What a difference a day makes.....

And that difference can be huge
Honestly and truly

I was feeling hopeful but weary this morning
I felt like I had a huge climb ahead of me
To get back on track
And I wasn't much looking forward to it
But first things first
I had to go to the chemist to pick up my meds
I wasn't looking forward to that either
Thought the staff would look down on me for being back at square one
But of course they didn't
They were lovely to me
I didn't even have to explain my being there
They got my methadone straight away
And I was off again

I was due to meet my friend from treatment today
She sent me a text saying she would be an hour late
I was feeling tired and emotional
And didn't feel like venturing out
So I asked her if she wanted to leave it for another day
But she said she would to see me
So we kept our date

After the chemist I set off for Grange
We were meeting in a local pub for coffee
I'm not the worlds most confident driver
So I cautiously made my way there
Then my next issue was where to park
To go in to the pub car park
Or park in the car park across the road where it was less busy
I went for the pub car park
Just to challenge myself
And luckily there was lots of room
It's funny the things that challenge us
I have no problem whizzing around the back roads near my house
But put me on a main road
And I do tend to get anxious

Anyway
I made it there safely
And settled in  to a seat near the wall
It is such a cozy pub
All exposed brick work
And wooden beams
I was early so I ordered a cup of tea
And played on my iphone
Until I heard my friend coming towards me
I greeted her with a big hug
And we immediately started to chat
It was lovely
And this friend really is such a good support
Not to mention an inspiration
It was just pure chance that we met in hospital
We both live near the same town
And have been firm friends ever since treatment last year

She has seen me at my very worst
When you are in treatment together
You go through so much
On meeting everyone you are so weak and tired and emotional
You spend almost every minute of every day together
You eat together
Go to group together
Everything together
I have such vivid memories of my time there
Laughing with the girls
Crying
Walking endless laps of the ground
Gathering every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning for weigh in
Post meal group
Curling our legs under us in our seats
Cooking group
Recreation group
Bloods every Tuesday morning
Which were always an ordeal for someone like me with rubbish veins
We were there so long
Some of us weeks
Some of us months
Some more than a year
We knew each other intimately
You don't spend that long with someone and not get to know them
It's a unique experience
Ever since last year I have met my friend every couple of weeks
We have a strong bond
And I love that
She is nothing short of amazing
She works
Runs a home
Rears 3 boys
And all while battling her illness
She truly is an inspiration
And she has always been very vocal in encouraging me
She tells me that I am unrecognizable from the person I was this time last year
Everything from my hair to my posture has improved she says
It's nice to hear

And we laughed
Thinking back on things that happened in treatment
Remembering all the girls there
And wondering how they are doing
We also exchanged Christmas gifts
Which was so lovely

I guess I am writing this post to tell you that I am pumped up and recharged
And ready to take the world
And my ED of course
Now
All of a sudden I remember what it feels like to feel alive
For the past few weeks I have been on the run
From myself
From my head
From life itself
I was actively numbing myself
Self medicating
Checking out of reality
Now I have been reminded that life is great
It's beautiful
It's full of surprises
And gifts
And wonder

I was feeling like a failure this morning
I didn't want to move outside the front door
I wanted to hide
To disappear
To vanish
But with a little help from my friend
I pushed myself
Pushed through the anxiety
And the fear
And ventured out in to the big wide world
And now I am so glad that I did

If you are reading this today
If you are feeling the way that I was this morning
I just want you to know that I know what that feels like
I have been there
Been there constantly for the last few weeks
I want you to know that if you can push past that feeling
And bring yourself to venture outside
Or where ever it is you want to go
There are amazing and wonderful things if you can just get past that feeling
Our EDs
And our addictions would have us believe that we are safe in our comfort zones
We have everything we need there
They tell us that going beyond that is too scary
Too anxiety provoking
But if we don't push past
Then we will never know what we are missing
I am the type of person who is a worrier
I worry about everything and anything
If I turned the cooker off
If I turned the lights in my car off
And I mostly worry about other people
What they think of me
If they like me or not
If they think what I am saying is stupid
I waste so much energy and time wondering what other think of me
But you know what?
It doesn't matter
The people who matter love me no matter what
The rest is a bonus
If they do they do
If they don't they don't
And that is ok
It's ok

I feel like I am getting back to the way I was before this slip
I feel optimistic
And hopeful
I feel alive
I truly feels alive

What a difference a day makes.........