Monday, 29 July 2013

Another day, another doctor

My usual doctor is recovering from surgery and Nice Woman Doctor is on her holidays
So today I saw another doctor who I will call Little Man Doctor
I've seen him before a couple of times before and he is very pleasant
He was a bit flustered when I went in as he was running late
I explained that I needed my weekly prescriptions
He left to get the methadone prescription and apologized when he came back in
The methadone script is different to a usual script
It's more like a form than a script
And it has to be filled in precisely or the pharmacy won't accept it
He took his time filling it in and asked me to look over it when he was finished
After I ok'd it I gathered up my things
He jumped up and opened the door for me
Nice touch I thought

I walked out to reception to make another appointment when I discovered that next week is a bank holiday so I actually needed 8 days meds
Back in to the doctor where the whole process was repeated
He said he would write out a new one as he 'didn't want it to look bad'
I mad my appointment for next week and left for the chemist

Having been on methadone for 9 years I've gotten to know  the staff in the chemist quite well
The girls are lovely and always stop for a chat
However the pharmacist herself is not all that nice
She is all business
Never says anything other then what price I owe
I've stopped trying to make conversation with her
She has been working there for a few years now
The pharmacist before her was much nicer
I had been seeing him from day one and had built up a nice relationship with him
When I went behind the counter to take my methadone, he would always ask how things were going
He was so positive and encouraging and I loved having a chat with him
Then one day a member of staff said they had something to tell me
I didn't know what he was going to say when he explained that the pharmacist was no longer working
He didn't explain why
He just said that he wouldn't be coming back
I was quite upset and I did think it was a bit strange

A few months later I was talking to a girl in town
She told me that the pharmacist has been let go because he had been 'over friendly' towards a female customer
The customer complained and he was sacked
I was shocked to hear this because I had always found him to be so nice
Friendly yes but not in a creepy uncomfortable way
In fact I thought he had a lovely manner
I really wanted to thank him for being so kind to me so I wrote him a thank you card and left it in to the chemist for them to post to him
And so he was replaced by this current pharmacist and collecting my meds has never been quite the same
I did run in to him a couple of years later and he is now working else where

I guess it goes to show how important these professionals can become in our lives
I was new to this area and it was hard enough settling in to a new town and especially because I was a former heroin addict
People can be quick to judge and it's hard to shake off a bad reputation
But for every person that condemns there is always someone who will show compassion and empathy
And they're the ones who make it all worthwhile

I have been making a big effort to get out of the house to prevent binging and purging
Especially on a Sunday because it's a day I find extremely difficult for some reason
And I'm feeling the benefits
Getting out of the house gets  me out of my own my head
And my head is a dangerous place to be
Sitting at home I become so introverted and withdrawn
Being out and about reminds me that there is a whole world out there and that the world does not revolve around me and my issues
Yesterday my mother and aunt and uncle went to a morning mass at the Holy Well
The Holy well is an amazing place
So peaceful and tranquil

After mass the priest was giving blessings to people that were ill
My mother wanted me to go up but I felt just being there was enough

After mass we went to Strandhill for lunch by the sea
I was anxious to say the least
I ordered butternut squash and roasted pepper soup
It came with brown bread
I managed to eat half and didn't purge
After eating I felt uncomfortably full
I had such an urge to purge but I didn't

We went for a walk on the beach then
As we walked a noticed a girl walking in front of me
She was extremely thin and frail
I couldn't stop looking at her
I was both fascinated and repulsed
I said it to my mother as she usually notices these things too but she hadn't noticed this girl
She may just have been very thin but I'd hazard a guess that she had anorexia
It's always startling to see someone so thin
Seeing this girl made me wonder if that's what people see when they look at me
In my head I look perfectly normal but I do accept that I have a skewed perception of what I look like
But I definitely don't see an underweight person when I look in the mirror

My weight dropped last week but has stayed stable since then
I don't know how I feel about my weight
I want to lose more but I also don't want to either
I am used to being this weight now and the thought of having to gain is terrifying
It's the one thing keeping me stuck in this place
The one thing I can't face

What about you?
Are you happy/satisfied with your weight?
How does your weight affect your life?


  1. I'm not sure if you saw my last post. It was actually about my numbers so you'll have to go see. I will say with my best attempt at pride that before breakfast I was 134.8. After breakfast/coffee/water/with clothes on I was 136. My trainer calculated that I'm 110 pounds of lean muscle mass and 26 pounds of fat. I was upset but at the same time I'm trying to learn that he's right, I'm healthy and 19% body fat us not too much for a female. I would love to be ten pounds less but I love weight lifting and it gets me away from my ED so I can't dwell on it.

  2. My weight is my life. I don't work more than 4 hours a week, but not every week either, I don't do anything other than walk, yet I still fail at losing enough weight, yet I know losing weight won't make me happy, yet I don't want to stop because I don't know what could ever make me happy and weightloss is a step closer to silence. Ugh I just don't know.

    Have you heard Hurricane my MS MR? I feel like its a song you'd like - xxxx

  3. Currently I am the happiest I have been with my weight for a long time. My stomach is finally flat *THANK YOU cosmetic surgery* and I have lost about 5 lbs since coming out of the hospital.
    I still hate my arms/thighs/boobs, though. That's what I'm working on. I can't wait to get back to the gym and start rebuilding some muscle.

    My weight pretty much determines how relaxed I am and how happy I am any given day/week/month. I never feel good when I weight too much, I just feel... FAT.

  4. I am unsatisfied with my weight. It seems that the more I exercise the more I eat and nothing gets accomplished. I really need to forget about my weight for a while. I think it would take care of itself then.

  5. Weight. I don't know what I accurately weigh. I stepped on the scales last week, it said a number lower than what I thought. My eating has been erratic and my exercise hasn't been balancing it, so I feel a lot fatter than I probably am. I'm never really satisfied. G mentioned he was worried about my eating and all, but I don't know how to explain it. My jeans fit..that must mean something. It's not so much my weight but what I see in the mirror. I do body checks every time I see a reflection, unfortunately. Today my mood is neutral, but the girl in the mirror looks like a blob, so I could be better.

    Those pictures are cute, I love the one of the sky, so peaceful. I'm proud of you for keeping the soup down, I hope it was good. Love you to pieces, have a lovely week. <3

  6. I was happy this morning. I found out after weighing for the first time in days, and I've lost 3 pounds regardless of my not exercising, and all the BBQ foods etc. But in the long term, I am not happy. I don't think I ever will be.

    My weight really does affect me. There will always be something that isn't perfect, be it the inherent bags under my eyes, the shine on my forehead or the way my legs look in trousers.

    Loving the pics, btw. Especially the one with the sky. It's so gorgeous. Best wishes. :)

  7. I don't think I'll ever be happy with my weight. As you said, we can become used to our weights, normalize them, and it makes it so much harder to turn things around. I can only rationalize maintenance for so long before I snap.

    I'm glad to hear you're getting out more, especially on Sundays. I love the photos - the Holy Well looks beautiful.

    Love you Ruby dear *hugs* xx

  8. Ruby, I am so proud of you for eating and not purging that day... you did wonderfully and I know how hard that is for you.

    I keep hoping that these little steps will turn into big steps for you, I know this is not easy... I am the opposite of course and I need to lose weight... I however did see myself as I am... although people tell me often that I am not as big as I think I am... I am not tiny that is for sure... but I am finally doing something about it... is it hard... you bet it is... I just take each day as it comes... I hope you will too... :)

    1. I just wanted to tell you that I am taking a small break from blogging... I need that time to get myself together... to really ponder everything and then makes some decisions. I will back to catch up with you in a couple of weeks, be well Ruby, you will be in my thoughts :)

  9. Yay for getting out of the house and avoiding triggering situations :D YOU ARE AWESOME!

    High-five for listening to your stomach and stopping when you felt full. AND THEN not giving in to the urge? You rule. Fuelling your awesomeness=WIN.

    BEACH BEACH BEACH BEACH AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH SO PRETTY! :D Health and safety tip: Most holy well and springs fail to meet the standards for consumption applied to tap water. Don't drink it ok? With an Ed-ravaged immune system you can't afford the health risk :(

    Ireland is so pretty with lovely old buildings. Imma sit here and be jealous for a while :p



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