Monday, 27 October 2014

M is for Meds

I've been very bold this week
I had got 8 days meds because this weekend is bank holiday in this country
But now it is Monday and I had none left
Because I was greedy during the week
Usually I lull myself in to a false sense of security
That I am clean and sober
That I am not injecting heroin any more
Therefore I am clean and sober and happy out
But am I really?

Yes I have stopped using illegal drugs
Yes, I am a lot more stable than I have ever been
But now I am on a cocktail of medication
And still very much dependent on methadone
Even though I am on a low dose

When I saw my doctor last week
He mentioned reducing the methadone again
I immediately balked
And asked if he could wait a week
He told me that he would be away next week
So we would have to wait two weeks to reduce it
I was happy about that

The thing about my meds
Is that they kind of keep me in a state where I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat
And me being me
I like that
I like that I can switch off at any given moment
That I can check off the planet when ever I like
Being someone that doesn't do well with reality
That suits me just fine

But is that sobriety?
I have my doubts
In fact I am quite sure that is not sobriety
I'm not saying that everyone on meds is the same as a using drug addict
Most definitely not
If someone needs to be on meds
For a medical reason
That is perfectly ok
But I am not entirely sure that I need to be on all the meds I am
For instance I am on the highest dose of two anti depressants
Who needs to be on two anti depressants?
Me apparently

I am on a high dose of anti anxiety meds
But my anxiety has improved greatly
So I really don't think that I need it anymore
I think the problem is that when my state improved
My meds weren't looked at
I guess it's just easier to leave things the way they are

I look forward to Monday's
Doctor day
Because I get a fresh batch of meds
A whole big bag of goodies
I look forward to Monday's the way I used to look forward to pay day when I was in active addiction
Money = drugs
Drugs = oblivion

Have I just moved from illegal addiction to legal addiction?
Is my doctor now my dealer?
Is my pharmacist now my distributor
I don't know
I just know that the whole thing seems shady to me
But that's because I have no meds today and I am thinking clearly

So what is my problem with reality?
Why do I want to sleep my life away?
Well maybe it's because the only reality I knew was disordered eating
Maybe I need to give reality a chance now that I am feeling better
I know I get bored very easily
And I need a lot of stimulation
Maybe I need to get an iphone, he he
My sister is constantly on hers
Maybe that would solve my problems

But seriously
What do I do when the day comes that I am taken off my meds?
Do I stamp my feet like a toddler
And say 'No, you can't make me'
Do I confess that I use my meds to escape reality
That would not help matters me thinks

The lovely Bella left a comment that she thinks professional input is essential right now
And I am beginning to think that she is right
The only professional I am seeing right now is my doctor
And usually we talk about anything and everything outside of me
I miss Mary
I miss the way she was so rational and logical
And made so much sense

I guess it's in my hands
I need to help myself
Before the s**t hits the fan


  1. Ruby you need someting new to define yourself by at some point. I wish you could talk to Mary.

    I also think the conditioning effect of getting more clicks and responses when one writes about topics like drugs and disorders and suffering is highly underestimated, especiallly as this is a very important outlet and communication tool for you.

    i love you.


    1. I wish I could too Lilly
      I am walking around in circles over here
      And you are right
      I need to find another purpose
      A rasion d'etre
      Because this is ridiculous
      I know it is
      I love you too sister x

    2. *hugs* (if we do for real i'll cry, i swear)

  2. I am terrified that my doctor one day will say that she thinks I should get off my meds. Another doctor tried, but I ended up psychotic and suicidal, so that experiment did not work. Whenever I've tried to stop on my own things have ended badly. If the pills keep me alive, so be it. I rather take them than my life.

    1. Oh I hope you didn't think I meant that everyone on meds shouldn't be
      I totally get that a lot of people need to be on meds
      And maybe I am one of them
      I don't know
      I guess I am confused x

  3. Lilly makes a very good point, and highlights something I think everyone who has had an ed (or other mental health problem) struggles with when it has been so dominant for so many years. Who are we without it? What fills that void? How do we move on when we feel we haven't anything to move towards? It somehow seemed so much easier when younger and we had something to go back to (not that we ever did!). But now? It's scary. And other people out age seem to have moved on and lived lives. So maybe that's a place to start? What do you enjoy doing that would give you some sense of being more than just an ed/addict? I know you love your dogs. Could you so some voluntary work at a dog shelter? Or go walk their dogs? Or something similar? Just to give you some sense of living outside of it being so focused on food and meds and so on. I don't mean this harshly. I am in the midst of a crisis of who I am and feeling all sorrowful for all I don't have. But it's not helping and I need to find something else to give me a sense of being and purpose. Just a thought Ruby cxx

    1. Gosh this really resonates with me
      This is exactly how I feel
      I have no earthly clue who I am without the words addict or ED connected to me
      I have no idea who Ruby is
      I am going to write a post about this
      But thank you C
      As ever you make total and perfect sense x

  4. It mightn't be sobriety, but addiction isn't black or white. I think there's a middle ground where you're not necessarily using but you're not 100% clean either. But you're heading in the right direction, and that's all that counts, because you'll get there one day.

    Do you think you'd ask your doctor to reassess your meds? I know that's a tricky one, because I seek-and-hoard too. But has he got any idea of what timeframe he's looking at for taking you off methadone completely? I wonder if it'd help or hinder having a bigger picture of the plan.

    Being able to switch off is a big one for me, both with smoking and pharmaceuticals. Most of my meds sedate me quite a bit. I just need to be able to get out if my head for a while.

    I'm really glad to see you're thinking of seeing someone to talk to. Would your doctor be able to refer you to someone? Even if it takes a while to find someone you click with, I think it'd be a worthwhile pursuit.

    Lots of love <3

    1. Yes Bella I think you are right
      I am seeing my doctor tomorrow
      And am going to ask about seeing someone
      Even if it is just a general counsellor
      I need to

      Thank you for your continued support dear Bells
      As you know I am finding it very difficult to read your blog
      It just kills me to witness your suffering
      I thank you for understanding this
      And continuing to be my friend
      You are an angel x


Thank you for leaving some love x