Because we're worth it......

If there is one thing that I've learned
Is that people do the things they do for a reason
And are they way they are for a reason
Because of nature
Or nurture
Environment
Circumstances
Whatever the reason
People are the way they are for a reason

I suffered with my ED for a long time before I was even aware of it
I wasn't trying to lose weight
I wasn't trying to restrict
But I couldn't stop myself using these behaviours
Even though it made no sense
Even though I knew I was headed for destruction
I couldn't stop

I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 19 years old
It changed everything
I became super aware of my weight
Because the number seemed important to the professionals
So it became important to me
I had been given the label of 'Anorectic'
And I felt that I had to live up to it

I remember the day that I left school
I had been waiting for that day for so long
I could hardly wait for the last day of my exams to come
I remember walking out the school gates that day
What an anti climax
I thought I would be overjoyed with the freedom I had
But instead I felt scared
What would I do now?
Where would I go?
How would I manage out in the big bad world
I thought that I would go travelling
And told everyone so
But 14 years later
I still haven't gone

A couple of years later
I applied to college
And started the course
But my addiction quickly got in the way
And I dropped out
I was a lost soul
Wandering aimlessly through life
I took jobs here that there
But couldn't commit to anything

My eating disorder became a career of sorts
It became my job
I worked hard all week restricting and exercising
And expected a big fat pay che at the end of the week
In the form of weight loss
I was dedicated to my ED
It came first
Before everything and everyone
But above all
It was something that I was good at
Some thing to excel at
It fed that desire in me to feel special
To be better than others at something
I didn't have a college degree
I didn't have a career
My ED was my everything

But of course
Being good at self destruction is not something to brag about
I almost killed myself
And broke my families heart
Now that I am coming out the other side of my ED
I am trying to find other things that I am good at
Something to feed that need to excel at something
The great thing is that everyone is good at something
And not just one thing
Usually a person has many talents
Over the last few months
I have found that writing is something that I truly love
And I feel quite confident writing
I also rediscovered my love of swimming
And yoga
And I am not half bad at them
I have found that I am actually a people person
I like to be around people
I like to laugh and have fun
And I am blessed to have some amazing people in my life

So yes
People are the way they are for a reason
I am the way I am because of my experiences
I am finally realizing that I am not a bad person
I never was
I was a very ill person
There is a huge difference
I am finally seeing that there is more to me than my weight
I am more than a clothes size
Or a number on a scale
I have never felt so stable
And that is quite miraculous
I am ever grateful for the people around me
Who have carried me over the last 15 years
Without them I would most definitely not be here
In one piece

As you know
Things are not perfect here in my little world
But I am doing my best
To stay well
To mind myself
To feed myself
To take care of myself
Because I am worth it
And you are too

Over to you........

So I've been thinking
This blog gets quite a lot of hits every day
Between 500 - 800 every day
And only a very small percentage of these actually leave a comment
I know quite a few of you that read and comment
But there must be so many that I don't know
You all know so much about me
I don't censor my blog in any way
I write like no one is reading
But I would like to know about you
What's your name?
Where are you from?
How long have you been reading?
How did you find this blog?

I would love to know some tid bits of information about you
Anything at all
What you look like
If you have an eating disorder or some other mental health issue
Do you have any pets?
Do you work?
What age are you?

So today I invite you to get in touch
I would really love to hear from you
Whether you have read from the start
Or if you are a new reader
Maybe you drop by from time to time
Maybe you've never commented before
Maybe you don't like me or my blog
Maybe you are going through similar things to me
Maybe you are in recovery
Maybe not
Maybe you can relate
Who ever you are
Where ever you are from
Do let me know
I am always curious as to who reads this blog
And comments truly make my day
It blows my mind that people all around the world read my words and leave messages of hope and love
I'll look forward to hearing from you
Over to you............

Press the button?

I was reading Rebecca's last post
She posed a question that Stephen Fry posed in his documentary about bipolar disorder

If there was a big red button in front of you that would take it all away (Ie mental illness, eating disorder, addiction) and make you 'normal', would you press it?

I think this is a really thought provoking question
And I have thought a lot about this over years
I've been angry and resentful about my situation
I've been jealous of others who seem to sail through life
I've been depressed about the fact that I am not and  never will be 'normal'
But being me hasn't been all bad
I've had some amazing experiences because of my illness and addiction
And I've met the most awesome people along the way
I've learned so much
I've become a better and more empathetic person
I am the person I am today because of the experiences that have shaped me
It is a burden though
Having both an addiction and an ED to deal with
And part of me would love to be ED and addiction free
But they are part of who I am
Some may call them flaws
Or character defects
But I think they make up the person that I am
However if I could I would take away the pain it has caused my family over the years
But to answer the question
No
I wouldn't press the button

Would you press the button?

Thin

Ok
So I know that I am banging on and on about my weight re-gain
But please bear with me
It's a massive step for me (Literally!)
And it's taking a lot of time
And a lot of patience to come to terms with it
To make myself feel a bit better about things
I am swimming 5 mornings a week
Although this week has only been 3 because I am, not well
I also walk my dogs every day
So I am getting regular exercise
My sister told me that she thought that I looked more toned recently
I was delighted to hear this
As that is the look I am going
Healthy, fit and toned is the order of the day

I was really active when I was young
I used to swim before school
Then attended dance class after school
I was always on the go
I don't think it was so much about being fit
I just really enjoyed those hobbies
Although I promptly quit when I started to rebel as a teenager

Being skinny was always on my radar
Being on show at swimming and at dance
I was conscious of keeping slim
I remember someone told me once that if I gave up dancing
My muscles would turn to fat
That terrified me
They were wrong though
They didn't

Then of course came the drug years
So I was scarily skinny for those
My ED overlapped here
I just wasn't aware of it
It was news to me when I nurse sat me down one day
And told me that I had anorexia
I remember that nurse
Her name was Anna
And I affectionately nick-named her Anna-conda
I wouldn't listen to her
I couldn't take it in
I couldn't deal with the fact that I had both a drug addiction and now an ED to deal with
I vehemently denied that I was eating disordered
Even though I wasn't eating
Even though I was purging
And hiding food
I still couldn't admit to  it

Time passed
Years in fact
And finally I gave in an admitted I had an ED
When I got clean it was harder to stay thin
It took a lot more work
But I almost felt that I had to be thin
Because I had been given the title of 'Anorectic'
And I had to live up to that title

Over the next few years
I gained and lost the same 30 pounds over and over again
I've been every size
And every weight under the sun
That's why I have an array of clothes in every size known to man

The cruel thing about this illness
Is that we never get to enjoy the one thing we crave the most
Thin
Because we never believe that we are thin enough
At my  lowest weight
I weighed the same as my golden retriever
I still thought that I was fat

The weight gain this time happened very fast
I was gaining a kilo a week
It was happening faster than I could process it
And at first I felt so out of control
It was scary
Now I am there
I am weight restored
I am of a healthy weight
This is what I had been fighting for so long
And you know what?
It's not as bad as I thought it would be

Of course weight gain is not the only change
Something in my brain has shifted too
Otherwise I would be an anorectic in a healthy body
Which is pure torture
I decided to try recovery
Test the waters
And so far so good
I feel good
And that my friends is a freakin' revelation

I'm not fighting my body any more
I am accepting it
And trying to like and even love it
It's not easy
I have days where I want to unzip my skin and step out of it
I have days when I ask anyone who will listen over and over again if I am fat
I have days when I can't find s single item of clothing that looks good
I have days when I feel like a baby elephant
But on the whole
Life is good
I feel good
I have peace of mind
I feel something approaching happiness
And if weight gain is the price I have to pay
Then I am willing to pay it

Favourite food

As you know
My sister came home from Australia a couple of months ago
And apart from being an all round awesome person
And my partner in crime
She is also an amazing cook
I shit you not
She really is brilliant with food
So since she's been home
We have all been eating like queens
Every weekend we do up a meal plan
On the white board we bought especially for this
We decide what we are going to eat that week
And so we know what shopping to get

I happen to love my food
Yes, it's true
Contrary to popular belief
People with eating disorders do like food
Love it even
So I really have been spoiled with all the beautiful and yummy food my sister has been making

Some of those meals were -
Spaghetti bolognese  (And not just your standard spag bol, this one is truly delicious!)
Home made fish cakes
Home made soup
Chicken chasseur
Beef bourguignon (My favourite)
Beef stir fry
Stew
Chilli con carne
And loads more lovely food

Because I gave up smoking
My taste buds seem to have improved a lot
I can taste my food a lot more
And I enjoy it a lot more
My diet still isn't perfect
And the purging is still there
To all intents and purposes
I am still very much bulimic
Some might say that I am not even in recovery
But this is as good as it gets for me right now
Maybe when I get a bit stronger
I will feel more able to deal with it
But for now
I am doing my best

Anyway
I am getting off the point here
I was trying to identify what my favourite food is
I think it would be a tie between spaghetti bolognese
And beef bourguignon
I could eat them all day
Every day
And if I was ever stuck on a desert island
And had to pick one food to eat for the rest of my life
I think I would pick ham salad sandwiches
I can't stress enough how much I love sandwiches
Remember Joey from Friends?
Well, I love sandwiches almost as much as him
There is nothing better than a seed sprinkled crusty roll
Thick pink slices of ham
Iceberg lettuce
And plump tomatoes
You really can't beat it








I was wondering about you
What is your favourite food?
If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life
What would it be?

Clothes Post

I am slowly introducing new clothes in to my wardrobe
As most of my clothes are in teeny tiny sizes
So I do need a lot of new ones
Here's my haul for this week.....

Black Hoody - Superdry
Boyfriend jeans - River Island

Black and fawn jersey top - Wallis
Fawn chinos - River Island

Anxiety

I wanted to write about anxiety today
As something I have noticed that has improved recently is my anxiety
I can trace my anxiety back to when  I was a  teenager
I was bullied by girls from another school
And after school I was always anxious that I would run in to them
I also used to get anxious for no reason at all
I could be sitting in class
And all of a sudden I would get this horrible feeling
Like a wave of fear and anxiety washed over me
It was like having an out of body experience
And was very scary
It never occurred to me to tell anyone though
I thought people would think I was mas if I told them

The next few years were taken up with drug use
So I can't tell you if I was anxious then or not
But after I got clean
Anxiety creeped back in to my life
Around crowds of people
Around new people
Even around my some of my own family
It was a horrible feeling
If I had something coming up
Like a family gathering or event
I would start worrying weeks before the event
I would imagine all the things that could go wrong
All the stupid things I would say
And do
The anxiety of that would keep me in a constant state of worry and fear
I always projected in the future
And imagined the worst possible outcome
My anxiety usually was at it's height when I was anticipating an event
And usually the event wasn't as bad as I thought it would be

Despite my anxiety
I managed to live my life
It got in the way
But it didn't take over
Then when my ED got out of control
My anxiety really kicked in
It peaked when I was at my lowest weight
It seemed that the thinner I got
The more anxious I became
I'm sure there is a reason why the two are connected
Although I'm not sure what that is
I used to go to NA and AA meeting
And my anxiety went through the roof
They read out readings at the start of each meeting
And I remember praying that I wouldn't be asked to read one out
My anxiety actually had physical effects
My throat would get dry
My mouth would twitch
And my whole body would shake
It was truly horrible

When I first went in to hospital in 2007
They put me on olanzapine to help with my anxiety
I am now on 12.5mg a day
Does it help?
Well, kinda
Sort of
I dread to think what I would be like without it

At the beginning of this year
My anxiety began to take over
I came out of hospital in February
And continued to spiral downwards
I was in a constant state of anxiety
So much so that I rarely left the house
And only did so in the early morning to do my errands
I really felt like I was losing the plot
I remember going to my mother one morning
I told her that I needed to go in to hospital because I was going mad
I truly felt like I was

My anxiety kept me in a state of constant worry
If I was in the house
I would worry that someone would call to the house unexpectedly
And I will admit to hiding behind the couch on several occasions after the door bell rang
Also if my phone rang
I couldn't answer it
I was always afraid of who would be ringing me
What would they want?
For me, anxiety ha always been the fear that I won't be able to handle what life throws at me
That I will crumble
And fall
That I won't have the common sense or the strength to deal with life and its hurdles
I guess it stems from having low self confidence and low self esteem
If you feel capable and able
Then you have no reason to feel anxious
But if you don't
Then everything is a challenge

Now that I have gained weight
My anxiety has improved beyond belief
I didn't realize how anxious I actually was until I started to feel better
Now I feel a lot more stable and able to deal with life
So I don't have reason to get anxious
Obviously I still get some anxiety
But nothing like the way it was
It's one of the main things that I think about when I think I want to lose weight again
I think about the anxiety I used to experience
And I never want to go back there

In general
I am an anxious person
So I guess I will always have to deal with a certain amount of anxiety
And that's ok
That's life
I now know that I am a capable human being
And I can manage what ever life throws at me

There are a couple of different ways  that I manage anxiety
Deep breathing can be really helpful to calm the mind and body
Mindfulness
Meditation
One thing that I do when I feel anxious
Is tell myself over and over again that everything is ok
And I am ok
Or at least I will be



I was wondering about you
Do you suffer from anxiety?
What do you do to deal with it?