Thursday, 24 April 2014

Nine Lives?

My mother and I were standing in line at the supermarket this morning
As we were waiting, I flicked through  magazine
There were many articles about Peaches Geldof
Her death is still a mystery
As we walked out of the shop, I asked my Mum how she thought Peaches had died
Where as many thought it might have been drugs
My Mum suspects that it might have had something to do with disordered eating
She was painfully thin

Then we got talking about addiction and eating disorders
How it was so very sad that Peaches died at just 25 years of age
My mother commented that I was lucky to be alive given all that I have been through
That got me thinking
I guess I am lucky to be alive
Or unlucky
Depends on which way you look at it
I've lived through a horrific drug addiction
Was hospitalized twice after overdosing
I was in a horrible car crash when my boyfriend at the time fell asleep at the wheel
So many dark things can happen when you're immersed in the murky world of addiction
It feels like so long ago now
Sometimes I can't tell if it really happened or if I dreamt it
It's like it happened to someone else

I lived in desperate conditions
Associated with dangerous people
At the time I had no concept of how much danger I was in
My mother says that I was always a risk taker
That I liked to live on the edge
And was attracted to alternative people
I craved drama and excitement and danger
I know that I am blessed to have made it out relatively unscathed
Many of the people I knew didn't
Many are still in the midst of their addiction
Many are dead

As I got my addiction under control, my eating disorder began to spiral out of control
As my weight dropped to all time low, my health deteriorated and was hospitalized many times
Then last year I was hospitalized with pancreatitis
But thankfully made a good recovery
It makes me wonder
Why are some people taken so young and so soon?
Why are others spared?
Is there a reason?
Is just plain bad luck?
I'm not quite sure
In some ways I think it would have been easier if I had died
But easier on who?
Yes, for sure
But not my family
It would break their hearts

My Mum and I also spoke about the addiction gene
I truly believe that I was pre-disposed to be becoming an addict
Addiction is rampant on my father's side of the family
On my mothers side there is none
My 2 sisters have also had addiction problems in the past
My brother never has
Not only were my chances of becoming an addict increased
But I think we addicts also think differently
In much the same way as someone with an ed thinks
We seem to be me more sensitive
Tend to be more negative
Have low confidence and self esteem
And we are very hard on ourselves
We're more likely to experience depression and other mental health issues
It's easy to feel angry about this
To ask 'Why me?'
But I stopped feeling angry a long time ago
It got me no where

I tend to have quite a positive outlook about my situation
An outsider may look at my life and feel pity for me
But I don't want pity
There are plenty of people worse off than me
I've lived an amazing life
It's been exciting
I've experienced so many different things
Yes, there have been many lows
Crippling lows
But I look at the positive
I've met the most amazing people through out my life
Made so many fantastic friends
That in itself outweighs all the negatives
I've had the opportunity to go to brilliant treatment centres and learned so much about myself
Because of what I have been through, I have empathy and understanding
My life has made me what I am today
I'm stronger for it
I'm tougher for it
And I always, always have hope

I was talking to Mary last week
About how sometimes I feel inadequate around my own family because they are all so educated and have fancy degrees and I don't
Mary told me that I have the best degree going
From the University of Life
Money can't buy that
And it's true
I've had an education of a different kind
And I wouldn't swap it for the world!


  1. There is definitely an addiction gene but I think it is more common than we see. I think there is also a none addiction gene or genes that decide what you are likely to fall victim too.

    I often wonder why my girlfriend is alive. Her addiction is enough to kill three normal humans. She still has a chance to get past it with little damage.

  2. Gosh I am sorry to read about your girlfriend
    I hope she will be ok
    Keep hoping x

  3. I think there are a lot of parallels between eds and addictions; the way both are all-consuming and push everything else away. I've had a lot of similar thoughts as you - why am I here when so many others aren't? And I try to see it as a blessing and an opportunity. My family has been through so much with me, and i owe it to them to make the most of my second (and third) chance.

    1. Hey Kaylee, I agree, my ed and my addiction are both symptoms of an underlying problem, they are both a means of escape
      My family has also been through the mill with me
      They are the reason that I keep going

      Hope you are well x

  4. I've been following your blog since a while. I admire your writing but above all your honesty. How you continue to struggle, and let me (and other readers) see that, and often learn from it. I wish I sometimes had half your self knowledge. To me, it's a good thing that you seem to have nine lives.... Otherwise, I wasn't able to read...

    Love from the Netherlands

    1. Hey there, thank you so much for your comment
      This truly made my day!
      I love to hear from readers and it makes me so happy that my blog goes some way to helping you
      Do you have a blog?
      Sometimes I wonder who reads this blog and I am so delighted when someone like you reaches out

      Thanks again,

      Love from Ireland x

  5. I like this post. I'm not sure about Peaches, or how any young beautiful socialite dies without it being an accident, drugs, or some other condition/illness. Some things just happen. But I like that this post sounds more positive. You're saying what you have achieved instead of what you've failed at. Sure, you've led a more dramatic, crazy, unconventional life than most, but you still have so many years ahead to live more crazy adventures (I mean good, fun crazy). And education, ugh...having a piece of paper that says you spent a number of years studying this or's nothing compared to what you actually accomplish. I've been having doubts that I'm going to university for nothing, that I'm not really getting a lot accomplished, that I have no practical experience. Hopefully that will change this summer, but who knows. So, continue you're studying of life, but don't forget to get out there and live it too. Love you dear, keep looking forward.

  6. I saw a picture of her in the paper and my first thought was 'Heart attack. . . jaws don't look puffy enough for gastric rupture. The poor, poor girl'

    You are very, very very lucky.

    Gah, seems like your brain switched from one addiction/coping mechanism to another. "No can has drugs? Fine. Lets tune out another way now"

    Addiction and mental illness do run in families. Both Mum and my brother are addicts, I won't go near drugs very often because I'm terrified of ending up like them. And I know if I found something that made me feel good for the first time in my life I'd NEVER let it go. I don't want to go there.

    You've got a PhD from the School of Hard Knocks. HELL YES! :D


Thank you for leaving some love x