Euphoric Recall

I was looking back on my December posts from 2012 and 2013
To see what state of mind I was in back then
In 2012 I was in Australia for Christmas
I was almost at a healthy weight
But was still very eating disordered
I lost weight while there
And restricted quite a lot
As we were staying in a small house
And there wasn't really the opportunity to purge
I spent many days back then in tears I remember
The constant battle of will I or won't I eat was exhausting
I tried my best to enjoy myself
But my ED did it's level best to ruin it for me

And of course last year I was in treatment
I came home for Christmas itself
And we had a family wedding
Which I attended and it caused me no end of stress
We were staying in the hotel where the wedding was being held
I used to go back to my room early
And order room service
I remember a the end of the week
I was terrified about the bill I had clocked up
In the end it wasn't much at all
But still
It almost ruined my week

So
What is the moral of this story?
Well I think the moral is that Christmas is a tough time of year
Even for people in the full of their health  it can be a stressful time
And the moral also is that I need to give myself a break
And not beat myself up for not doing everything perfectly
I am doing my best to stay well
I am doing my best to stay sane
I am finding recovery especially hard right now
And my weight loss is massively triggering
I can feel that my clothes are looser
My face is thinner
And the spark in my eyes is fading
My family have noticed too

Although I hadn't stopped purging altogether over the last few months
I had drastically reduced it
From 10 - 20 times a day
To 1 - 3 : times a day
Still not perfect
But a big improvement
However I have noticed over the last few weeks that my purging has been getting worse and worse
I have been buying binge food
Eating in secret
And purging after every time I eat
And that is what leads to weight loss
Over the past couple of weeks
I've gone down a dress size
And am also down two points on my  BMI

I am still in the healthy weight range
Albeit on the low side
I'm not in any physical danger with regard to my weight
But of course we all know that the severity of our illness does not depend on weight
It's possible to have a relatively healthy body
But a very sick mind
And my mind is very sick at the moment

They say in AA
That all the while that you are in recovery
Your addiction is doing push ups
Meaning that all the time you are trying to stay well
Your addiction/ED is getting stronger and stronger
And just waiting for you to slip
The thing with a relapse is
That you pick up exactly where you left off
It is a progressive illness
So it gets worse over time
Not better

They also say that a slip/relapse happens long before you pick up with drug
Or purge/lose weight/drink/gamble
It's a sequence of events
That culminates in using
I know any time that I have relapsed on drugs
I can trace it back to something that happened long before I used the drug
It could start with something innocent
Maybe I watched a tv programme
And someone was using drugs
That would cause me to be triggered right there
And would plant a seed in my mind
Then I might have a vivid drug dream
So real that when I woke up I cried with relief that it wasn't real
Before I know it
I am thinking about drugs all the time
I think about the good times I had on drugs
Euphoric recall I think they call it
I think about how nice it would be to use
The feeling of warmth and comfort as the drug floods my body
Just once I tell myself
Just once

But I am not stupid
I know that there is no such thing as just once
Not for me anyway
Along with the good times of using
There were far more horrible, nasty and traumatic times
I must never forget that
For every fond memory
There are ten miserable ones
There is a  very good reason as to why I quit drugs

Anyway
Back to reality
It's Friday morning
I'm heading away for the weekend with my sister and Mother
Over to see my brother and his girlfriend
Part of me would love to stay home
And feel sorry for myself
But another part of me is glad of the distraction
I wasn't going to tell my Mother about what had happened
I didn't want to worry her
But in the end I did tell her

This is just a short post to let you know that I am ok
That I am hanging in there
I don't know if I will get to post over the weekend
But I will try
Thank you for your messages, emails and comments
They mean more than you will ever know