Exposed

I want to thank everyone who commented on my blog yesterday
Time and time again I am blown away by all your support and love
I've decided to speak at the conference
My mother  is also going to speak so at least we are in it together
Knowing that all of you are behind me makes  it so much easier
Given that it's Eating Disorders Awareness Week I think it's important for the people at this conference to hear what it's really like to live with an eating disorder
I know when I'm at the doctor and even sometimes with Mary, I play down my illness
I give an edited account of what's happening
By coincidence I had written out my story last week
I think I'm going to use it for my talk because I wrote it thinking that no one would read it so it is not censored or edited in any way
It tells the real story of anorexia and bulimia
Not some watered down version
I want people to know the real truth
The things anorexia doesn't want people to know
So I'm going to tell on my eating disorder
I'm going to expose her for the monster she truly is



I can't begin to tell you how nervous I am
Just thinking about it makes my heart beats so hard I can hear it my ears
But I'm going to do it
I'm doing for me
I'm doing it for you
I'm doing it for all eating disorder sufferers who don't have a voice

Wish me luck x

Quick question, I need your help!

There is an eating disorder conference in my town on Thursday
It's an information day for professionals, carers and sufferers
Mary has asked me to speak at it
I have to ring her later and tell whether I will or not
I want to do it but I'm so afraid
What do you think?
Should I do it?
Help!!!!!

Anorexia's origin

I saw Mary on Friday
Bless her, she is trying so very hard to help me
I go to see her week in week out having made precious little progress
I've been seeing her for over a year now and the only thing that's changed is my weight
My eating, my frame of mind and my behaviours are still so disordered
I have great intentions when I am with her
Every week I vow to make a better effort
To try harder
But the minute I walk outside her office all my motivation evaporates
Carried away with the wind
This week she asks me how I would feel about weighing myself at home instead of her weighing me
The thought of this strikes fear in to my heart but I said I would try
So I spent all weekend trying to psych myself up to do it
The thought of weighing myself makes my heart flutter with anxiety
You would think after all these years of being weighed by the professionals that it would get easier
But if anything it gets harder
Those little numbers have so much power over me
The number goes down and I sky rocket in to euphoria
The number goes up and I spiral down in to a black hole of depression
They dictate my mood, my self esteem and my self worth
I hate that
I finally mustered up the courage to weigh on Saturday night
I had a safe number in my head
Anything above that I just couldn't handle
I removed my clothes shivering as the cold air hit my skin
Carefully I stepped on to the scale and held my breath
I peeped out from behind my hands
The number was lower than I thought
Thank freakin' Christ




You've probably noticed that I don't reveal my weight here
I used to when I first started blogging but I stopped
I'm not sure why
Maybe I don't want to be defined by a number
Maybe I'm ashamed of the number
Maybe I don't want to write the number down because then that would make it real



I've been thinking a lot this week about how my eating disorder started
Even though I only became aware of it when I was 19, when I look back I can see that it really started when I was a child
As a child I loved my food
Really loved it
And it wasn't junk food I loved, it was proper food like meat and veg and potatoes
I remember people used to say to me 'Ruby you have such a great appetite, you're such a good eater'
I hated hearing this
It made me feel greedy
I wanted to be a petite, delicate eater
Recently I found a card that I made for my parents when I was about 7 or 8
It said 'Dear mam and dad, thank you for all the lovely dinners you make me, love from Ruby'
I kid you not



As a young teenager I was very active
I was in the local swimming club and also did ballet and jazz
I remember being in ballet class and scrutinizing my body in the mirror
At one point my ballet teacher expressed concern that I was losing too much weight
I was secretly delighted
At 16 I gave up swimming and dancing and started to rebel
I began to dabble in drugs and at 18 became addicted to heroin
Heroin made me really sick and so to make myself feel better I started to make myself throw up
Eureka!
I thought I had found a loophole
A way to eat and not put on weight
It became my new addiction

I lost a lot of weight very quickly while on drugs
But that was to be expected
I remember looking forward to not eating
I used to stay in my boyfriends house while using and then go home to my mothers house for a couple of days to re charge my batteries for another round
There was never any food in my boyfriends house
Every precious penny went on drugs
Drug addicts are skinny for a reason
Food just isn't a priority when you're strung out
If I was down to my last 10 euros you could bet your life that I would spend it on drugs rather than food
When I went home the presses were always full of food
I felt so hungry but so overwhelmed at the prospect of all this food
I didn't know where to start
I was so hungry that I binged
And then the feelings of guilt and greed would kick in
I felt desperately ashamed of the food I had just eaten
I was a glutton
I thought about the other addicts out in my boyfriends house
They had no food and I did
That felt so wrong
I took on the responsibility of feeding these people and used to bring bags of food out to the house
I began to associate food with guilt and shame
I couldn't eat and enjoy food the way I used to



Ever since then my relationship with food has been completely disordered
It ceased to become fuel and became either a reward or a punishment
I long to be feel free to eat what I want without consequence
Will that day ever come?
I hope so
I truly hope so

When did your problems with food begin?

Starved!

Has anyone else seen the sitcom 'Starved'?
It's an American series created by Eric Schaffear that ran for one series a few years ago
I stumbled across it on you tube last week and was intrigued
It's a comedy that follows the lives of 4 people with various eating disorders
Bille, a petite brunette who has anorexia/bulimia
Sam, the main character who is anorexic and also a compulsive over eater
Adam, a buff policeman who is bulimic
And Dan, an over weight over eater



Basically it is a comedy that deals with a serious issue
And it deals with it in a very blunt and graphic way
The first episode opens with Sam fishing chocolate cake out of the bin and eating it
Hands up if you've ever been there?
I know I have
Chocolate cake is Sam's trigger food
He keeps it in his brief case at all times and his secretary keeps it locked in a safe while he's at work
Billie is in recovery although she seems  to be switching from food to alcohol
Adam takes bribes of food from people he arrests and it shows him purging using his truncheon to force the food from his stomach
Dan is on a waiting list for gastric bypass surgery but keeps cancelling his appointment when it comes up



First I have to say that this show is extremely triggering
But that is because it is so true to life
I could identify with every single character
They lie to themselves
Lie to each other
Some are in denial
They all attend a support group called 'The belt tighteners' where they are ridiculed and humiliated by the group leader
Obviously support groups are not really like this of course
But I think it gives an accurate portrayal of what it's like to live with an eating disorder
It does not glamorize it
It does not romanticize it
It shows it as it really is
Sad
Lonely
Disgusting
Messy
Life threatening
Obsessive
Addictive
Compulsive
Insane
All consuming



It really is black humour and I happen to love black humour so this show appealed to me
At first I wasn't sure though
Watching someone purge was almost too close for comfort
Also at first it felt wrong to laugh at this serious subject
But heck, sometimes it's my sense of humour that is the only thing that gets me through the day
I think it's so important to retain the ability to laugh at ourselves
It's something I won't let my eating disorder take away from me
I didn't feel like the show was making fun of people who have eating disorders
I felt it showed eating disorders in all their ugly glory and some of these situations are funny
Other shows that have taken on a serious subject in a comedic way are 'Breaking Bad', 'Weeds' and 'The big C'
It takes great skill to do this
To strike a balance between showing the gravity of the subject and using humour
I have seen other shows and films that just outright make fun of people with eating disorders and that is neither funny or acceptable
But something like this is funny and clever



In Starved I don't think the humour detracts from the seriousness of the issue
It's shows the lengths we go to for food and weight
I myself have found myself in many strange situations due to my eating disorder
I remember a few years ago I was totally addicted to drifter chocolate bars
I literally ate them and little else
I craved them the way I used to crave heroin
I remember my boss at the time gave me a bumper box of 48 bars for my birthday
He knew me well
I ate drifters like they were going out of fashion
And then they did
Suddenly shops stopped stocking them
One day in particular I was looking for them
I didn't drive at the time and I made my mother drive from town to town to find them
I was like a woman possessed
Or obsessed
It wasn't funny at the time but looking back I can laugh at myself
Another time I was eating a certain type of crisps
I used to buy 10-20 bags at a time
I was in a shop where they only had about 5 bags
I asked the shop keeper  if he had any more

'How many are you looking for?'

'As many as you have'

'Oh, are you having a kids birthday party?'

'Eh............ yes yes, a birthday party'

I was too embarrassed to tell the truth so I found myself going in great detail about my 'nephews birthday party'
The lies just rolled off my tongue





So yes, I am able to laugh at my own situation but there is a fine line between laughing with someone and laughing at them
I think with Starved I definitely laughed with the characters
Unfortunately it only ran for one series
I'm not sure why although I can see why some people maybe found it offensive and not watched it
But if anything it would have got people talking about eating disorders and that has to be a good thing
If you do get a chance to watch it I'd love to know what you think
But be warned it is triggering

Winner!

I want to thank everyone who entered the 'Describe you or your life in 6 words' competition
The answers I got were truly beautiful

I'm delighted to announce that the winner is.....

Drum roll please.....

'Desesperee de Maigrir'

Her answer really touched me - 'Big dreams, heavy heart, still trying'

Congratulations to you my dear!

Please  get in touch with me, I think I have your address from the card you sent me but I just want to double check it before I post the prizes

Did you know?

Did you know  that people who are the strongest are usually the most sensitive?



Did you know that people who are the kindest are usually the first to be mistreated?

That those who laugh the loudest are the very ones who are crying on the inside?



Did you know that the people who look after others are the ones that really need to be looked after?

That people who have been through the most hardship are the ones who have the most hope?



Did you know that those who have been to hell truly know what heaven feels like?

That those who have the most fear truly know what courage is?

Did you know that those who have next to nothing really know what gratitude is?




Did you know that those of us with the hardest exterior usually have the softest interior?

That those who talk the most really say nothing at all?

That we can say more with one gesture than we can with a thousand words?

That those who say nothing are the ones that need to be listened to most?













Did you know that even the most beautiful people can be truly ugly on the outside?

That sometimes we need to surrender in order to gain control?

That it's possible to feel lonely even when you're surrounded by people?

 

Did you know that sometimes we have to let the ones we love the most go?

That sometimes the greatest gift we can give someone is telling them no?

That in order to see the light we have to experience the darkness?



Did you know that the greatest gifts our parents can give us are roots and wings?

That we need rules and laws in order to be free?

That sometimes it takes losing ourselves to find out who we truly are?

Did you know that the hardest things to say are 'I love you', 'I'm sorry' and most of all 'Help me'