Blogger

Is it just me

Or does blogger seem eerily quiet these days?

I check my reader a few times a day 

And there are hardly ever any new posts to read

I guess Instagram is more popular these days 

And Twitter

But still

A lot of people seem to read this blog

And I get emails every day from readers And other writers

That is the great thing about writing this blog 

I never know what is going to happen because of it

I put myself and my story out there

As I want to speak for the cross addicted community 

As well as the ED community 

I feel my story is worth telling 

As it's not fairytale 

I didn't live happily ever after

Life is tough 

There are many many bumps in the road 

This last week proved that 

With both myself and my Mum being hospitalised

My pancreatitis couldn't have come at a worse time 

And hospital admissions are a real pain in the ass

But I'm home now 

And on the mend 

I spent yesterday getting the house in to some sort of order 

And also looking after Mam

I made her meals 

Helped her have a shower

And anything else she needs doing 

My sister is relieved I am home

As it takes some of the pressure off her

The only thing is that I'm going to miss horse riding for the next couple of weeks 

Unless I can organise a lift from someone 

I will really miss it 

As I love it so much 

Equine therapy has helped me in so many ways 

Building a relationship with Star has been amazing 

And he did me so proud on Sunday

He's a small horse 

But has a big personality 

I think we are perfectly suited

Being with animals really feeds my soul 

I find they aid with healing too

As they are so in tune with you 

For instance 

My two knew there was something going on last Sunday

As they were extremely and unusually quiet 

That's not like them at all

But yes 

Horse riding has been a life line

It has helped with my confidence in a big way 

And my self esteem

Growing in confidence has helped me with riding 

And that translates in to my every day life as well

If you had told me six months ago that I would be competing in a dressage show 

I would have laughed at you 

But I'm so glad I did it 

It really gave me a boost

Also 

There is the social side of horse riding 

I have made new friends 

Amazing people 

When we go riding 

We leave our problems at the door 

And have a laugh and a joke

There is great craic and banter 

If I could 

I would ride every single day

And I spend the whole week looking forward to Wednesday 

It's been better than any medicine 

Any therapy 

And any meeting 

I guess you find what works for you 

By a process of trial and error

Now I have found something to live for 

A reason to get up in the morning 

A purpose 

And that feels so good

In other news 

My neighbour just rang me

To let me know that the lady from  the job rang her for an reference 

I'm taking that as a good sign

That they are keeping me in mind 

If I do get the job

I don't know how I'm going to manage everything 

And I have doctors orders to rest and take it easy 

But I will play it by ear 

I really want to continue my course 

And if I get they job 

They are going to clash 

I will have to choose one or the other I guess 

Watch this space I suppose 

I met a friend yesterday 

A girl I used to be friendly with 

But we kind of drifted apart 

She also has addiction and ED issues 

So it's good to talk to someone who is in the same boat 

That is it from me today 

I'm a busy bee looking after Mum

So 

See you on the next post....

Home

I was really hoping to get home yesterday

The boredom and routine of the hospital was sapping the life out of me

And I was losing the will to live

They took blood yesterday morning 

And it took a couple of hours for the results to come back 

I paced the corridor as I was off my drip

Asking the nurses every half hour if they were back 

I have to say though 

The nurses are nothing short of fantastic 

A few of them remembered me from my last admission

And they just couldn't do enough for me

I had cups of tea coming out my ears!

And if I never see toast again it will be too soon

My Dad came in to collect me

So he also had to wait 

At about 4 30pm

The results came back 

My amylase was down by 100

So that was good news 

Now I just had to wait to see the doctor to be discharged

I was all set for another epic wait

I swear I'd done nothing but wait since I set foot in that hospital

But to my surprise

He arrived after only a few minutes

With his possey in tow

And gave me the go ahead to go home

They didn't need to tell me twice

I quickly packed my bag 

And rang my Dad who was down stairs 

I went to say goodbye to all the ladies in my ward 

The lady beside me especially 

We used to sit in our respective chairs

And have a fool ol' natter

She was in a tremendous amount of pain

And was drugged up to the eyeballs 

It didn't bother me though

I was getting Tramadol and a sleeper 

So I was happy out

The day in hospital is long 

I was well enough to be conscious of what was happening 

Not sick enough to not be bored

My pain was being managed with the Tramadol

I asked many of the nurses and doctors what I could do to prevent further attacks

But they could be me no answers

And one even told me to pray!

So there seems there's nothing I can do to help myself 

And may just have to put up with this

And learn to live and manage it

I guess in hospital they only treat the symptoms 

They patch you up 

And send you on your way as soon as you begin to improve 

I left hospital at 5pm

And I was delighted to get home

To see Mam and the dogs 

The dogs knew something was up the last few days. 

And they were being unusually quiet

They gave me a lovely welcome though

I had some dinner 

Changed in to my pyjamas

And settled down for the night

Mam is feeling stronger

And is getting around a bit more easily

I'm glad to be home to help out 

I'll whip the place in to shape in jig time

So this morning 

I had to see my doctor 

I had no appointment 

So I just rocked up at 9am

And planted myself outside his room

Avoiding the receptionists 

As I knew if I went through them

I would never get to see him

The surgery was so busy

So I was hoping my doctor would see me

I knocked on his door 

And he called me in

I apologised for skipping the queue 

But he saw me

Which was very decent of him

He asked me about my hospital stay

And again 

He could not give me any answers

Apart from avoiding alcohol

Which I do any way 

I forgot to bring my Tramadol prescription

So I asked my doctor for some 

He was really reluctant to give me some

But agreed to give me two days worth

Albeit half the dose I was getting in hospital

I was so glad he saw me though

At least now I can relax that I have my meds

That's the thing about methadone 

I am so dependant on it

And waiting around for it in hospital was a nightmare 

But the nurses were fantastic

And did their best to get it for me as soon as they could 

Nurses really are the unsung heroes of the health care system

Every time I have a hospital admission

I am so impressed with their kindness

Their efficiency

And their patience

It really is a vocation

Even the student nurse was amazing 

Now I am back home 

And I'm trying to get the house in to some kind of order

My poor sister is absolutely wrecked

She has been on nurse duty now for over a week

Then she had to bring me in to casualty 

I feel so bad for her

But I am home now 

And I can get stuck in

I guess I just need to be careful now

And stay as healthy as I can 

That includes diet, exercise and looking after my mental health

That's all I can do

And hopefully I won't get another attack any time soon 

I'm feeling a lot better though

My pain is minimal

And I'm going to go to my course today all being well 

It's just so lovely to be home 

And have the freedom to do what I like 

Ok I'm off to do some cleaning 

See you on the next post....

Day 2 in hospital

Yesterday was a bit of a nightmare

The couldn't get any of my meds

The only one they could get was the mirtazapine

They had to order the reat

And because it was a bank holiday

The pharmacy was closed 

And I couldn't get my methadone 

Luckily I had tablets at home 

So my Dad brought them in

No methadone though

My Dad came in to visit at 2pm

So I took my meds then 

I started to get sleep at around 3pm

So Dad left 

And I had an epic sleep until 8pm

I'm not fasting anymore 

So I can have a light diet

Of tea and toast

Or soup and bread

I'm actually sick of tea and toast by this stage

I've been getting pain killers IV since yesterday morning 

But they won't give me any opiates because I'm on methadone 

So the weak tablets I am on are not really touching the pain

Last night

My cannula started to get sore 

And I looked at my arm 

It had swollen by about 50%

At first I thought I was seeing things 

But comparing it to my other arm

It really had ballooned

The nurse immediately took the needle out 

And a doctor out one in my other arm

This morning my arm is still swollen

Now I know what I would look like if a gained 50 pounds

Very strange 

Took me a while to get to sleep last night 

And the lovely nurses made me two cups of tea

The other women in my wars are elderly

And they are some characters

Constantly laughing and joking 

One woman is 90 years old

And she is the life and soul of the ward

Most of the time I am in too much pain to join in

But I like listening to them

I woke before 7am this morning 

And the ward has been a hive of activity since then 

At the moment I am lying down listening to the radio

And waiting to see the doctor

I still in pain 

And can't get comfortable 

Not matter what way I lie

Anyway

Below is a photo of my swollen arm 

And some pics of the horse show 

Enjoy...

The show, the hospital and a very long day....

I bring you this post from a hospital bed in my local hospital

A very tired and weak Ruby

Yesterday started out great

My Dad, my nephew, my sister and I

All set off for the horse show at 9 30am

And arrived at the centre just after half ten

The place was a hive of activity 

And I was super nervous from the start

I changed in to my horsey garb

And took a seat to watch the show start

I knew very little about the show itself 

I deliberately didn't ask any questions 

As I figured that ignorance was bliss

There was a guy from my class there 

Fintan

And he was riding in the same category as me

All in all there were seven of us 

I had feared that they would all be children

But they were in fact all adults

Some people were taking it very seriously altogether

And arrived dressed and done up to the nines 

A few people had even brought their own horses 

There were some really beautiful ones 

I was on at about 12pm

I was super nervous from the start 

And I just couldn't wait for it to be over 

Eilish gave me some last minute words of advice 

And before I knew it

It was time to go

I knew one thing though

I knew Star wouldn't let me down

I mounted him 

Took my whip and Eilish gave me the nod to begin

Thankfully Star began trotting with no bother 

And we were off

From the start 

Stars pace was great

He was moving so lovely 

We made our way around the course

Trying to be as neat and precise as possible 

I was trying so hard to keep my shoulders down and my back straight

I swear it was hard work

It looks so easy 

And it seems the horse is doing all the work

But it's tough on the legs 

And your breathing 

Before I knew it 

My test was over 

And I finished up in the centre 

And bowed to the judges

I looked up

And all I could see was Fintan giving me a huge thumbs up

Eilish was super excited 

She gave me a big hug

And said it was the best I've ever done it

I was wrecked 

But I felt it went well

I dismounted Star 

And went to speak to my family 

Who were all delighted for me

Then we had to wait for about half an hour to get the results 

So we all got a cup of tea and chilled out 

As I was drinking tea

I noticed a pain was developing in my upper abdomen 

I ignored it at first 

The pain was bearable 

So I didn't give it too much thought

Then Eilish came over with a huge smile on her face 

I came fourth out of seven!

I was really delighted as all the riders in my group were experienced 

And it just felt so good not to come last 

Fintan came first 

And I was so happy for him

He truly deserved it

To be honest 

I couldn't enjoy the moment fully 

As the pain in my stomach was getting worse 

But I pushed it to the back of my mind 

After taking some photos 

We headed for home 

I told my Dad about the pain

And also my sister 

It felt suspiciously like the pancreatitis pain

But I was just praying it wasn't 

We arrived home about 2pm

Mam is laid up obviously with her foot

So my other sister stayed with her today 

I told Mam about the pain

She strongly suggested that I didn't wait for it to get worse 

And to head in to A&E

That was really the last thing I wanted to do 

But as the pain got worse 

I knew I had little or no choice

So I packed a bag of essentials 

And my sister and I headed off again

We arrived in A&E

And it was busy 

I registered and took a seat

And then the waiting game began 

Which is a bit of a nightmare when you are in pain 

About an hour later 

The triage nurse saw me

She asked the standard routine questions 

About my ED 

My addiction

My meds

She took my blood pressure which was normal

As was my temperature and blood sugars

Then I was sent out to wait some more 

A whole two hours later 

I was finally called to see the doctor 

I was given a room of my own 

Which has its disadvantages and advantages 

The doctor came 

More questions 

More examinations 

Blood taken

Then had to wait for the results 

Which took another hour and a half 

Eventually he came back to me

They measure the amylase in the blood

Normal is 100

Mine was 330

So they suspect my pancreas in inflamed 

I was both relieved and annoyed with this result 

Part of me was hoping that I had over reacted 

And it wasn't my pancreas at all

But deep down 

I think I knew it was 

I always know

You can't mistake that pain

The waiting went on and on

And my poor sister who had just got back from her stint in hospital with mum, was really starting to flag

I kept trying to convince her to go home

And at 11 30pm

She relented 

And dragged her weary body back to the house 

At 12am 

When I still couldn't sleep 

I asked for a sleeping tablet 

A request that was flatly refused

They were being very stingy with the meds on this admission

Usually I get morphine as standard 

But this time I only got paracetamol 

Very disappointing 

Anyway 

That's not my call to make 

For the next couple of hours 

I slept fitfully

Then at 2am

A porter woke me up to take me to a ward 

Turns out I was in the same ward as last time

And I recognised the nurses straight away

One of them took me in to a little side room

To do my vitals 

She also weighed me

But the less said about that the better 

Then I was taken down to my room

I was so glad to just relax and settle in

Again I asked for a sleep tablet 

And this time I was successful

I read  for a few minutes

Before I felt the meds kick in

And I drifted off to sleep

So here I am 

It's morning 

And I'm just waiting for the doctor to do his rounds 

I'm pretty much fed up to be in hospital

When I'm needed at home 

But isn't this just always the way life happens?

The Toe, The show and other stories

My mother had her surgery yesterday 

My sister brought her to Dublin on Thursday 

And the operation happened early yesterday morning

My Dad stayed here while they were away

And we busied ourselves cooking and cleaning 

And generally making the house nice and comfortable for her

They arrived home today late afternoon

Mums foot is bandaged tightly 

And she has to wear an orthopaedic sandal

We helped her in to the house 

And on to the couch

The general anaesthetic has made her very ill last night 

So she just had tea and toast and water 

We sat and chatted for a while 

Mum told is all about the hospital and the staff who were nothing short of brilliant

Then I helped her put away her things 

And in to her pyjamas 

She's not as incapacitated as I thought she would be 

She can use crutches 

And get to the bathroom ok

But she needs to help changing her clothes and things like that 

So right now me and mum are in the living room 

She is relaxing 

And I am blogging 

She will need a lot of looking after for the foreseeable future

But I don't mind one little bit 

She has often done it for me

Mums operation has been a great distraction for me 

Given what is happening tomorrow 

The show in my equestrian centre

The dressage show to be more precise 

Myself and Star are making our debut!

I can't lie 

I am nervous 

I really don't know what to expect of the show 

I'm hoping there won't be too many people there 

As lots of people make me anxious 

I basically have to do a routine with Star 

There are different letters around the arena 

And you walk or trot depending on the instructions 

All in all 

I've only done the full course about five times 

And I definitely dont know the course of by heart 

But look

I will give it a go 

It will be fun

And good experience for me 

Myself and Star are building a nice little relationship 

And he has started to co-operate with me 

Which is great 

So I spent the evening getting my clothes  ready for tomorrow 

Eilish gave me some proper riding boots

Which I cleaned up 

I'm wearing olive coloured trousers

A grey top

And a grey fitted jacket

So hopefully I will look the part

Anyway 

I'm off to have dinner

Wish me luck tomorrow!

I promise beaucoup de photos....

Z is for Zodiac!

And so we have reached the end of the A-Z Challenge 

I actually Googled words beginning with Z

And zodiac immediately jumped out at me 

I was born in early September 

So I am a Virgo

According to the zodiac

Virgos are perfectionists 

Practical 

Efficient 

If you want something something done 

And done well

Ask a virgo

Virgo is the sixth sign of the zodiac to be exact

And that's they way virgos like it: exacting 

I am forever the butt of jokes for being so picky and critical

But our attention to detail is for a reason

To help others 

Virgos more than any other sign, were born to serve 

And it gives us great joy 

We are tailor made for the job

As we are industrious, methodical and efficient 

My sister is always slagging me how I do everything in fast forward 

As quick and efficiently as possible

Our sense of duty is great

And ensures that we will always work for the greater good 

Virgo is represented by the Virgin

Although this association should not be taken literally 

We tend to take on some the qualities of the Virgin

Things like modesty and humanity 

Some might consider us repressed

Although Virgos would argue that it is a noble quality 

As opposed to a negative one 

As a Virgo

My brain is in overdrive most of the time 

Which is why we get so much done 

Virgos are able communicators

And use their mental strength to maximum advantage 

All of this brainpower can make Virgos prone to skepticism 

And can even lead to the type of overthinking that can lead to over kill 

Virgos enjoy studying a situation in great detail 

Whether it's in work, a project or relationship 

We are truly interested in understanding things 

Virgos are also neat and clean, reliable, and practical and oh so useful to have around 

The element associated with the sign Virgo is earth

And in keeping with that

Most Virgos are grounded, salt of the earth types

Virgos do enjoy material possessions and are picky about what they bring in to their lives

While Virgos can be worriers 

We do our best to temper these impulses 

However 

If left unchecked this nervousness can lead to hypochondria 

For that reason Virgos are extremely health conscious 

And many choose a health or medical career 

When it comes to love, Virgos are able to loosen up somewhat 

And are devoted to their partners 

Even if they can be a bit jealous 

The great strengths of the Virgo is in their practicality, sharp mind and attention to detail

With all that said

I was wondering about you 

What star sign are you?

Are you a typical one?

Do you read star signs?

Do you believe them?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Y is for You!

And so we are on the home straight

Only two letters left

I'm so glad to be almost finished this challenge

I am notorious for starting things

And being all enthusiastic for the first ten minutes

Then my energy gives out

And I promptly give said activity up

So completing this challenge is great for me 

To actually see something through until the end 

No matter how hard it gets 

So yes

Y is for You

As in being yourself 

In your full

Technicolor 

Bat shit crazy way

It's taken me a long time to be comfortable being myself 

And I'm still a work in progress 

Today for example 

I was walking down my road 

With my dogs 

And I looked down and realised that my trousers were on back to front 

A few years ago 

If that happened to me

I would have been mortified

But today 

I had a little chuckle to myself 

And carried on walking

Not giving a hoot who saw me

I mean 

In the grand scheme of things 

Who actually cares?

Not me anyway

I guess we have different faces for different situations 

Our work persona

Family persona 

Girlfriend persona 

Sibling persona 

We wear many hats 

So being ourselves is a real treat

I covered up my true self for so long 

That it becomes hard to even identify your true self 

And isn't it so liberating to be around someone who is completely at ease within themselves?

I find that I get on with some people and some People not so much

But that's life 

You can't like every one

And everyone can't like you

I've spent my whole life trying to fit in

Trying to be part of the 'cool kids'

At school 

Fitting in seemed the be all and end all

But then I grew up and realised that it's more fun to be different 

And not to follow the crowd 

As an adult 

We can seek out others like us if we want 

There is always someone who will get us 

Understand us 

Even when the majority of the population doesn't 

Being yourself is so important I think

Because pretending to be someone you're not is exhausting 

I've been there 

It's not fun

In fact it's soul destroying 

I am happy to be me 

I'm doing ok

Given what I've been through

I'm not doing too badly at all

I try to be a good person

I do my best to be a person of integrity 

Yes

I've made a lot of mistakes over the years 

But I've learned a lot too

And I'm now in a good place 

The best I've been in a long time 

I want to maintain that 

And live my life 

As well as I can 

I enjoy being me 

I am curious 

Inquisitive 

I have a big heart 

And lots of love to give 

We as people 

And as women 

Should be ourselves 

We are bright 

Talented 

We have so much to offer 

We are the next generation

The future 

The planet is in safe hands 

Do you think It's important to be yourself?