Night out!

As you may know

I don't tend to venture out at night

I don't frequent pubs and clubs

The only reason I would be out after dark would be to go to the theatre or cinema

Now that it is winter

I am usually in my pyjamas by 6pm

But last night 

Eight of my family went out for dinner

You might remember a few months ago

We got the news that my brother was offered a two book deal with Picador

We didn't see him or his partner over Christmas 

So they came here yesterday for the weekend

And we all went out last night for dinner

We booked the meal in a lovely little restaurant in the next village

To be honest 

I don't particularly like going out for dinner

It's not my first choice of fun things to do 

Because for me

Being  bulimic 

It's just a total waste of money

But anyway 

Back to last night 

We all dressed up a little 

I wore a denim pinafore dress 

With a stripe the top

And grey tights 

I also wore a pair of heels which I rarely do

We set off at about 7 30pm

To sit down for dinner at 8 pm

The restaurant itself was lovely 

Small

But perfectly formed 

Cosy 

Nice music 

And friendly staff

We settled at our table for eight

And began to look over the menus 

It was decided that we would have three courses 

Which sounded like a marathon to me

But I decided to do my best 

I ordered the asparagus and courgette soup for starter

The quail with champ and wild mushrooms for mains 

And the ice cream and a cup of tea for dessert

First 

An amuse bouche was served

A tiny shot of soup in a delicate little cup

It was delicious 

And did the trick to whet our appetite 

The came the starter which was lovely 

Followed by the main

I was just finishing my quail

When my mother called me 

I followed her gaze 

And found myself looking at my doctor 

I don't know why 

But I felt a little bit uncomfortable 

It's not the first time I've met him out and about 

And of course it's a small community

Do I am bound to run in to him somewhere 

He was just finishing his meal

And waved as he went up to pay

I de used to take the opportunity to go to the bathroom

When I came back 

He was still there

Then as he was leaving 

He tipped me on the shoulder and said goodbye 

I though that was really nice of him

And just goes to show what a decent person he is 

I relaxed a little after he left

But I wasn't myself anyway 

I was a bit quiet and withdrawn

But I did my best to stay in good form 

We were celebrating after all

And we don't often have good news like this

After dessert 

We all had teas and coffee

And started to get ready to leave

It was an expensive night out 

But again

We don't do it very often 

At me point in the night

I got a bit paranoid 

And thought my sister and my nephew were laughing at me 

They always mess when they get together 

But for some reason 

Probably because I was feeling a bit low

I thought they were making fun of me

By the end of the night 

I was fighting back tears 

And as soon as we got home I went straight to bed 

And had a proper cry

My sister came down to me

And I told her why I was upset

She said there was no way they were laughing at me

I believe her

But I still felt really tearful 

woke up feeling a lot better

I guess this is another side of my illness

Paranoia 

And thinking people are making fun of me 

Or laughing at me 

It's a horrible feeling 

To think that people would deliberately make me feel excluded like that 

I guess I am hyper sensitive 

And sometimes my feelings are warranted 

Sometimes not

But it's an amazing how a good nights sleep can make you feel better 

And able to see things clearly 

My Dad was down for the meal too

We went out this morning with the dogs 

And he gave me a rather stern talking to

He noticed my weight loss 

He would as he only sees me every few weeks 

He expressed concern 

And pleaded with me not to lose anymore weight 

He said he couldn't face seeing me like a 'bag of bones' like I was before  

I hate worrying my family 

And I guess it's down to me not to mAke them worried 

But

Somewhere 

Deep in my ED brain

My illness got a sick kick out of knowing that I've lost weight 

How twisted is that 

It makes me feel so guilty that I feel that way 

But I feel I have to be honest 

I hold on to my ED behaviours

Because they serve a purpose

It was the same with drugs or smoking 

At first 

There is a payoff for the behaviours 

With drugs it's the rush

The escape 

With smoking it's the calming and relaxing effect

But there comes a point 

When the negative consequences begin to our weight the positive

With my ED 

It's a stress reliever 

Anxiety reliever 

It's also an escape 

And boiling things down to weight 

Gives me something to focus on other than my issues

So 

I quit drugs

Gave up smoking 

Now food is my only vice 

And it's proving the trickiest to deal with

I have homework from Mary this week

And one of those items is to go to a meeting 

I've decided to go to the Tuesday lunch time meeting 

I also have to not purge as much as possible 

Eat three meals and two snacks 

I can't lie 

It's a lot to ask 

And I feel a bit overwhelmed 

But 

As ever 

It's one step at a time 

Friday 22 January

I finally got around to implementing my New Years resolution this week

And gave some money to my mum to save for me

I could save it myself 

But then I run the risk of temptation when I feel the urge to spend 

I'm really not all that good with money

At least up until now I haven't been

I remember when I went to the meetings

I heard several speak about their shopping addiction

I can relate to that 

The urge to spend 

The impulse to buy that skirt you just have to have

The feeling that my life would be complete if I had that pair of jeans

I'm trying save €30 a week

Plus money towards house keeping

It makes me feel good to contribute

And it's only fair seeing as I share this house too

It's a good life lesson

If I ever move out on my own 

I need to know how to budget my money 

And if it's a choice between buying food for the week or a pair of jeans 

I need to be able to make the right choice 

Because that's what responsible adults do

Right?

In other news

We have more visitors this week

My Dad is coming for the weekend 

As are my brother and his partner 

We are all going out for dinner tonight 

To celebrate my brothers book deal 

It's so great to have good news for a change 

For so long 

My family pin-balled from one crisis to another

There was always something 

Always drama 

Confrontation 

Tears and fights 

For so long 

We were falling apart

Crumbling 

We were horrid to each other

But now 

Well now things couldn't be more different 

Addiction is a thing of the past 

We get on now 

We actually like each other now  

We care about each other's well being now 

And that my friends

Is a friggin revelation 

I'm hoping to hear about the job soon

The closing date for applications was Wednesday 

The manager told me that they would go through them yesterday 

It might be early days to expect to hear from them today

But certainly by Monday or Tuesday 

I hope to find out that I've been called for an interview 

They are not calling everyone for interview 

But I really hope to be

Because I'd love the chance to make a case for myself in person

I want to show them that I am enthusiastic and motivated 

That I'm friendly 

Patient 

And wiling to learn

I'm probably getting my hopes up way too high 

But I can't help it 

I can't help getting excited at the prospect of being part of the working world 

Living life 

Being independent 

Taking care of my own stuff

And generally being a functioning member of society

I just want to be productive 

I wany to feel like I am worthwhile and valuable 

And have something to offer 

I feel like I could really do this job

And in fact

It wouldn't even be like a job

As I know I would enjoy the work 

Three evenings a week

From 4pm - 10pm is so manageable for me 

When I worked in the pizzeria

I was on the same hours  there 

And that suited me just fine 

So 

Here I am 

Hoping and praying 

I just want to know either way

As ever I will keep you posted....

Thursday 21 January

I saw Mary this afternoon

I didn't get to see her last week due to the bad weather we've been having

So I was really looking forward to seeing her this week 

I followed her up the stairs to the office

And settled in my usual seat

The first thing she asked me was if I am weighing myself 

I told her that I don't think my scales is working 

As it gives me a different number every time I stand on it 

I spyed Mary's scales in the corner of the room

So I knew what was coming next

She gently asked me if I minded being weighed 

I didn't 

So I removed my coat and boots 

And tentatively stepped on to the scales 

I looked at the number 

Which is out of character for me

But I was really curious to know what my weight was 

We worked out that I've lost ten kilos since I was discharged from therapy

It wasn't a shock 

I know my weight has been dropping 

And I really get no joy out of that 

Maybe at one point in my life 

The numbers mattered 

But not so much any more 

Of course 

The ED part of my brain gets a sick kick out of the loss

But I don't have the visceral reaction I used to when I see the number 

Which is a relief 

After that 

We moved on to discuss other matters 

We talked about my purging 

And how I'm going to have to get on top of it 

We made a list of things for me to do this week

Which includes 

Making a meal plan 

Three meals and two snacks 

Go to a meeting 

Keep a food diary 

No weighing 

And have a back up plan of the job doesn't work out 

Mary has such faith in me

She tells me that I am not realising my potential 

And it would be such a waste if I didn't find something to do that I love

She talked about the conference that I spoke at a couple of years ago

And that the response she got afterwards was over whelming

That was so lovely to hear 

As speaking at that conference meant so much to me 

I had the chance to speak in front of a room full of medical professionals, family members and sufferers

I felt like I was speaking for our whole community 

And I wanted to do you all proud 

It was one of the scariest things I have ever done 

But it was also one of the most worthwhile things I have ever done 

Explaining an ED to someone with no experience of one is pretty difficult 

Because it makes no sense 

Even to the sufferer 

But I did my best 

And that's all I can do 

Mary and I spoke for another while 

About having things to do

And also about self care 

Which is something that Breda also speaks about

Looking after myself 

Doing things for me 

Things I enjoy

I guess I don't do a lot of that 

I used to swim in the mornings 

Got to meetings 

Meet friends 

Go in to town 

I used to do reflexology 

Or get my eye brows done 

Lately 

I've been letting all that slip 

I was telling Mary

That if I'm home alone 

I don't cook

I don't light a fire 

Don't even turn on the heat

Why?

Because it's just me 

And it would just be a waste 

In other words 

I don't deserve it

And that speaks volumes me thinks 

I look at my Mum

She has a nice life carved out for herself 

Lots of friends 

Hobbies 

Like book clubs

And she recently became a Samaritan 

Where she will be working on a helpline 

She always has something to do

Some where to be

Someone to meet

So I can take my cue from her

Follow her example 

As she really is an amazing role model 

So

I have a busy week ahead of me

I have two appointments with Mary next week

Just until I am back on track

I need to focus on my food

Plan 

Shop

Prepare 

Have everything to hand 

So it's not a chore 

I told Mary that I struggle with portion sizes 

I either give myself too much or not enough

And if I am going to purge

I definitely overeat to the point where it is uncomfortable 

I love my food

And I don't want to feel deprived 

I do need to get my food and eating under control 

Because my normal is under or over eating 

My normal is heading to the bathroom when I'm finished my food and sticking two fingers down my throat

And throwing up until I taste bile

My normal is feeling dizzy when I stand up

It's spending €50 at a time on food 

And eating it all in the space of 24 hours

My normal is not having a bowel movement for weeks on end 

It's feeling so out of control where food is concerned, that I fear for my health and my sanity

My normal is standing the scales every morning 

And measuring my self worth from the number I see

My normal is feeling my heart flutter on my chest 

Like it might give out at any minute 

This is my normal

This is my life 

This is what I deal with all day, every day

Because my ED does not take holidays 

Or days off 

My ED has endless energy

And I am often worn out long before it is 

Because the truth is 

I am running off of the fumes of recovery right now 

This relapse has really knocked the wind out of me 

And I am clawing my way back 

They say that first time recovery is a gift

The second time you work for it

And the third 

And the fourth 

I told Mary about the job I applied for 

She thought it was great news

But emphasised that I need a back up plan just in case it doesn't work out

This is good advice I think 

And something I need to be prepared for 

The closing date for applications was yesterday

So they will be going through them today

And hopefully I will hear something tomorrow or Monday

I can't help but be excited about it

But I know not to allow myself to be too hopeful 

Anyway

We'll see soon enough 

Marry gave me two appointments for next week

Just for a bit of extra support

Which I will gladly accept 

Let's hope this is the start of my turning things around 

Let's hope I can bounce back yet again

Happily ever after?

So

Now that I am feeling a bit better

Mentally and physically

My ED may be playing havoc

But 

I am human

My thoughts have once again turned to love

You might recall the date I had last summer

My first and only date in years

It didn't end in happily ever after

But thats ok

It was good experience

And still

I continue to believe that there will be a happy ending for me

Love wise

I'm a big believer in love and romance

Nothing excites me more

Than reading or hearing about a great love story 

I don't believe there is one person out there for us all

I believe there are many that could potentially be our perfect match

And even in my darkest hour 

I always believed I would fall in love at some stage 

I don't really think I've ever been properly in love

My first boyfriend was puppy love 

My next relationship was drug fuelled

Love had nothing to do with it 

Since then I've had a couple of short term relationships 

But no

I don't think I've ever truly been in love

I don't know what that feels Like 

Or looks like 

But I do believe that I will know it when I see it

And I believe it will happen for me

Sooner or later

There is someone 

Someone I've had my eye on

I've seen him a few times in the garage where I get my petrol and car repaired

I know his first name 

As I heard someone calling him one day 

But for now 

I will call him The bearded one

As he has a beard

I'm starting to see that I like a beard in a guy 

As long as it's well kept and neat

Anyway

I don't know this guy 

Don't know anything about him

I'm just going on basic human attraction

And the feeling I get from him

The last time I bumped in to him

I could sense him looking at me 

So I'm hoping he has checked me out too

Right 

This is my dilemma 

I get such a good feeling from this guy 

I like the 'gate' of him as my sister would say 

Meaning you like the look of him

So 

Should I be a modern woman 

Be proactive and ask the guys in the garage for his number?

Take a leap of faith 

And make the first move

Or should I frequent the garage every day in the hopes I run in to him?

Or do I leave my number in the garage for him?

And let him do the work

I don't know you guys

I am so rusty and out of practise with things like this 

But a huge part of me thinks I should just go for it

I mean 

What's the worst thing that could happen?

He could say no

And my ego would be bruised

But at least I would know that I gave it a shot 

And won't be wondering what if, For the rest of my life

Because 

The truth is 

That I would love to meet someone

To share a life with 

For company 

Some one to do things with 

Someone to love 

And who loves me

I think it would be great for me

As it can he lonely being 34 and having no one to share things with 

I would love to have another body

Another pulse 

Another heart beat 

So I know I'm not alone 

And I don't have to face life by myself 

I guess because I don't drink

Or frequent pubs or clubs

It's a little harder to meet like minded people 

There is online dating 

And I haven't really given that a fair shot 

So that is something to consider 

But I would love to meet some one the old fashioned way 

Call me a hopeless romantic...

I guess also 

I was ill for so long 

That a relationship wasn't even on my radar 

It isn't even an option when you are too busy trying to kill your self 

And I didnt want to drag any body in to my world of shit

But now 

Even though my ED is in a precarious state 

I think I need to continue to live as normal  a life as possible

And who doesn't love a good love story?

So 

Friends 

Here's where I need your help 

You are my girls 

My besties 

And I value your opinion greatly 

What do you think I should do?

Take control of the situation

And ask about this guy in the garage?

Wait until I run in to him again?

Let nature take its course?

Or leave well enough alone?

Maybe you have another idea

Something I haven't thought of 

Whatever you think 

I would love to know

How I wish I could invite you all round to mine

And we could chat over hot cups of tea and scones 

And put the world to right 

But really 

Let me know what you think

I'd love to know....

ED Update

Things are tough over here in ED central

The purging has well and truly wormed it's way back in to my life

Especially in the evenings

And when I am on my own

In the evenings

My family usually gathers in the living room

I use that opportunity to eat in the kitchen

And purge

When I was first put on Prozac

It really helped with my bingeing

And I managed to reduce my purging to a couple of times a week 

That stayed that way for about a year

But a couple of months ago

My purging gradually started to increase again

Why?

I can't answer that 

I really don't know why 

Now I'm back to purging up to ten times a day

Take yesterday for example 

My mum and sister drove my Auntie B to the airport 

And I was alone at home for a few hours 

I started off with soup

And two slices of bread and butter

Purge 

Then a ham salad 

With lettuce

Spring onion

Potato salad 

And coleslaw 

Purge 

Then I had noodles 

Purge 

Pasta 

Purge 

Tune sandwich 

Purge 

And the day just continued like that 

Literally walking in circles 

From the kitchen to the bathroom

Over and over again 

Like a women possessed 

It's exhausting 

Draining 

Utterly soul destroying 

I hate it 

But I can't stop

I'm stuck in this binge/purge cycle

I'm craving certain foods the way I used to crave heroin

I need to stop though

I can't go on like 

 this 

I can't live like this 

It's going to kill me 

Sooner or later 

If this job does work out 

I need to get myself together 

I'm going to need energy to do the job

So I need to eat properly 

Giving myself enough energy and nourishment to get through the day

And I need to start practising that straight away 

I'm seeing Mary this week

So I will talk it out with her 

And make a plan for the next few months 

Both food wise 

And occupation wise 

The thought of this job is keeping me going at the moment 

But I need to be prepared for the fact that it might not work out

I need to have a plan B

And I guess that will be volunteering 

Either with animals 

Or the elderly 

I would be happy doing either one

I'm trying to stay positive 

But the truth is 

I am afraid I won't get the job 

I think about what they are looking for 

And I'm pretty sure it's not a former drug addict with various mental health issues

But the thing is 

I know I could do a good job 

I know I could thrive and grow and blossom in this position 

I'm a doer 

I like to be busy 

I like to be around people 

And help people 

This job is all of those things 

It's like it was made especially for me 

I just hope I get to make a case for myself at the interview 

I'm not too bad at interviews 

The manger told me that there would be three interviewers

Which sounds a bit daunting 

But I will give it my best shot 

I can do know more 

Weight wise 

I could do with putting on a few pounds 

My BMI is just over 18

And I don't think it suits me

I look better when my my BMI is a around 20

So I will work on it 

Thank you so much  for all your suppor recently 

It means so much to me that you are all behind me 

And encourages me to realise my hopes and dreams 

I just hope that I can do the same for you too

Thank you!! X

Monday Monday....

As usual 

I was up early this morning to go see my doctor

My sister and I set off for my 9 20am appointment 

And she went for a walk with the dogs 

While I headed in to the surgery

I had my application for the job with me

Which I filled out last night

And went over it as I sat in the waiting room

I needed two references 

So I put my elderly neighbour as one

I needed one more

So I made a call to the pizzeria owner I used to work for

I got his wife 

Who said that was absolutely fine 

It really pays off doing the right thing

And having someone who can give you a reliable character witness

As I rang off 

My doctor called me in 

I followed him in to his room

Where I settled in my usual seat

I had thought about asking him for a reference 

But I don't know if that would be appropriate 

So I decided against it

We talked for a few minutes 

I told him about the job

And he seemed genuinely delighted for me

He said that he hopes to retire there when he's older 

Gosh wouldn't the tables turn if that was the case

He wished me good luck

And to me that I am too talented to be sitting around doing nothing 

I thought that was a nice thing to say 

I collected my script 

And headed for the pharmacy

After handing in my script to the pharmacist 

I decided to head over to where the job is

And hand in my application

It was busier today

I walked to the kitchen 

Where the staff usually are

I knocked on the door

Someone answered and said they would introduce me to the manager 

I spoke to her for a few minutes

She was really lovely 

She told me that there were loads of applications 

My heart sank a bit when she said that 

She said they would go through all the applications this week

And that they wouldn't be calling everyone for interview 

But the would let me know one way or another next week

I thanked her

And headed back to the pharmacy 

You know me 

I get very excited about things

And this job is something I would love

But now I'm thinking I probably my shouldn't get my hopes up

As so many have applied

The manager dos ask me if I was available for an interview

And if I could start straight away 

Does that mean I'm going to be called?

Or did she ask everyone that?

I just dont know 

I guess now it's a waiting game

And we all know how I'm not very good at waiting 

But 

I have no other choice

At least I know that I did my best

And gave it a good shot

I could do no more

This is the first job I've applied for in years 

So if nothing else 

It's been good experience

But you guys 

I just can't help getting my hopes up

I just have this really good feeling about this place

And this job 

It's some thing I could really sink my teeth in to 

And I can't lie

I will be bitterly disappointment if it doesn't work out

In other news

I am feeling a lot better the last few days 

Physically 

I feel almost back to myself 

And my mood has picked up too

My weight has stayed the same for the past two weeks 

With no losses to report 

So that is good 

Although if I were to get this job

I need to gain a bit 

Or at the very least maintain where I am at 

It's all motivation to get well

And stay well

I guess I need to have a back up if this job doesn't work out 

Whether that be another job

A course 

Volunteer work 

I think I will wait to hear from them

And go from there

Whatever happens 

It's a learning experience 

And I can use that in the next job I apply for 

So please think of me

And wish me luck 

It looks like I'm going to need it....

Outfit for today

We have a full house this weekend 

My Auntie B and my two uncles on my mothers side are here 

We are all going out for lunch today

So I thought I would share my outfit for the day

I bought a pair of dungarees on line a while ago

And really wasn't sure if they would suit

But after trying them on

I have to say 

I really like them 

They are super comfy 

Perfect for a Sunday family lunch

So 

Here they are....