly say that I wouldn't
As hard and as low as addiction and anorexia/bulimia have been, there have also been highs
I have been to drug and eating disorder treatment 7 times and I have met some of the most amazing people
The other girls I have met who have eating disorders have been, without exception, the most kind, giving, talented and beautiful people I have ever met
I would never have met them otherwise
The picture of the angel below is a drawing a lad in treatment gave to me
He made it in art therapy
He and I were very close and he gave me this picture with a beautiful message on the back
I was blown away and so touched
We are still in touch
So no, I wouldn't change a thing except maybe how much I hurt those around me
Through addiction I have experienced so many things that I otherwise would not have
I've been to the university of life

I was wondering about you
How did your story start?
Would you change anything if you could?

Here's some random photos from my room

Thank for reading x

Sisters at heart, partners in crime

My sister went back to Australis this morning
I am heartbroken
We left for the airport at 5am and I was dreading saying goodbye
As we sat and had a cup of tea, I spotted a card in a shop that said 'sisters at heart, partners in crime'
That sums up my relationship with my sister perfectly
Thankfully the goodbye was short and sweet and there weren't too many tears
It also wasn't too bad because I know I'll be seeing her again in December when myself and my mother go over for Christmas
I really will miss her though, I had become so used to her being around an now there is a sister shaped hole in the house
We tried to squeeze as much as we could in to her last couple of days
On Monday myself, my 2 sisters and my nephew went horse riding
I have been wanting to do that forever so we finally did it on Monday
We had a choice between a trek on the beach or a lesson in the ring
Myself and my nephew wanted to go to the beach but my sisters were a bit reluctant
We managed to get around them though and we set off to the beach
My horses name was Shavasna and she was so beautiful
I am a huge animal lover, especially horse and dogs
We had such a great time walking through the sand dunes
I didn't want it to end
I find being around animals is so therapeutic , they seem to have a sixth sense
I know I would lost without my dogs
When I was at my sickest and utterly depressed, and couldn't find a reason to get out of bed in the morning, they were my reason
They depended on me and I had to look after them no matter what
I had to walk them, feed them, love them
They have seen me at my very worst
Their love is unconditional
 I remember seeing this on t-shirt once 'I wish I was as great as my dog thinks I am'
So so true
I miss my sister already
As I said in my last post, she is a good influence on me
She has been living in Sydney for then last 10 years and she is totally independent, something I hope to be some day
She has a good balance of being a good, responsible person with just the right amount of fun and crazy thrown in
I love that I can say anything to her and she won't judge me or think less of me

She came to the dentist with me yesterday for my follow up appointment
I had to get 2 more fillings ( 2down, 6 to go)
The dentist is lovely and it didn't hurt at all
After he wasn't finished the nurse handed me a mirror to see my teeth
I had no idea  what I was supposed to be looking at so I just said 'oh yea, very nice'
It wasn't until I got home and checked them properly that I realised that he had cleaned them too and had done a very good job
At this point I was confused
I was only eligible to get 2 fillings on my medical card, anything else and I would have to pay through the nose
I hadn't been charged for cleaning so it then dawned on me that he had done it pro bono
What a lovely, lovely, kind dentist
I'm definitely going to write a thank you note to him
He also said that if I hadn't got my fillings, I would've lost the teeth
Bulimia and addiction have really taken their toll on my teeth and I so glad to be finally getting something done with them

I also have another sister who live about 10 minutes away
She is 5 years older than my and my other sister is 10 years older
My sister who live nearby and I have quite a strained relationship
She is also a recovering alcoholic so you would think we have a lot in common but I have to admit I have a resentment against her
Yesterday, my sister, my nephew and I went for a walk with my dogs
I can't recall how it came up but she said to me that she thinks I don't like her
So she has picked up on my resentment
I tried to explain to her that it wasn't that I didn't like her but I felt hurt that she never asks me to babysit my nephew
This true, she never asks me
I asked her why and she said she couldn't run the risk of someone being around him who is 'sick' and                                                                      'might be a bad influence'
I was really hurt by this
I never get to spend any time with him one on one and I would love to
I wish I had said more to my sister but I didn't want it to escalate in to an argument
I suppose I see a lot of myself in my sister, it's like looking in a mirror and that's hard
Every time I see this sister I feel like I'm meeting her for the first time
Where my relationship with my other sister is easy and effortless, my relationship  with my other sister is hard work with very little pay.

Things are slowly returning in my house but my eating disorder is ever present
When I was trying on boots at the horse riding,  the lady said to me ' Oh you have nice skinny legs, I'll give you a pair of childrens boots'
This comment was very triggering and will be stored away at the back of my brain forever
I personally don't like comments about my weight, good or bad and I never pass comments about other peoples weight
You just never know how someone will take it
I have to admit though, I did feel good when she said that about my legs
I wish this world didn't have so much weight (pun intended) in what people look like or how pretty are or how much they way
I would much rather spend time with someone who was interesting and not so good looking than I would with a beautiful dull person
I don't read magazines but when I do I see pages and pages of girls who are clones of each other, false tan and rail thin and of course the obligatory close up shots of cellulite
Why do we look up to these women?
Why look up to doctors, teachers or lawyers
I know it isn't cool to look to them but hopefully the Olympians this year will be role models for ou young people

I'm staring to see that this blog is becoming more and more of a recovery blog
I didn't decide this, it just kind of happened
 I was wondering about
Do you prefer to read about 'an eating disorder or read about recovery?

I also wondered about you and your siblings
Do you have sister and how do you get on?
Do you get on better with your brothers or sisters?

More photos...............

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Better the Devil you know

My weekly doctors appointments are getting stranger and stranger
This morning he opened with 'Ruby, I'm sorry I'm late, my wife was away this weekend and you know what men are like when they're left to their own devices so I had to spend the morning cleaning up'
Ok
Too much information?
Not really though, I have been seeing the same doctor week in week out for over 7 years and it seems we have run out of health related topics to talk about
You see I have to go every week being on a methadone programme
I have to get my urine drug tested (although he rarely does this anymore)
Also they give out more than a weeks methadone at a time unless you are going away
So today we talked about, The community Games, The Olympics, writing and horse riding
Don't get me wrong he is a lovely man but I think like a lot of people, he assumes I am better because I have regained some weight
He knows I still purge but it's rarely mentioned
I guess it's up  to me to mention it but who wants to talk about how many times a day they throw up

This summer has also been strange
Strange but good
I think I probably started worrying about this summer at christmas
I worried about the wedding in Italy, I stressed about my sister coming home as we've clashed before, I agonised over so many people being in and out of my house all summer
But like so many things in my life, it's the thought of the event rather than the actual event that cause me so much worry
Usually it's just me and my mother at home and she works away during the week so a lot of the time I am alone and I had got used to that
I thought having so many people around drive me bananas but wonder of all wonders I actually enjoyed it
Although the food in Italy caused some stress, I wouldn't have missed it for the world
To see my  cousin, who I've known my whole life get married and be so happy was not to be missed
Having my sister home has been a tonic
She is  a bundled of energy, so spontaneous and go, go, go and it definitely rubbed off on me
I think I've had more fun this summer than I've had in the last 5 years, maybe even 10 years
I had forgotten how great it feels to laugh
To really laugh, a proper belly laugh where you think you're going to pee
My sister said to me last night that if I surround myself with positive people the positivity will flow through them in to me
This makes sense
As they say 'you are the company you keep'
She is returning to Australia early Wednesday morning and I am dreading it
I will go to the airport but I can't promise that I won't cry
What I won't miss is the bubbling tension between my sister and my mother
It has been simmering for the past 2 weeks and as I type they are locked in a passive aggressive fight
As with every fight in my family, I am caught in the middle and I hate it
I tend to stay out of fights but that doesn't mean I'm not dragged in to them
Leave them to it I say

I had decided to weigh this morning
I haven't weighed in, it must be months now and I had a sudden urge to know my weight
But fate intervened and I was running late this morning so I didn't have time although maybe that would have been an ideal time to weigh as I wouldn't have had time to have a nervous breakdown
I stopped weighing (apart from Mary weighing me) because it was taking over my life
I weighed obsessively, nearly every hour
Those little numbers had so much power over me
I analysed every little loss and gain
A gain sent me in to a tailspin and a loss left me high for the rest of the day
I have 2 sets of scales in my room
The taunt me every day, daring me to step on them
Only this week did I shove them under a set of drawers
Maybe I'll weigh tomorrow

Now that the summer is coming to an end and things are beginning to return to normal, I feel my eating disorder hanging around more and more like a bad smell
She is ridiculing me for gaining weight, trying to lure me back in with false promises of happiness
I am trying to ignore her but it is so very tempting
Just one more time, maybe an all time low weight
This is what keeps me coming back, the thought of losing, the buzz of my clothes feeling looser, the feel of my bones getting sharper
But I have to  remind myself that this comes with a high prices
Depression, isolation, illness and anxiety come as a package with anorexia
I wonder what I will do once this summer is over
How will I spend my time, what will I think about, what will I focus on
Recovery or eating disorder
I suppose my eating disorder is the devil I know
Recovery is an unkown beast
Time will tell I suppose
I'm still not sure which I want
Life or death
Death is sometimes the easy option, life requires courage and strength
As I've often said, I want to want to recover
I want to want it so much
I need to ring Mary, I haven't seen her in weeks
I suppose I've been busy living
And I have been living this summer not merely existing
But I know how easy I revert back to old behaviours
Here's hoping............

Enjoy some food porn and photos from Cork,

Enjoy................

Adventures In Cork

First I want to say a big THANK YOU to the lovely Aggy over at Rhinocratic Oaths for nominating me for an award. I will get around to doing the rules some time this weekend
Love you Aggy you are an inspiration!

My trip to Cork got off to an interesting start
Tuesday morning myself, my sister, my mother and my aunt piled in to my mothers little Yaris and set off on our 'girlies road trip'
I had been suffering the mother of all toothaches for a few days already, hoping against hope that it would go away of it's own accord
But the thought of the 6 hour drive to Cork was to much to bear so I made the announcement that I need to see a dentist 'tout suite'
At this point I must stress how much I hate going to the dentist
Years of drug abuse, methadone and bulimia have really taken their toll on my teeth and every time I go to the dentist he finds a multitude of things wrong
I was lucky (or unlucky) enough to be seen straight away at the first dentist I called in to
My sister came with me for moral support
The dentist examined my teeth and came to the conclusion that I needed 1 extraction and 8, yes 8 fillings
Next he stuck me in the mouth with 2 enormous needles and I was left alone to wait for my gum to numb
A few minutes later and I'm all numb
I really couldn't feel any pain as he tried to yank my tooth out but the noises alone were enough to make me pull my knees up to my chest and pray for him to finish quickly
With one last crack and crunch he pulled the guilty culprit out
Relief, oh the relief
He then called my sister in and spoke to her like she was my mother
I'm sure he thought I was a lot younger than I actually am
So I made another appointment for another 2 fillings next week, I'm dreading it already
He was a lovely man though, I had to tell him I was on methadone and he was concerned but wasn't patronising the way so many people can be
So all in all it was a pretty positive experience and I was able to continue our road trip

I have to admit I wasn't looking forward to the drive down so I dosed myself with medication and slept most of the way
Eventually we arrived at our B & B, myself and my sister sharing a room
I love being around my sister, we act like a couple of dorks and crack each other up
She really is a good influence, she's a good person with just the right amount of crazy
Of course food was a problem and bulimia showed up uninvited but doesn't she always do that
Just because I'm on holiday doesn't mean she is
Breakfast was included in the B&B and it was actually a bit of a revelation for me
I never eat breakfast and do most of my eating in the evening
But while I was away I had a cooked breakfast, bacon, egg and sausage
It filled me but it wasn't too filling and it kept me going until the evening
Why wasn't I told about breakfast before?, I mean where have I been that I didn't realise this already
Mary is always telling me to eat breakfast, that it's the most important meal of the day but part of me didn't quite believe her
I know protein keeps you fuller for longer but I usually go for carbs
I won't be having a cooked breakfast every morning but I'll definitely be having something from now on so I won't get so hungry that I need to binge

I wrote in my last post about how I put my 'anorexic' jeans away
So I decided to get a pair to replace them
So I went in to fat face and tried on a lovely navy pair in a size UK 8
I thought they fit perfectly in the shop but then wearing them I realised they were too big
Part of me is secretly happy they are too big and it is slightly triggering
I 've been lucky enough to have had 2 holidays this summer and I suppose both my eating disorder and recovery have been put on hold
Getting away really has been the best medicine I could have taken
It has reawakened my love of travel. of people, dare I say it, of food
I guess it makes me remember that there is a whole world out there, that the world does not revolve around me and my eating disorder
I haven't weighed in a long time and that has been a huge step
I used to weigh up to 20 times a day obsessively
But I can't take the risk anymore
Those little numbers can have a devastating effect
If the number is up I spiral in to a black hole of dpression
If the number is down I sky rocket in to euphoria
Those little numbers dictate my mood, my self worth and my self esteem
It's just not worth it anymore

Instead of telling you all about Cork I thought I would post some photos instead, a picture paints a thousand words and all that

By the way the first one is of me straight after coming out of the dentist

Enjoy...................

Olympic Hangover!

Has anyone else got caught up in the hype of the Olympics?
I don't usually but this year I most certainly have, maybe because they were held just across the water in London
I watched the visual spectacular that was the closing ceremony last night and wow, what I would've given to have been there
For the most part it was brilliant, Jessie J, Emile Sande, Tinie Tempah, Madness, The Spice Girls and many more. London sure knows how to throw a party
Everyone looked like they were having an absolute ball and a great finish to what were a massively successful Olympics
Although I have to admit there were a couple of cringe worthy moments last night
George Michael, you were great back in the day but please drop the 'drunken uncles dance' not even you can pull that one off
The other thing I really didn't get was the appearance of the 'supermodels' including Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell. Heck if I knew who the rest of them were.
Am I missing something here but what do supermodels (or supernoodles as my sister and I call them) have to do with the Olympic Games
They looked ridiculous strutting up and down and totally out of place

I found the Olympics really inspiring
My favourite events were gymnastics, swimming, diving and boxing
It's amazing how these young men and women have the drive, strength, determination and work ethic to strive for their goal of being the best in their chosen field
For such a small country Ireland did so well and the woman of the moment was no doubt Katie Taylor who won the gold in the womens light weight boxing
Others who did well were Jade Jones, Beth Twaddle and many many more
These are the women we should be looking to as role models
They are shining examples of how it is possibles to reach your dreams
I hope young girls all over the world watched the Games as I did in absolute awe of these amazing women
Why oh why do we so often look to celebrities as role models
I understand looking up to an actor or a musician, someone who as accomplished something but I can't fathom looking up to someone who is famous for being famous
I think fame should be a by product of achieving something and not the only reason someone is known
Why also do we look up to people based on their physical appearance?
How is starving yourself to an unhealthy weight an accomplishment and something to emulate
I have to admit that for a long time I thought the only thing I was good at was losing weigh and considered it my greatest accomplishment
But now I'm slowly starting to see that there is a lot more to Ruby than anorexia/bulimia and drug addiction
When I was a child I was a bit of a high achiever
Not just as school, I also swam competitively and studied ballet and jazz
But I grew tired of being a 'good girl' and when I started secondary school I made new 'cool' friends, took up smoking, then drinking, then drugs
I was more interested in being cool and impressing boys than I was in dancing
All in all I spent over 10 years in a haze of drugs and all the while my eating disorder was silently developing
My one major regret is giving up dancing
But now I think it is way more 'cool' to be good at something, to be passionate about something, to dedicate your life to being better
Out of my group of school friends I was the only one to develop I drug addiction
I have often wondered why this is
True, they dabbled but their lives were not devastated in the way mine was
We were all brought up in the same town, in a similar fashion so why were they able to leave their drug use behind them and I went on to develop a serious heroin problem
I'm sure genetics loaded the gun and maybe up bringing, environment, circumstances and bad luck pulled the trigger
Addiction is rife in my family so maybe it was fate
Looking back on myself as a teenager I can see that I was very immature and probably still am
I thought I knew everything when in fact I knew precious little
I did and said exactly as I please and didn't give a flying fuck what anyone thought of me
I actually would give anything now to not care what people thought of me but back then I didn't care enough
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I so admire these young athletes
To have the presence of my mind and the vision to work so hard for their dreams is truly amazing
I'm sure it's not easy and they have probably sacrificed so much but I'm pretty sure it is worth it
I've been told my whole life that I have 'great potential'
I hate hearing that
What does it mean?
That I could, maybe, possibly do something great
No guarantee
I often wonder that if I could go back in time what would I say or what advice I would give to my teenage self and would I even listen?
I would probably tell myself not to give up dancing, not to give up on my dreams because they are not 'cool'
I would tell myself that I have my whole life to worry about boys and drinking and drugs
That the 'coolest' thing is to be yourself and that I don't need to impress anyone
If I could go back in time would I change anything?
Apart from giving up dancing I don't think I would change too much
Even the nightmare that is addiction and disordered eating
Those experiences have shaped the person I am today
There have been such devastating lows but also incredible highs
I have met the most amazing and incredible people

I was wondering about you
If you could talk to your child or teenage self, what would you say or what advice would you give her?
If you could go back in time would you change anything?

Since I started writing this blog nearly every week a blogger I follow has stopped blogging for various reasons. Some have decided to give recovery a shot and some have simply found that life is more important than being thin
The most recent blogger I follow who has decided to recover is 'Pretty lies and Fake Smiles'
It is bittersweet for me when I see that a blogger is leaving the community
I feel sad because I will miss them but mostly I feel happy because they chosen life
Anorexia/bulimia/Ednos is no way to live although I know not everyone in this community has a diagnosed eating disorder and considers themselves pro-ana
I feel like I am in limbo in more ways than one
I am flirting with recovery but even though I have gained some weight my mind is still so very sick
I'm engaging in therapy but my eating disorder is still ever present
Also in regards to my blog I feel in limbo
I don't consider myself pro-ana but I do read pro-ana blogs
I also read an follow recovery blogs but I commit to neither way of life
It's a strange, wishy washy, no mans land place to be
As I have often said, I want to want to recover
Having my sister home is good for me
She lives life to the full and that rubs off on me
I had such an urge to weigh myself last night
I resisted though
I have 2 pairs of jeans that I call 'my anorexic jeans'
I tried them on last night and although they still fit and I can close them fine, they hang on my hips the way they used to
So I bit the bullet and put them away at the back of my wardrobe and also fished out some jeans in a bigger size that fit me better
This really was a big deal for me

I am going away again tomorrow, to Cork with my sister, my aunt and my mother
So I may not get to blog again for a few days

Hope you are all doing ok and am sending love to each and every one of you

Doggies' Day Out

I had an unexpected visitor the other day
Anyone who knows me knows I love dancing and wanted to be a dancer before I got involved with drugs, alcohol and food
I used to teach hip-hop to kids but had to stop due to illness
So this girl called on to my house to inquire about getting dance lessons one on one as she couldn't find any dance groups to join in this area
She is 15 and such a sweetheart
She reminded me of me when I was her age, so keen and eager to learn
I asked her if any of her friends were interested in dancing and she said most of them are only interested in getting drunk or high at the weekend
I told her I thought she was great to not get sucked in to that and was impressed how determined she was to dance
I studied ballet and jazz from the age of 10 -16
I loved it and it was my whole life
I ate, slept and breathed dancing
But once I turned 16 it wasn't cool to be a dancer and I wanted to hang out with my friends so I began to lose interest in dancing
I also started dabbling in drugs and so I gave up ballet completely
It is my one major regret in life that I gave it up
I often wonder how different my life would've been if I'd carried on
Fast forward to a couple of years ago and I'm teaching hip-hop
I had no knowledge of this type of dance so I got out loads of DVD's and taught myself
But overnight I lost my confidence and was starting to lose weight again so I gave it up
Looking back I don't know how I managed to teach for 2 years, I can't imagine doing that now
I just don't have the confidence or the self belief
Anyway I told the girl I would think about it and I'll ring her next week
Part of me would just love to do this
To dance again would be a dream come true
But I am also terrified
If I do this I want to do it right, for her sake and mine
I am going away to Cork for few days next week so I will think about it then
What do you think I should do?
If you were me would you do it?

As I said in my last post, my older sister is home from Sydney and we get on like a house on fire
She has been living in Sydney for the last 10 years so I only get to see her once every couple of years
She really is a good influence on me and when we're together we're always laughing
She is 10 years older than me so we only really started to get on in the last few years
When we were younger all we did was get drunk and get off our faces
But now neither of us drink or use
She is a real go getter and always want to be on the go and doing something
So she decided she wanted to go swimming in the sea and talked me in to going with her
Bear in mind I live in Ireland, so even though it's summer here at the moment it's not that hot
So we donned rashies and board shorts and headed for our local beach with my 2 dogs in tow
My sister ran straight in but I was more cautious and slowly moved out deeper and deeper
I finally mustered the courage to put my shoulders under and as the icy water hit me I shouted out
'Mother-fucker' at the top of my lungs
Cue disapproving looks from mothers and fathers
It was lovely though and my dogs also swam with us
The water was so cold it took my breath away and I hot footed it back out to the shore
I felt great after it though, revitalised and energised

My brother is also staying here for a few days and my aunt is coming on Sunday so the house is getting pretty full
This means my routine is all of out whack
I usually do the same thing everyday at the same time (yes I am that sad)
But now my routine is out the window as there are so any people around
I love that my sister is so spontaneous, I'd love to be that way
She just gets an idea to do something and goes and does it
I on the other hand, would have to plan days ahead in order to anything
Also as regards food
She love food just like I do and she's a great cook
She eats whenever she's hungry and doesn't when she's not
I wish I could be like that
I can't even identify when I'm hungry anymore
It's strange having so many people in the house
Usually I dread the thought of people being around
My eating disorder likes to be alone and it makes binging and purging difficult
But I find that I am enjoying there being a bit of life about the place
The sound of laughter and chatter is lovely
I even find that my mood had improved
It's only when I'm feeling better that I realise how depressed I was
Is this what happiness feels like?
I'm not sure as I've not felt happiness in such a long time
I am the youngest of 4 and yes I would say I am spoiled
Not with material things as such but with attention
I get on great with everyone in my family and I am always going to be the baby
Because I was given so much attention growing up, I think I am always looking for attention or more like validation and acceptance
I have always wanted to be liked and loved and because of this became a social chameleon, changing my personality to suit the person I was with
If I was with a quiet person, I too would become quiet like them
If I was with someone who was loud and boisterous, I too would be loud
From an early age I was fascinated with accents, mainly because I thought I didn't have one and I love the way you could identify someone and where they came from by their accent
I really just wanted to be accepted and to belong so I would change my accent to fit in
When I lived in Dublin I acquired a Dublin accent
When I went to London I tried to sport a cockney twang
Growing up I also tried to belong somewhere
I tried to fit in with the hippies, the goths and the geeks and finally found acceptance with the drug crowd
But of course that world was a web of lies
I've tried so long to blend in but as I get older I see that differences are what make us interesting
Who wants to live in a world where everyone is the same
How boring would that be?
So I am learning to embrace my quirks and foibles
I like to be different
I don't want to be a clone of someone else, I want to be me
There are very few people  that I feel totally comfortable around to be me
I feel comfortable around my family in particular and very few others
My sister is someone who I love to be around as I can say or do anything and I know that she won't judge me
I can be my absolute batshit crazy self around her and I know she won't bat an eyelid
I've slowly but surely pushed away all the people who I don't feel comfortable around

I was wondering about you
Are you like me and change your personality to suit others?
Are there many people you feel totally comfortable around?

Anyway, here are today's photos at my local beach

Enjoy...............