N

I had an unexpected phone call yesterday
I looked at my phone to see who was calling
And I was delighted to see the name Nicola on the screen
Nicola is a girl that I was in treatment with before Christmas
She had been on the programme about a week before I came in
I remember the first day I saw her
She was pacing up and down the hall
And I thought that she was so very thin
She spoke to everyone she passed
Had a huge smile
I knew immediately that I would like her

As I unpacked my clothes in my new room
She stuck her head in the door
She came in and sat on my bed as we introduced ourselves
I remember giving her a big hug within minutes of meeting her
We became firm friends fast
She was like a breath of fresh air
So friendly
Everyone loved her
It was hard not to

I remember one evening she asked me to straighten her hair
I brought my GHD down to her room
And we chatted as I did her hair
We both agreed her hair looked really good straight
It wasn't until I went to plug out the straightener that I realised that it wasn't even turned on
We laughed and laughed until our sides hurt
The first time I had laughed in ages
Nicola left soon after that
I remember I was heart broken

I answered the phone and it was so good to hear that familiar voice
We picked up exactly where we had left off
I was delighted to hear that she is doing really well
And I was so glad to be able to report to her that I am doing quite well too
We chatted for a while
And are making plans to meet up in the next couple of weeks
I am so looking forward to that

I've met so many girls in treatment over the years
Only very few have I stayed in contact with
But they are have a special place in my heart
In treatment bonds are made very quickly
I guess because having an ED in common means you have a million other things in common
We went through so much together in treatment
We laughed
Cried
Held each other
Walked endless laps of the grounds
Drank copious amounts of tea and coffee
Chain smoked in the dingy little smoking room
But we also competed with each other
To be the thinnest and the sickest
Not every girl is like this
But the majority are
It's not a personal thing
It's part of the disorder
And I think this is the reason that I never did well in treatment
In fact any time I was in treatment
I lost weight
And purged more

It's incredibly difficult to be around other eating disordered girls all day every day
Inevitably you feel like the fattest one there
And that is tough going
I just couldn't let myself gain weight
I couldn't let go of the perceived control that I had
Any time that I have re-gained weight
I have done it from home
I'm sure that treatment does work for some
I've seen it work
But those people had to be incredibly strong
And put their recovery first
The girls that I have seen do well are those that were part of the group
But also very much did their own thing
They didn't get caught up in the politics and drama of the group
And with a group of girls
There is always drama

I'm really looking forward to meeting Nicola
We even talked about doing something nice like a spa treatment
Something to treat ourselves
But of course the elephant in the room (Pardon the pun) is the fact that I am considerably bigger than the last time she saw me
Even though I know she will be nothing but happy for me that I am healthier
I still worry what she will think
I shouldn't worry really
But I wonder what she will think of me
It won't stop me going though
Just try and stop me

3 words

Someone asked me recently if I could describe myself in 3 words
I think those 3 words could change every day but today they would be

1. Stubborn

2. Hyper

3. Grateful

What are  3 words that describe you today?

Let's go to the movies.......

I love films
My whole family love films
We talk about them a lot
Watch a lot of films
So I was thinking what is my all time favourite film
I couldn't narrow it down to just one
So I will go with my top 5
In no particular order........

1. Whatever happened to Baby Jane?
Made in 1962
A psychological thriller starring Bette Davis and Joan Crawford
This is quite a dark film about 2 sisters living together
Who used to be actresses
I first saw this film as a young teenager
And have loved it ever since




2. The Lost Boys
Made in 1987
Directed by Joel Shumacher
Starring  Diane Wiest, Jason Patric, Corey Feldman and Corey Haim
Two brothers who move to a new town are convinced that it is frequented by vampires
Again I first saw this film as a young teenager
I guess you would call it a cult classic
I love films about vampires
And this is one of the best




3. Requiem for a dream
Made in 2000
Directed by Darren Aronofsky
Starring Jared Leto, Ellen Burnstyn and Jennifer Connolly
This is an incredibly dark and harrowing film about addiction and it effects the lives of those addicted and their families
Even though it is a brilliant film, I haven't been able to watch it in a long time as it is just too upsetting




4. Sideways
Made in 2004
Directed by Alexander Payne
Starring Paul Giamatti, Sandra Oh, Thomas Hayden Church and Virginia Madsen
'Two middle aged men, who have not much to show for life, embark on an adventure through California's wine country, just as one is about to walk down the aisle'
This film is hilarious
I've watched it so many time




5. One flew over the cuckoos nest
Made in 1975
Directed by Milos Forman
Starring Jack Nickolson and Louise Fletcher
Nicholson plays McMurphy who is admitted to a psychiatric hospital
A brash rebel, he rallies the other patients to take on the oppressive head nurse
I have seen this film so many times
And it gets better and better every time



Other films that I love are...
The Godfather
Dazed and Confused
The Shining
Gone with the wind
Trainspotting
Rachel getting married
I could go on and on........

I was wondering about you
What is your all time favourite film?
Or your top 5? 

In your dreams

My sleep continues to be a problem
I'm not going to bed at all
And just napping on the couch
It means that I am sleeping during the day
Which also means  that my food is all over the place

I was talking with my sister yesterday
And she asked me if I am having bad dreams
Then it occurred to me that yes, I actually am having bad dreams
Horrible dreams
I have recurring dream that I am using drugs with my ex-boyfriend
And they are very graphic dreams
Where I actually use the drugs
I always wake up in a panic
Thinking that I have used
It's such a relief to realise it was just a dream
I used to have this dream from time to time
But now I have it almost every night
And it's becoming distressing
Maybe this is the reason that I don't want to go to sleep?

I looked up these dream meanings
But the meanings are very subjective
They could mean different things to different people

Recurring dreams points to unresolved issues, negative thinking patterns, unhealthy behaviours or unexpressed emotions in your waking life

Ex partner dreams
To see an ex-partner usually represents a personality trait in yourself based on whatever quality or memory stands out most about that person. Ex-partners are very open symbols that are based completely on your most honest memories and feelings about them. Ask yourself what's the first thing that pops in your head when you think about that person. 

Alternatively, an ex-partner may reflect a bad habit or a failure you're experiencing. They may also represent the return of a recurring problem. If you really don't like your ex they may reflect a negative situation that is repeating itself in your life. Ex's can also reflect the re-experiencing of breakups or unpleasant relationship scenarios. 

Ex-partners can sometimes be a sign that you are unconsciously repeating bad habits or that your falling into the trap of dating someone who is just like your ex. 

If you still have feelings for your ex then they may symbolize your lingering desire for them. They could also represent your desire for something in life you really want, but feel is unattainable. A certain type of experience you want, but feel is not possible. 


I couldn't really find a proper explanation of a drug dream
At least one that made sense to me
But it must mean something
I'm pretty sure that it doesn't mean that I want to use drugs
As I am not thinking about them or craving them
But there is part of me that thinks I may relapse in the future
So maybe that is something

As regards my ex boyfriend
I haven't seen or spoken to him in years
And I have no desire to
Our relationship wasn't a typical one
We were both addicted to drugs
So we weren't doing things like going out for dinner or going to the movies
We bought drugs
And did drugs
And that was about the height of it

So I guess it's up to me to find out the true meaning of this dream
It could be unresolved issues
I know I felt a lot of guilt when I moved away from my old town and boyfriend
I was lucky enough to be starting a new life
And he was stuck in the old one

My addiction was also when  my eating disorder started too
When I was using I stayed in my boyfriends house
There was never a scrap of food in the house
And because we were using 
We never really ate any way
When the drugs ran out
I went home to recharge my batteries
There was lots of lovely food in the house
And I felt so overwhelmed by it all
I also felt so guilty that I had food and my ex-boyfriend didn't
He was also very skinny
And I always felt that I was bigger than him
I really wasn't but I felt like that at the time

I guess what I need to do is sort out all these issues in my head
Talk about them to someone
Or write them down
Get them out of my head
I suppose I do have unresolved issues
And I need to make sense of them
I'm not looking forward to delving in to my past
But if it means that I get these horrible dreams sorted
Then I will do that

I remember when I was in treatment 
There was a sign on the wall that said

'Those who do not examine their past are doomed to repeat it'

It makes sense I think



I was wondering about you
Do you ever experience recurring dreams?
Do you know what your dreams mean?
I'd love to know

Moving on

As I wrote a few posts back
I have put all my 'anorectic' clothes away
I haven't mustered up the courage to give them away
But they are hidden away, gathering dust, at the back of my wardrobe
It was a sad event putting them away
I'm not sure why
Maybe because I saying goodbye to the girl that I was
That scared lonely girl
I'm not that girl anymore
I have taken back control of my life
I am not living life on anorexia's terms
I'm living the life I want to live
I acknowledge my past
But I don't dwell on it
I think about the future
But it doesn't frighten my any more
I happy to live in the now
To be present right at this very moment

Before writing this post
It crossed my mind that it would be lovely to sleep for the day
And I was tempted to take more meds
But as I popping the pills out of the blister pack
I stopped myself
What would this achieve?
I would miss the whole day
And then I would have no meds for tomorrow
So I stuffed them back in
And walked away
If only I could be this sensible all the time

Because I have been re-gaining weight
I have found that the most comfortable clothes are those with an elastic waist band
So I have been wearing a lot of leggings and loose trousers
Yesterday in town I picked up a few bits
Here they are........

White t-shirt (Essential for summer) Dorothy Perkins
Pink, black and white trousers, River Island (So comfortable)

Black, white and orange trousers - River Island

Mint green hoody -  Billabong

Blue and white top - Dorothy Perkins
Blue jeans - G star (Have had  these for years but they rarely fit me so it's nice that they do now, I love them)

Do you have a favourite item of clothing for summer?

As good as it gets

Before I got my teeth done yesterday
I saw Mary
It was another long and challenging session
I am always tempted to cancel
But I went
First of all I was honest with her
And told her that I was finding it difficult to come to therapy
She asked why
I told her I didn't want to have to deal with my issues
I was quite happy being a veritable duck
Calm on serene on the outside
But panicking beneath the surface

Mary asked me identify the things that I was avoiding
That was easy
I know that the thing I should talk about
Is the one thing I don't want to talk about
I identified sleep
Food
And relationships with others
My sleep is a disaster
My food is a bigger disaster
And having issues with my friend is causing me no end of stress

I told Mary that I think this is as well as I am going to get
That I could probably go no further than this in my recovery
She disputed this
She asked me if 6 months ago I would have thought that I could get here
I said no
So she said that I can go further
I can achieve full recovery
I am not sure about this
I'm not sure if I have more in me
Maybe this is as good as it gets for me?
I don't know

I told Mary about saving Honey
She asked me if I could have done that 6 months ago
The honest answer is that I couldn't
I wouldn't have had t he strength
Or the where with all to do that
It's a scary thought
And it shows me how far I have come

I've always thought of recovery from an eating disorder or addiction to that of taming a wild animal
You can train it
You can manage it
 But there always the possibility that it will bite you

So I guess that is the ultimate question for us eating disordered folk
So de we ever fully recover?
I know quite a few people with EDs in real life
Some are still very much struggling
Some are doing ok
And some are doing really well
I guess recovery is different for everyone
It means something different to every recovering person
For me getting my teeth done was a huge mile stone
A major part of recovery
I'm sure that wouldn't be the same for everyone

So what does recovery mean to me?
Well it means that I am as well as I can possibly be at any given time
It means that I don't hate myself any more
And am even starting to like myself
It means that I stop punishing myself
And forgive myself
It means that food is not a mine field
I eat regularly
And purging is kept to a minimum
It means that I am not obsessed with weight and shape
I don't weigh myself all the time
It means that I don't measure my worth is pounds and ounces
That I have peace of mind
It means that I am able to handle life's challenges with resorting to destructive behaviours
It means that I don't shop lift
That I do the right thing even when no one is watching
Recovery means that I  live life
Not just exist in this half life
It means that I can do the things that I want to do
And anxiety and depression don't rule me
Recovery means that I have a small circle of close friends
It means that I am comfortable in my own skin
That I can go anywhere in the world and be happy to be me
It means not worrying my family
Taking care of myself
Physically
Mentally
And spiritually
It means waking up in the morning and looking forward to the day
It means knowing that I am a worth while person
That I know that I deserve recovery
And happiness
And most importantly it means wanting to live

I was wondering about you
Do you think that we ever fully recover?
What does recovery mean to you?

Day 1, New teeth

So today was the day
Step one of getting my new crowns for my teeth
Today I had short term temporary crowns fitted on my upper seven teeth
They will last 2-3 months
When they will be replaced by long term temporary crowns
These will last 7-8 months
After that the permanent crowns will be fitted
It's a long and expensive process
But my family and I agree that it will be worth
For my confidence and self esteem alone

My appointment was at 2pm today
I was so excited
But I completely underestimated what a long and uncomfortable process it would be
First impressions were taken of my teeth
Then my teeth had to be filed down
Until they were little more than stumps
This took almost an hour
And I got such a fright when I put my hand to my teeth
There were just shards of my teeth left
There was no going back now
Then the crowns were shaped to fit my teeth
This took another solid hour
All in all the process took two and a half hours
With only one short toilet break
I am pretty pleased with the result
I now feel that I can smile without feeling self conscious
And this is an important step in my recovery

Of course now it is my responsibility to look after them
I need to cut down my smoking
And tea drinking
And of course purging
I think having nice teeth is incentive enough

Anyway
On to the photos

Before (At home)

This is what years of bulimia does

After

Smiling confidentially for the first time in years