Monday, 21 May 2012

Goodbye Mia, Hello Ana

Hello my dears,
I hope you are well today and enjoyed your weekend.

Tiredness lingers toady but that's ok, it's Monday and all I have is one doctors appointment today which was first thing this morning. I never sleep on a Sunday night but that is my own silly fault for not
rationing my meds properly through out the week.
My doctor gave me a drug test this morning. It is random testing and he rarely does it. Even though I know I have not used I still get nervous waiting for the little blue line to appear but of course it was clean.

I sense something has shifted with my eating disorder. It started yesterday. Usually Sundays are spent bingeing and purging continuously but yesterday was strangely calm and only b/p a couple of times. That was my first clue something was up.Then yesterday evening I had a sudden urge to weigh myself. I had stopped doing this as I just couldn't handle the rollercoaster of emotions it sent me on. Mary was weighing me once a week and  that was it.  So I stripped and tentatively stepped on the scale praying for it to be under a certain number. I opened one eye to look and relief flooded through me as I saw a 'safe' number. In fact I had lost weight. Eating disorder 1, recovery 0. But I can't lie, I felt that old familiar euphoric feeling that I only get from seeing the numbers go down. It definitely triggered me.
I knew it for sure when I couldn't eat last night because I couldn't bear the dreaded guilty feeling afterwards. Don't get me wrong, I am glad mia has left the building. She makes life a living hell. The endless bingeing and purging, the shoplifting food, the self loathing and the guilt I won't miss. Whereas mia is like a tornado leaving a trail of destruction, ana is a lot more subtle. She is sly and sneaky. She starts of by grooming me and seducing me by whispering in my ear 'you don't need food, you have me, do what I say and I will repay you with happiness, confidence, self belief and the body you've always wanted'. 'Come with me, I will look after you so you will never be alone, I am the only friend you need'. Even though I know the consequences of listening to her are devastating I find myself thinking, maybe this time will be different, maybe I can do this on my terms this time. She is luring me in and it's so very hard to resist. But why does it have to be one or the other, why can't I be somewhere inbetween, eating enough so I am not restricting but not so much that I am not bingeing. Ay ay ay......
But I do not relax, I know that just when you think mia has left she can come back and slap you right in the face. She is as subtle as a sledge hammer.

Anyway, time will tell how this plays out.

Also, a shout out to 'me destruit'. Thank you for your comments and yes I would love to get in contact with you. My  email is

I wish you all lots of love and light,

Have a good day x


  1. Thank you for your amazing comments, girl.

    I agree, there is something very euphoric about seeing the numbers go down. It's scarily addictive and thrilling at the same time. Another kind of high.

    I urge you not to b/p, obviously neither eating disorder is better than the other, but if you have the choice to restrict rather that to binge and purge, I would pick that option.

    Lots of love to you <3

  2. Gosh, things don't sound very good really - I mean at least you aren't binging anymore, but ana is not much better really! I love the buzz from stepping on the scale and seeing the numbers fall though - it makes or breaks my day!
    Haha wouldn't things be so much easier if we could find a happy medium? But I guess it wouldn't be a disorder if we could! I hope things are ok though :)
    Lottie x

  3. I'm glad to hear you didn't binge and purge that much yesterday. That's wonderful. But like lottie said, ANA isn't any better. She is a sneaky bitch for sure.

  4. I have been told sometimes there is a switch that can go off. Sounds a lot like what you are describing. I am not sure if i have every experienced it myself but I know that sometimes I can get into this zone where dropping weight is easy and then everything seems to go horribly wrong. It is very annoying.

    Glad mia has left you for the most part, I know it will be a breath of fresh air for you. Not sure if I should be congrating you on the weight loss though but congrats anyway. I mean you did lose weight without trying.

  5. Although I've never been bulimic, I can definitely relate to what you are saying. I have gone through cycles of intense bingeing/restricting, and the binge cycle makes life much more shameful and chatoic whereas the restricting cycle makes life much more cleaner and in control. It's a facade of course; they are both equally destructive, but you see what I mean.

  6. Oh man the scale... I'm too scared of it right now. Just can't. But You. Glad that bulimia is gone, but this game is crazy. It's all about pressure and stress levels and anxiety and relief. Take care of yourself sweetie, you know the nature of this so don't forget to question what it tells you.

    Stay positive!!

  7. Just started reading this blog and I love hearing about others lives :) I'd love to have a safe number but I'm just not that small yet :) ana is healthier in a way well I prefer it :) keep updating and stay positive :) x


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