What do you want?

So 2013 is here
I don't usually like New Years eve but this year I saw in the new year in style watching the fireworks at Sydney harbour bridge
It was truly spectacular



It's a new year
A fresh start
A new beginning
A chance to wipe the slate clean and start over
A chance to make goals and resolutions and a whole twelve months to meet them
Although I didn't make any resolutions as such
I remember a few months ago thinking that I would go in to treatment in the new year and sort myself once and for all
But now that next year is here I am having second thoughts
If I go in to treatment I have to be sure that recovery is what I want and to be honest I'm just not sure
I am so very scared of taking that leap of faith in to recovery
I feel like I can't live with my eating disorder but I also feel like I can't live without it
It's my enemy and so I keep it close
Better the devil you know right?



So whatever you decide to do this new year
Whether you starting a new diet
Or taking a chance on recovery
Maybe you vow to be a better person
Maybe your starting a new job or course
You could be giving up chocolate
Or cigarettes (I should really consider that one!)
You could be taking on a new fitness challenge
Or volunteering
Whatever it is you decide to do this new year I wish you good luck\\
I wish you every health and happiness
This life is short
So very short
We need to pack in as much living as we can
Being here in Sydney reminds me that there is a whole world out there
New countries and cities and towns
New sights and smells and tastes
People from the four corners of the world



There are so many things that I want to do
I want to walk the Camino is Spain
I want to go whale watching in south America
I want to drive down route 66 on the back of a Harley Davidson



I want to go skinny dipping in the middle of the night
I want to see gorillas in Uganda




I want to live hard
Work hard
Play hard
Love hard
I want to go to a full moon party in Thailand



I want to fall  head over heals in love
I want to laugh until I think I'm going to burst
I want to go fishing in Alaska




Watch the brown bears catching salmon in the rivers
I want to share all these experiences with someone special



I want to dance until I can't stand up
I want to kiss until my lips hurt
I want to eat my favourite food when ever I want



I want to feel the full gamut of emotions instead of feeling numb all the time
I want to cry until I can't cry anymore
I want to scream until my lungs burn
I want to feel pure pleasure through my whole body
Scream in ecstacy
I want to be loved



I want to feel desired
I want to feel sexy
I want to know what it feels like to feel comfortable in my own skin
I want to wake up in the morning and not dread the day ahead
I want to like myself



I want to feel comfortable in my own skin
I want to enjoy my body instead of hating every inch of it
I want to look in the mirror and not want to punch my reflection



I want to be free
Free from the demons that plague me
Free from the obsession of food and numbers
Free from self hatred
Free from me




Here's some photos from the last couple of days

Ana's kryptonite

Despite my last couple of posts, I am enjoying myself
I am allowing myself to soak up the sun
To laugh
To goof around with my sister
We get on great
We have the same black sense of humour
We only have to look at each other to know what the other is thinking
I have huge admiration for her
She grew up in a small town in Ireland where being gay was at best a novelty, at worst a crime
She moved to Sydney 12 years ago and made a life for herself here with very little help from anyone else
She has been through her fair share of hard times
She stopped drinking a few years ago after it got out of hand
Now she practises mindfulness and uses buddhist methods to live a better life
She is independent to a fault
She marches to the beat of her own drum
And I love that about her
We laugh all the time
About anything and everything
She is my partner in crime




So 2013 looms
We are going to watch the fireworks tonight
I don't usually make resolutions but I'm thinking about making some this year
Maybe to get out of the house more
To do one thing every day that scares me
To not give in to fear and anxiety
I am hoping and praying that 2013 is a better year
But I guess it's up to me to make sure it is
Let's do it
Let's make next year our year
Let's not be crippled by our eating disorders anymore
Let's fight as best we can
Lest's not waste another year, month, day on this illness
As the ad says we are worth it
Don't we deserve to happy?
To be well
To have peace of mind
To be free of our own personal demons
Don't we deserve to have a better life
At the end of this year I will have clocked up 13 years with anorexia/bulimia
Half my life living in this twilight
Half my life spent ruled by food and numbers
My health compromised
My education abandoned
My sanity elusive
My happiness shattered
My family so very worried and hurt
My friends forgotten
My happiness long gone
How much longer are we prepared to live like this?
This half life
The years go by so quickly now
If I don't do something soon, I never will
I know that you are suffering too
Sacrificing your life to what some call 'ana'
But even though we personify anorexia, it is not a person
It is not a friend
It is a disease
An illness
A monster
A demon of the mind
A poisoner of the body
It is like a parasite that is living off us
That won't give in until we are dead



Her whispers are lies
Her promises are empty
She tells us that her way is the only way to be happy
But believe me her way is a sure fire way to misey
She sucks the life out of us
She is trying to kill us
So please don't listen to her
Don't start off 2013 in her grasp
Fight
Fight for your life
Escaping from her won't be easy but it will be the best thing you ever do
The greatest gift you could possibly give yourself



I know that you feel tired and weary
I know that she had broken you down over time
Crushed your spirit
Killed your ability to resist
But she does have her own kryptonite
If we do the opposite of what she says
If we tell on her
If we eat when she wants us to starve
If we resist when she wants us to purge
If we don't give in to her demands
If we do these things she gets weaker and weaker
We may feel like we are no match for her but we are
In fact we are stronger than her
We just have to believe it
We just have to tap in to it



That negative tape that plays in our heads
We can change it
We can rewind, erase and play a new tape
God knows we have suffered enough
Too much
I for one am so very tired of hating myself
Of beating myself up physically and emotionally
I really can't take much more
I really can't go on like this
I would rather die than live the rest of my life like this
Under anorexia's spell
She has brainwashed us
Groomed us and lured us in
She is an abuser
A bully of the highest order
She won't give up until we are dead
She is evil
She is the devil incarnate



So let's leave her in 2012
Let's not invite her in to 2013
She is not welcome in my life any longer
She has taken too much from me
I'm not willing to lose any more
I can't afford to lose any more
I am hanging on by my fingertips as it is

This is the end of the road for us
I don't need you anymore ana
I choose to be me
I choose to be well
I choose to be happy
I choose life

For you Peri