Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Who, what, why and where?

I am very lucky and blessed to have some amazing readers/friends
Who read this blog and take time out of their day to leave thoughtful and insightful comments
After my last post
Lilly and C wrote about how I should try to start to define myself outside of my illness and diagnosis
They are so right
And really hit the nail on the head as to what is going on for me right now

I feel I am caught somewhere between my illness and recovery
Not quite sick anymore
But not 100% well either
I am dipping my toe in to life sans ED and addiction
But I haven't committed to anything
It's like I am hedging my bets
And keep both options open
Just in case
Just in case recovery doesn't work out
I will hold on to my ED and addiction
Just in case it's too scary or too hard
I will hold on to my addiction

I have made some progress
But the weight re-gain is only part of the battle
I know the real work happens on the inside
It takes months to physically recover
Years to recover mentally
And probably a life time to fully recover if that happens at all
It's a slow process
Too slow for an impatient person like me
Who wants everything now
Sometimes the process is so slow that I can't even see it
And it feels like I am standing still
It can be beyond frustrating

Back to the title of this post
Who am I without my ED and addiction?
Well, I know I am a young woman
I know I am a dog owner and confirmed animal lover
I know I am a swimmer
I know I love to write
The thing is that I don't know how to write about anything other my ED and addiction
I know nothing as intimately as I know them
I can't write about love
I can't write about death
I have no other life experiences to think of
Beyond that I have no earthly clue who I am
I don't know what sort of person I am
Am I quiet?
Am I loud?
Am I an extrovert?
You would think that I would know these things
But I really don't
I only know who I am in the grip of my illness
I don't know much more than that

What will my life be like without my ED and addiction?
Another tough question
My ED was/is like my job
My chosen career
Without it
I don't know what I would think about
What I would talk about
What I would spend my time doing
How would I fill the 24 hours that are in a day?
I know what you are thinking
I could do anything I want to
But where do I start?
How do you start your life over at 33?
I guess the answer to that is I find what I love
And do that
If I find a job that I love
I'll never have to work again

Why am I recovering?
People change for a reason
I stopped taking drugs because the negatives of that life were out weighing the positives
I quit smoking because I couldn't afford it anymore
So why am I choosing recovery from my ED?
Well, similar to the drugs scenario
It's getting old
I am getting too old for it
I am bored with it
I am sick and tired of it
I have had enough of making mine and my families life miserable
I want more out of this life

Where do I want to go?
As in life I mean
Do I want to spend the rest of my life hating myself?
And hurting myself?
I really don't have the energy for that
I just want a quiet life
And I want to give my family a break
God knows we need it

I guess it's a leap of faith
To use a much overused phrase
Even though I am terrified of life
I am more terrified of a life time of addiction and disordered eating
I won't always have my family around me
To bail me out
And save me from myself
I have to grow up at some point
I have to forge a new life for myself
And that is the scary part
I have a bucket load of insecurities
I'm afraid that I'm not smart enough
Not talkative enough
Not brave enough
Not pretty enough
I'm afraid that people won't like me
That I won't ever have enough money
I'm afraid I'll never make it on my own
That I'll never fall in love
Or have a family of my own
I'm so afraid

I have taken some steps to venture in to a new life
I now swim nearly every day
I talk to people in the leisure center
And pretend that I am a normal human being
I go to yoga
And try to fit in with cool zen people
I have even phoned my local dog shelter twice to volunteer
But no one has got back to me

The thing is
I always feel like a bit of a misfit
Like a square peg trying to fit in to a round hole
I feel like I'm not like everyone else
That I am just a little bit mad
But maybe everyone feels like that
I don't know
Do they?
Do you?

But I am glad that this is being addressed
As I'm sure it will go some way to helping me figure out this weird place that I in

On a lighter note
My mother told me today that I am doing well
And she is 'very proud' of me
That was nice to hear
It makes all this worthwhile


  1. I admire you terribly and am honoured to call you friend. Thank you.

    1. Ae thank you CP
      Such a lovely thing to say
      It is an honour to have you as a friend too x

  2. This was great to read Ruby. Even if you struggle to define yourself outside of your ED and addiction, you're trying to figure out who you are. Like you said, it's a slow process.

    Maybe we are a little mad. But all the best people are.


  3. How lovely to read this as I feel so many of the same things "who am I?"-wise. With the benefit of having a little distance from you personally, to me, it sounds like you are a whole lot of things without your ED - you don't need it to be you. There is so much there...enjoy the discovery of your wonderful self. <3


Thank you for leaving some love x