Supporting someone with an eating disorder can be a bit of a mine field
What do you say?
What do you not say?
It's incredibly difficult to watch someone you love spiral out of control
I find that people are so uncertain what to say
Some people are very blunt
And ask lots of inappropriate questions
And some people just avoid the subject
And pretend it isn't there
Neither of these ways is very helpful
Although I would prefer someone asked me straight out
Rather than pretend that the problem isn't there
From my experience
Here are somethings that you shouldn't say to someone with an eating disorder
Don't tell someone they are too fat to have an ED
How ignorant can you get?
EDs are not about food, weight or shape
A person with an ED genuinely hates themselves
And doesn't need someone adding to that
Eating disorders come in all shaped and sizes
From emaciated to obese
And everything in between
Don't talk about weight/comment on the persons appearance
I know people mean well
I really do
But don't tell a person with an ED that they look really well
Or really healthy
The person will most likely assume that you think they are fat
At the same time, don't comment that someone is very thin
This can reinforce someone's ED
I know people want to acknowledge it if someone is on the road to recovery
But I think all comments about appearance should be avoided until the person is fully recovered and
can handle such comments
Don't tell someone that they don't look sick
Eating disorders can be invisible
Just like depression
Don't assume someone isn't sick because they don't look sick
Don't assume that someone is ok because they look ok
This is a mistake that so many people make
They assume that because someone has gained weight and looks healthy
Then they must be healthy and recovered
Ed's are not about food and weight
They are about low self esteem, low confidence, fear and anxiety
If someone has gained weight
Please bear in mind that their own mind and thoughts may still be eating disordered
Recently I've had to deal with a lot comments on my appearance
That I look really healthy
Everytime I have to give myself a pep talk
That people want to be kind
They want to acknowledge my recovery
It's still hard to hear though
Don't comment on the persons food
If the person is eating in front of others, this takes immense courage
Please don't comment on what they are eating
How much or how little they are eating
Or what they are eating
This can be very damaging and triggering
And may discourage the person from eating in public again
Don't make the person feel guilty about eating
Please don't plead/threaten/or guilt the person in to eating
The person will already feel enough guilt about their ED
And doesn't need anyone else adding to it
Don't criticize others weight/food choices
If the person with an ED hears you comment on others weight of food choices
They may bring it back to themselves
Or compare themselves
It could reinforce the fact that their own choices are not perfect
This can also be triggering
I know when someone makes a comment about my own food choices
I immediately feel guilty
Like I shouldn't be eating it
Don't talk about food being 'healthy' or 'unhealthy'
The person with an ED will inevitably have had a list of safe and unsafe foods
One of their goals in recovery will be to not put food in categories
Food is food
There is no good or bad
Don't ask for diet advice or say things like I wish that I had your willpower'
EDs are not about willpower
They are about fear and self loathing
They are not on a diet
And this is not a lifestyle choice
People with EDs are very unwell
It is an illness
Not a choice
I remember when I was working in a hotel a few years ago
A woman asked me how I kept so slim
I was honest with her
And told her that my diet was not healthy
And it was not something she should emulate
Don't joke about eating disorders
It's not funny
It's our lives
No numbers!
Please don't mention numbers to someone with an ED
As in weights
Clothes sizes
Calories etc
It will drive them mad
And they will inevitably compare themselves
Numbers are best avoided!
But you eat.......
Yes of course I eat
If I didn't I would be dead quite quickly
Contrary to popular belief
People with eating disorders do eat
Of course they do!
It's very disordered eating
But they do eat
Just snap out of it!
Just snap out of it?
This is like telling someone with a broken leg to just get up and walk
Ri.
Dic.
U.
Lous.
Oh I had a friend who was so ill. She got down to XXpounds and was in hospital for months
Please don't tell us about your friend who was so very ill
We are competitive
And will inevitably compare our weight and ourselves to that person
We will think to ourselves that she was really sick
And we are just frauds
And not really sick at all
When you define yourself by your weight
Any one with a lower weight is doing it better
Some really silly things that people have said to me over the years
You don't look like you have an eating disorder
Aren't anorectics skinnier?
Are you doing this for attention
You're not that bad ( A nurse in hospital)
You're a bad person for doing this
You're always eating
You eat so unhealthy
Have you lost/gained weight?
You look so healthy!
You're so slim, you're so lucky
What silly things have been said to you?
