'Steady the ship'

It was yesterday afternoon
I was bored
Anxious
Feeling a bit low
I wanted to not feel at all
I wanted to check out of my own mind for a while
For reasons best known only to myself
I thought it would be a good idea if I took all
Yes all
Of my methadone
It was Wednesday
I had already taken that mornings dose
And had 4 doses left
I was in the living room
I got up
Calmly walked in to the kitchen
Opened the press where the meds are kept
Took out the bottle of methadone
And without a second thought
Knocked it back in to my mouth
I put the lid back on the bottle
Closed the press
And went back in to the living room

Cue panic
I had just taken my whole weeks worth of methadone
And I had just remembered that I was going to my brothers for the weekend
Fuck
Fuck
Fuckitty-fuck-fuck-fuck

I immediately regretted my actions
How stupid and impulsive am I?
Why can I not control myself?

About an hour later I started to get very sleep
My sister copped on straight away
I told her the truth
There was no point in denying it
I don't remember much about last night
I drifted in and out of sleep
My sister shouting at me when I nearly spilled my tea
I couldn't enjoy it thought
I was too worried about the rest of the week
I would have to go in to my doctor
There was just no other way around it
I would never last 4 days without my methadone

I set my alarm for early the next morning
How ever I didn't need to
As worry woke me up before it got bright
I lay in bed trying plotting and planning
I would have to ring to make an appointment
But I know I would never get one at such short notice
I could just show up
And say it was an emergency
I decided I would do that
But instead of going through the reception
I decided to go and wait directly outside my doctors door
Avoiding the receptionist
And making sure I saw him
Yes
That would work

At first
I thought I would tell my doctor that I spilled my methadone
That I was lifting it
And the top wasn't on properly
And it slipped through my hands
But in the end
I decided to be honest
Because I need to let people know where I am at
I need to ask for help
Because I do need it at the moment

It was so dark this morning
That for a minute I thought it was evening and I had slept straight through
Lea came with me
But Honey elected to stay on her chair in the kitchen
I was so nervous driving to town
There was no guarantee my doctor would replace the methadone
He wasn't obliged to
It was my responsibility to take my meds properly
It was my own fault that I had none left

I parked in the little carpark across from the surgery
It was just 9am
So I should catch him on his way down to his room
I bypassed the reception
And went and sat outside his room
I was only there a few seconds when he walked through the door
'Ruby' he said
Surprised to see me
'I don't have an appointment' I explained
'Would it be possible to see you?'
'Of course' he said
'Come in'
I followed him in to the room
And sat down beside his desk

He was just asking me a question
When his phone rang
He took the call and was talking for a few minutes
When he hung up
He went in to a rant about insurance companies
I wished he would stop talking so I could get out of there

I explained what I had done the previous day
I told him  that I had been craving
And struggling in general to keep things together
He asked me if I had used
I said I had not
He asked me if I was going to NA
I said I wasn't
He said it might be a good idea
I am starting to think that he might be right
I need some extra support
From people who understand
I can't do this alone
God knows I have tried

My doctor agreed to replace the meds
I was so relieved
Although he said that he would only do it this once
It was good of him really
He didn't have to
As I left
He told me that I need to 'steady the ship'
He is not wrong

Today I feel horrible
Hungover and groggy
And I look like death warmed up
I need to get back on track
I know better than most how quickly things can turn downwards
How all I have worked so hard for could slip through my fingers
I'm going to talk to my Mum and my sister today
And tell them I am struggling
Although I think they know already
I need help
And that's ok
I'm ok
Or at least I will be