Hello my dears,
I hope you are well today and enjoyed your weekend.
Tiredness lingers toady but that's ok, it's Monday and all I have is one doctors appointment today which was first thing this morning. I never sleep on a Sunday night but that is my own silly fault for not
rationing my meds properly through out the week.
My doctor gave me a drug test this morning. It is random testing and he rarely does it. Even though I know I have not used I still get nervous waiting for the little blue line to appear but of course it was clean.
I sense something has shifted with my eating disorder. It started yesterday. Usually Sundays are spent bingeing and purging continuously but yesterday was strangely calm and only b/p a couple of times. That was my first clue something was up.Then yesterday evening I had a sudden urge to weigh myself. I had stopped doing this as I just couldn't handle the rollercoaster of emotions it sent me on. Mary was weighing me once a week and that was it. So I stripped and tentatively stepped on the scale praying for it to be under a certain number. I opened one eye to look and relief flooded through me as I saw a 'safe' number. In fact I had lost weight. Eating disorder 1, recovery 0. But I can't lie, I felt that old familiar euphoric feeling that I only get from seeing the numbers go down. It definitely triggered me.
I knew it for sure when I couldn't eat last night because I couldn't bear the dreaded guilty feeling afterwards. Don't get me wrong, I am glad mia has left the building. She makes life a living hell. The endless bingeing and purging, the shoplifting food, the self loathing and the guilt I won't miss. Whereas mia is like a tornado leaving a trail of destruction, ana is a lot more subtle. She is sly and sneaky. She starts of by grooming me and seducing me by whispering in my ear 'you don't need food, you have me, do what I say and I will repay you with happiness, confidence, self belief and the body you've always wanted'. 'Come with me, I will look after you so you will never be alone, I am the only friend you need'. Even though I know the consequences of listening to her are devastating I find myself thinking, maybe this time will be different, maybe I can do this on my terms this time. She is luring me in and it's so very hard to resist. But why does it have to be one or the other, why can't I be somewhere inbetween, eating enough so I am not restricting but not so much that I am not bingeing. Ay ay ay......
But I do not relax, I know that just when you think mia has left she can come back and slap you right in the face. She is as subtle as a sledge hammer.
Anyway, time will tell how this plays out.
Also, a shout out to 'me destruit'. Thank you for your comments and yes I would love to get in contact with you. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org
I wish you all lots of love and light,
Have a good day x