Detox

So I'm 5 days in to my methadone drop
Again, it was only a 5ml drop but any drop is a big deal
I collect it at my local chemist every Monday and Friday
There used to be a really kind chemist that worked there
I had been dealing with him since I moved here 7 years ago and he always took the time to talk to me, ask me how I was getting on and give me encouragement
I was the only person in my town on methadone and I kept it a secret from anyone who didn't need to know
It really made a difference to me that he was so kind and warm
Then one day about 2 years ago he was gone
I have since found out that he was fired for being 'too friendly' to a female customer
I find that hard to believe
He was replaced by a girl who is perfectly civil but not as nice
Now they have a new chemist and she is just lovely
Today when she saw my methadone had dropped she said 'That's great Ruby, you're making good progress'
It really made my day
Heroin addicts and people on methadone have such a bad name and I do my best to dispel the myth that we are all liars, thieves and cheats
Not a lot of people know I'm on methadone, just my family and all of you of course so it was nice to hear something positive and encouraging
They say that methadone is harder to come off than heroin
They say it gets in to your bones
I well believe this as any detox I've done off synthetic drugs has been much more difficult than a detox off natural drugs
I've only done one methadone detox before when I was 19
I did it in hospital and it wasn't too bad as I was just at the start of my drug career and so wasn't so physically dependent
This time is different
I've been on methadone now for 7 years
I started on 70mls and over the years have worked my way down to 30mls
Any drop from here on in will be tough
Methadone withdrawals are not pretty and are both physical and mental

- Sweating
- Insomnia
- Muscle aches and pains
- Diarrhoea
- Vomiting

And plenty more
Then there's the mental effects
People can experience anxiety and depression after stopping completely
Methadone is so difficult to come off as it is long acting (as opposed to heroin which is short acting)
It stays in the body for up 48 hours so even though I take it every day I would be  ok if I missed a day or two
I don't know if I'm imagining it or nor but I've already experienced sweating and lack of sleep
I can't lie and even though I know it's a good thing, I am terrified to detox completely
It has been such a big part of my life for so long that I can't imagine life without it
It holds me accountable
I have to see my doctor every week and do a drug test so it's a deterrent to using
I am so very afraid that the craving to use will come back
And I swear I would rather die than go back to that life
The murky underworld of drug addiction is a horrible place
Once addicted to heroin you get incredibly sick if you don't have some every few hours
I remember one Christmas a few years ago myself and my family went away for Christmas
I brought along what I thought would be enough drugs for the few days
But I was always greedy when it came to drugs and I they were gone in 2 days
Withdrawals quickly set in and I begged my parents to take me to a doctor
It was a small town in the west of Ireland and I'm sure the doctor had no experience of addicts
He didn't entertain me though and gave me a few Effexor which was like giving someone an asprin for a heart attack
The next 2 days were a living hell
I spent them in bed, alternating between cold sweats and hot flushes
I couldn't get any relief, there wasn't a hope of the sweet release of sleep
I felt like my body was turning inside out and there was nothing I could do about it
I will never forget the pain I went through then and so I am anxious not to repeat that

I have stopped taking my other meds, the anti depressant and the anti anxiety
I can't seem to take them properly so I'm not going to take them at all
They also give me a ravenous appetite so I won't miss that
In fact my eating has changed this week
Bulimia has stopped in her tracks and my appetite has all but vanished
Don't get me wrong, I am glad that bulimia has left the building but I don't particularly want to go the other way either, anorexia is not much better
I have bounced from addiction to addiction my whole life
Food to alcohol to drugs to prescription drugs..........
And so I seem to have moved from abusing my meds to restricting again
Eating disorders and addiction and are so very similar
Same shit, different substance
The behaviours are the same
The lying, the stealing, the shame, the guilt
But where as drug addiction and bulimia are similar, a roller coaster of extreme highs and lows
Anorexia is different in that it  is more like a never ending, monotonous, numb feeling
Not feeling hungry is very triggering though
That empty feeling is triggering
It is very tempting to go down that road again
Anorexia is whispering softly in my ear trying to lure me in with false promises of happiness
She sounds warm and friendly and tells that 'this time will be different'
'This time I really will be happy'
She tells how good it would feel to reach an all time low weight
How satisfying it would feel
But I know her all too well by now
I know that she will seduce me until I am captive
I know that then she will show her true colours and how evil she truly is
I know that along with the weight I will lose my mind
I know that she will get stronger and stronger the more I listen to her
I know that before I know what's happening I will be a shell of a girl
I know that with the high of weight loss comes the low of depression, anxiety and paranoia
I know that even though my bones become sharp I will still believe that I am fat
I know that I will never get to enjoy the one thing I crave the most because I will still think  am fat
But even though I know all this she is still hard to resist
'I am all you need' she tells me
'You can't live without me'
But in fact the opposite is true
The truth is anorexia will not be satisfied until I am dead
She wants me dead
So I will do my very best to fight her off
I will try my hardest not to listen
I will keeping trying to keep some semblance of normality to my life
I won't give up

I was wondering if any of you lovely people out there have ever done a methadone detox or a drug detox
I would really love to speak to someone who has been through this
If you don't want to leave a comment feel free to email me
I'd love to hear from you

Knock out Monday

I saw my doctor on Monday
I probably should have told him how bad I'm feeling
I probably should have told him that my mood has plummeted
I probably should have told him that I have a passive deathwish
I definitely should have told him that I'm abusing my meds again
My mother now calls Mondays knock out Monday because I take all my meds
He decided to reduce my methadone this week
Not by a lot, only 5mls
I'm sure he wouldn't have done this if I had told him the truth
I swear I am my own worst enemy
I used to be on 70mls of methadone and now I am down to 30mls
I probably won't notice the 5mls at all but it's more of a mental thing
Knowing I have my methadone lessens the chance of me craving heroin
Also it would be futile to use because it doesn't work if you use on top of methadone
And believe me I've tried
Something about the opiate receptors in the brain being blocked
I am also terrified that my longing for drugs will come back
That would be an absolute disaster
I think back to my drug using days and it's like it happened to someone else
I wonder how I got through it all alive and relatively unscathed
It was ok when I was going out with my boyfriend
We were partners in crime and did everything together
But once we broke up I was totally alone
I was a young girl in a big city on my own with a heroin problem
Needless to say I got in to all kinds of trouble
My mother reminded me of one of those days recently
It was a crazy time
My mother and father had just broken up
I was using and my sister was drinking
Her little boy used to come and stay with us sometimes
My boyfriend was in jail and I was living between my mothers and my boyfriends uncle
I think I mentioned him before, he was paralysed in an accident and was in a wheel chair
My boyfriend wanted me to bring him drugs so me and his uncle set off for the prison one day
I was terrified
I had the drugs wrapped up in a condom in my mouth
I put Liam's wheelchair together and helped him in to it
All the while with a couple grams of heroin in my mouth
I was trying my best to act normal and not draw attention to myself
The guard came and we followed him from the waiting room to the visitors room
I was pushing the wheelchair and as we came to a slope I was so distracted that I lost control of the wheel chair and Liam went flying out of it and on the ground
Everyone turned to see what had happened
Talk about drawing attention to myself
Two guards helped Liam back in to the chair and I tried not to have a nervous breakdown
Eventually we got to the visitors room and it was time to pass the drugs in a kiss
In the end it was fine, he got his drugs and I managed not to have a complete meltdown
This is just one example of the crazy shit that became the norm when I was using
I lost any semblance of self respect I had when using
You say to yourself 'Oh I'd never steal or I'd never do this or that but inevitably you end up doing all the things you swore you'd never do and worse
I remember when my nephew was staying with us I used to bring him to my dealer and let him play upstairs while I shot up heroin in the kitchen
This particular family had 3 kids and they used to break my heart
They were so thin and so pale, probably from malnutrition
The youngest boy was the same age as my nephew but he wasn't even talking yet
I used to babysit them and pick them up from school
I'd give them little treats
When people were taking drugs in the kitchen if the boys tried to come in they were roared at to 'get the fuck out now'
They must have been so confused
Probably terrified
I remember the oldest had his communion and my boyfriend was standing for him
But halfway through the party we all left to go to Dublin to get drugs
I wonder what has happened to those boys now
The oldest is about 16 or 17
I just hope that they haven't followed in their parents footsteps
But I fear they probably have

I was talking to Mary this morning about my fears of using
She asked me what I can do to make sure this doesn't happen
I know one thing I could do is go back to NA meetings
I used to go to meetings when I first got clean
I used to go about 4 times a week
And they did help
They got me out of the house and talking to people who are in the same position as me
I even got a sponsor and called her every day and met up with her once a week
I had friends through the meetings and was doing well
I also started going to food meetings, Food Addicts Anonymous
The food meetings worked on the same principal as NA and worked the 12 steps
They considered sugar, wheat and flour to be addictive and cut them completely out of their diet
They weigh and measure all their food, even in restaurants (I've witnessed this)
I could identify with the others a lot but I couldn't get my head around the food plan so I stopped going
At NA I always kept myself at a distance, never going to any social events
I said no so much that people eventually stopped asking me
I started to feel excluded but it was my own fault
I remember someone saying once that NA is like a boat, if you get in to the middle you won't fall off
I definitely kept to the edge of the boat so I eventually fell off
I had also started getting really bad anxiety at meeting, so bad that my heart would thump out of my chest and my body would start to shake
So I stopped going
I went to treatment then and I haven't been to a meeting since I've come home
I would love to go back, I really would and I know it would be good for me
I just can't seem to muster up the courage
If I go back I want to be sure that I'm committed to giving it a real shot and I just don't know if I am
I need to do something though because I can feel myself slipping
I've been abusing my meds again including the olanzipine
I had stopped taking it as it was making me hungry all the time but now I am using it to knock myself out along with the methadone and anti depressants
Everything just seems like too much at the moment
Everything is such an effort
I'm not seeing Mary again until next Friday and I'm already wondering how much weight I can lose by then
As my mood gets worse I'm turning to the one thing I know will numb me
Food
The battery was dead in Mary's scale today so I don't know my weight
Thank God for small mercies

I'm just not sure where to go from here
I feel like I'm at a crossroads
I can either try to embrace recovery or retreat further in to my eating disorder
I've already lost 12 years to this illness and I don't want to lose another 12
But the alternative is also scary
Life on life's terms as they say in the meetings
My parents give me so much support and they are not going to be around forever
They are in their 60's and I should be taking care of them instead of them taking care of me
I depend on them for emotional support and also financial support
I am living in my mothers house and as much as I would like it, I don't think I am ready to live on my own, I would probably get worse
I used to meet this girl when I was walking my dogs at the beach
She was stick thin an obviously had anorexia
She would walk all day long
I haven't seen her in a long time and I wonder what happened to her
Did she get well?
Did she die?
I wish death scared me more
I'm not afraid to die and in fact I'm more afraid of others dying than I am of myself dying
I need to get it together
I need to pull my head out of my ass and face up to life
I want to want recovery if that makes sense
I don't understand why someone would want this illness
Come and walk a day in my shoes
There is nothing glamorous about eating disorders and yet there is a myth that there is
What is glamorous about cleaning vomit off the bathroom floor?
What is glamorous about your skin turning grey?
What is glamorous about your hair falling out?
What is glamorous about binging and purging all day long?
Come walk a day in my shoes and then tell me you want an eating disorder

Forgive me, I'm probably making absolutely no sense at all
My head is so jumbled up and confused that I don't know which way is up

I was wondering if any of you have ever been to NA, AA or any food meetings?
Did you find them good?

'Laura'

Just for a second I thought I was going to be ok
Just for a second I thought I could see a glimmer of light at the end of this dark tunnel
Just for a second I thought I might even be in recovery
I was wrong
I began my birthday by downing 3 days worth of methadone and 2 days worth of my other meds
I didn't feel like I was celebrating another year older
I felt like I was clocking up yet another year in the midst of this cruel illness
In fact someone left me a comment welcoming me to the 'being 30 and having an eating disorder club'
I really thought things were starting to change
My sister set me straight
She told me that I am 'sick' and in 'active addiction' and that she 'finds it really difficult' to be around me
I'm not quite sure why she chose my birthday to tell me this
I walked in to it really
I asked her why she won't allow me to babysit my nephew
She told me to read the article I wrote for an answer
It escalated in to a row
She left
Then she came back
I cried
She apologised
She said that I don't make an effort with her
But she makes it clear she doesn't want to be around me
We tried to sort it out like adults but the damage was done
The thing is, she's right
Mary asked me to keep a food journal this week and I was shocked how many times I had to put a P (for purge) beside what I had eaten
I knew I was still purging but not this much
It's so easy to slip in to denial
I think I've been in denial all summer
All summer long I've been putting on an act
Playing the part of someone in recovery
I feel like a fraud
My act was so polished, so well choreographed, rehearsed to a T
After all I had an audience to play to
At the wedding
In Cork
While my sister was home
While all the other visitors who were here
I was so convincing I even convinced myself
I'm sure it seemed plausible to them
I'm not emaciated anymore, inching ever closer to a healthy weight
I'm sure they'd like to believe I'm getting well because my body has started to recover
Why wouldn't they believe my sunny disposition was real
But what does weight have to do with anything when my mind is still so very sick
But now the audience has left
Gone back to their own lives
The theatre is empty so what's the point of keeping up the pretence
My mother is here of course but she can she through the thin veil of my act with one eye closed
If I was in recovery I would have the purging under control
If I was in recovery I wouldn't be afraid to leave my house
If I was in recovery my phone would be ringing
If I was in recovery I wouldn't still be consumed with thoughts of food and numbers
Take a bow Ruby, the show is over

I walked for miles today with my dog in the pouring rain
My other dog wouldn't budge when she saw it was lashing from the heavens
I was glad it was raining
I liked feeling cold and wet
I don't deserve to be warm and dry
Cars were speeding by me, splashing me with water
One came very close to me
It was all I could do to stop myself from stepping in front of it
But what would that do
It's a permanent solution to a hopefully temporary problem
I couldn't do that to my family and my beloved dogs
Today I am paying the price for sculling my methadone on Friday
I am clammy with sweat and I probably won't sleep tonight
I should probably shower but I don't have the energy or the inclination
I would tell my doctor how I'm feeling if I thought he would do more than put me on more meds
I don't need more meds
I'm on too many meds as it is
Giving me med is like putting a plaster on  a seeping wound
It might work for a split second but it will fall off as the wound weeps
I have an inherent belief that I am a bad person
I'm faulty and should be returned to my maker for a refund
Or at least a replacement
I walked today with my pyjamas underneath my clothes
My logic being that I will be putting them on again later on so what's the point in taking them off
Is that depression taking?
I think so
I am hoping and praying that this state of mind is temporary
That I will pull put of it
But I fear I am going mad
Maybe I have already
My thoughts are so loud and intrusive that I think others can hear them
I've taken to telling myself to shut up
I'm not quite sure what to do
Please tell me this won't last forever

I am listening to 'Bat for Lashes' new song 'Laura' on repeat
So sad
So haunting
So beautiful

I won't get to post on Tuesday, September 11th
It's hard to believe that 11 years have gone by
I remember where I was when I heard
I was in a car with a drug dealer going to get drugs who has since died of AIDS
I remember counting his money as I heard on the radio what had happened
It didn't sink in until days later
At that moment all I cared about was getting my drugs
I am lighting a candle for the 2752 people who lost their lives that day
You will never be forgotten

Happy Birthday?

Yes, it's my birthday although I don't much feel like celebrating
I had written a post but then deleted it
In fact I'm thinking of closing my blog
I don't know why, I can just feel myself slipping
I can't even articulate how I'm feeling
Just numb

A girl in treatment gave me this so I thought I would share it with you
It's by 'Body Gossip'
                                                 
                                                          This one is for you

This one is for you
For every day you owned
For the lies
The only food you allowed me
For your constant screaming
In private, in public and in sleep
For taking every inch of my being
Voice, strength and more, leaving me with a hollowed shell
A sharp edged skeleton
For turning my young body in to the ruins of a decaying, ancient building
For taking what was mine
This one is for you
For inviting me in to your world
I hated every second
For the life you claimed from behind my eyes
I'm claiming it back
For the friends you said I didn't need
We are laughing at you right now
For the cries of help you silenced
For taking my womanhood and making me in to a child again
For wrongly telling me that the rules of happiness manifested in appearance
For the whispers you provided when I looked in to your mirrors
For making me believe that I should be eternally wrong, ugly and sorry
This is to let you know that for what it's worth you can have your identity back
To let you know how good it felt the day I realised the power to fight was in me
To let you know that I ate breakfast today and enjoyed it
To let you know that every day is a struggle but I will never give up
This is to show you
That I am not the brittle one you last saw
In fact you may hardly recognise me
To show you that my body is changing
How ever hard it may be to adjust, being healthy is incredible
To show you my posture right now
As I look down on you with my head held high
So this is to let you know that I never want to hear your voice again
To let you know you are not welcome
In fact you never were
To tell you and everyone that I am beginning to like myself inside and out
To tell you that your company is not required at the meal I'll enjoy with my loved ones tomorrow
To tell you I am winning
This moment is for you For you to hear me when I say
That the only thing that was ever ugly about me was you


I love this and I wish I could say that I am winning but right now I feel like I am losing

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

I wrote an article for Libero Network
Libero Network is a non profit, on line magazine that deals with eating disorders
Basically the article is a short version of my story
I'd love to know what you think of it so feel free to leave comments,

Here's the link -

www.liberonetwork.com/lather-rinse-repeat

Trolls, Haters, Bullies

Has anyone else been following the Charlotte Dawson story?
Many of you will know Charlotte as the presenter of 'Australia's Next Top Model'
I don't watch this show and I don't know much about Charlotte but this story really shocked me
She has been the victim of a vicious hate campaign on Twitter which culminated with her attempting suicide on Wednesday
Just before posting this I checked out Charlotte's Twitter and I was gobsmacked by what I read
Literally hundreds, probably thousands of tweets such as 'Do the world a favour and just hang yourself'
'Go put your face in a toaster'
'Hang yourself in front of your friends and watch as they don't care'

Charlotte replied to many of the disgusting tweets and tried admirably to defend herself but it obviously got too much for her and she left a disturbing tweet on Wednesday night simply saying 'You win x'

I am happy to report that after a few days in hospital Charlotte is fine and gave an interview telling her side of the story

Having only been writing this blog for a couple of months, I thankfully have not experienced any hate but I know other bloggers who have
It baffles me why someone would take the time to actively hate on someone else, to write hurtful comments, to stalk and to try and make someone elses life  a misery
These people have far too much time on their hands
And how strange to have the balls to write these comments but be so cowardly they have to do it anonymously

A troll is just another name for a bully and I've met my fair share of those in my time
Apart from my father who bullied each of his children mercilessly, I have been dealing with different versions of the same bully my entire life
My first encounter was as a young child when a boy in my class took it upon himself to try and torment my every waking moment
His favourite taunt was to call me a slut
Bear in mind I was little more than 10 years old and barely knew the meaning of the word
I can still remember crying at night, dreading the next day in school
It didn't occur to me to tell anyone, I was shy and timid
Every night I would cry myself to sleep knowing what was in store the next day
Everyday was a fresh hell
Tellingly the same boy tried to get me to go out with him a couple of years later
I met this boy about 10 years later in a night club
He tried to talk to me and I took great pleasure in giving him an up and down look and walking off
He'll never know how he made my life a living nightmare

My next encounter with bullies was in secondary school
My mother was teaching at another secondary school, a school that had a rough reputation
Everyday walking home from school I crossed paths with a group of girls
Again it wasn't too serious, they called me names and pushed me around
I suppose I was a target because I was a teachers child
I never tried to stand up for myself, I was too afraid, I never knew what these girls were going to do next

As a child it's so confusing to be a target of bullies
You haven't done anything wrong
You haven't provoked this behaviour
So why again and again are we a target
I made up my mind very quickly that there must be something wrong with me
I must be a bad person
I must be weak
I must have done something to deserve this
Why else would I warrant this behaviour
This fed in to my already low self esteem and so started a long career of self hatred
After my second experience of bullying I decided to change my own behaviour
I went from being mild and meek to brash and abrasive in an attempt to avoid bullies
I was loud and obnoxious to try and protect myself
It worked for a while but I couldn't keep up the pretence forever
My natural personality is more quiet than loud and so trying to be this other person was exhausting

In my adult life I have also been bullied
While I was addicted to heroin, my boyfriend at the time and I stayed with his uncle on and off
His uncle was paralysed and in a wheel chair and depended on my boyfriend and I
He used to take pleasure in making lewd comments about me and to me
He withheld  drugs when he knew I was sick
Again I put up with this disgusting behaviour as I had no where else to go and was afraid he'd kick me out

My last experience with bullies was in the work place
It was a few years ago and was my first job after getting clean off drugs
I was (and still am) on a methadone programme and was eager to make a new life
I got a job as a receptionist in a hotel in my town
I was keen to make a good impression and was determined to put my old life behind me
I started work along with another new girl
The girl who was training us in took an instant dislike to me and didn't try to hide it
She was super nice to the other girl while barely acknowledging me
At first I thought I was imagining it
But as time went on I couldn't deny her hostility
She would make jokes and sneer and was generally nasty to me
Being on a methadone programme I used to collect my methadone at the chemist before work and always left the bottle in my bag
One day I went to my bag for something and saw that it had been moved and it looked like someone had been through it
I thought no more about it until the next day when I received a voice mail telling me that my services were no longer needed at the hotel
I was never given an explanation as to why I was let go but I suspect that this girl saw the methadone bottle in my bag and told the management
This shook my confidence to no end and it was a long time before I applied for any more jobs

I was also bullied by a nurse when I was in hospital
But again I played down how much it hurt me and didn't tell the programme director how much it had affected me
I ended up leaving hospital because I couldn't get my head around what this nurse had done
She was in a position of authority and she abused it
I blamed myself as she was nice to everyone else
She is also the reason I have avoided treatment since
This had been one of the hardest to comes to terms with as I was in a very vulnerable place and this so called nurse knew that
She was younger than me and very immature but this does not excuse her behaviour
It was supposed to be a safe place where I could get well but she saw to it that it wasn't
She took over the programme for a week while the other person was on holiday and it was then that I chose to walk
How could I be honest and open up to someone who I knew would just take the piss after the group was over
I've since told my mother how much this truly affected me and I probably should have made more of a fuss at the time but standing up to bullies is not easy especially if you are are already vulnerable
There was also another nurse who was a borderline bully

I often asked myself why?
Why me?
What was I doing that people felt the need to bully me and hate me
You can't get any more personal than to be bullied just for being you
I'm sure Charlotte Dawson asked herself the same question
Bulling, trolling, abusing, call it what you will, does untold damage
If you are like me you probably remember the negative things people have said about you rather than the positives
The names I have been called have been etched in my mind forever
Bullies often target people who are different in some way and then we begin to believe that being different is wrong
As a result of bullying I tried so hard to fit in, to be liked, to be accepted
I repressed any desire to break free and be myself and tried to like everyone else
I remember being a teenager and wanting to dress a certain way
But because I was afraid to be different I went with the crowd and blended in
Now as an adult I see things very differently
Now I can see that it is our differences that make us interesting
Who wants to be a clone of someone else?
I sure don't
It is our quirks and foibles that make us who we are
That make our friends and families love us all the more
As an adult I have embraced different
I dress the way I want
I wear my hair the way I want
I don't give a second thought as to whether someone else will like it or not

So why do bullies and haters feel the need to spread hate?
To be honest I'm not quite sure of the answer to this one
I do however believe that people are the way they are for a reason
Maybe they are insecure
Maybe they have to put someone else down to make themselves feel good
Maybe they are jealous
Maybe they are just nasty people
Who knows?
I feel sorry for them

The internet has spawned a new breed of bullies
The so called trolls
Now they have the added advantage of being able to hate anonymously
Faceless, they can say what they want to who they want
They hide in their bedrooms, behind computer screens and abuse, hate and bully
I'm all for free speech but there is a line and some people just don't know when to stop

The trolls that victimized Charlotte Dawson almost got what they wanted
I hope they think twice before they decide to send death threat to anyone else

I was wondering if any of you have been the victim of a bully, troll or stalker on line
How has it affected you?

The weekend In Photos

My local beach

Copy Cat Banksy Artist In My Town

An Irish Persons Mantra!

My Old Ballet Shoes

You Can't beat a nice cup of tea with your ma!

Lea strutting her stuff on the beach

Lea running to attack Honey

Cooling off in a rock  pool

Quality time with my best girl

Quality time with my other best girl

Working hard!

Cup of tea and a smoke at the end of the day