Thursday, 26 March 2015

Day 3

Technically today is Day 5
But it's my third meeting so we will call it Day 3
I got to the lunch time meeting today 
And will go to the 7pm NA this evening
Which will be my first NA meeting
It's great to have lunch time meetings to go to
Because some days it can feel like forever waiting for the evening meeting 
And it's great to start the day off on a good start
Chicken soup for the soul
I know I would go everyday if they were on
But I get to about 3 or 4 a week
And that is great

It was a small meeting today
Just six of us
Creepy man was there 
So I did my best to avoid him
It was a lovely meeting
Some people were talking about nature and animals
So when it was my turn
I shared about Honey and Lea
And how much they have helped me
I also spoke about Lea 
And how her fur fell out when I went in to hospital
And then grew back when I began to recover
So I really enjoyed the meeting
I am getting used to speaking in front of others
And don't get so anxious before hand

I had a phone call from Mary's secretary
To tell me that Mary had to cancel today's appointment
I am disappointed
But hopefully will get to see her next week
It's something to look forward to

My confidence is slowly coming back
It really was non existent
I felt so low in myself
Couldn't find any redeeming features about myself
I felt like I left a trail of destruction in my wake
That I hurt everyone around
A burden
A no good
Eating disordered
Drug addicted
Waste of space
I really thought I had nothing to offer
That I was bad through and through
Bad to the bone
But you what I am starting to realise?
That I am not a bad person
I never was
I have done some amazingly stupid things in my time 
If there was a stupid Olympics 
I would win gold every time
But the person who hurt the most through all my shenanigans 
Was me
Now that I am clean and sober
I know that deep down 
I am inherently good
I want to do the right thing
I don't want to hurt myself or others
I want to be a good person

It's amazing the difference a few days and a few meetings can make
Almost three weeks ago
My world came tumbling down 
As my family found out about my using 
It rocked them to the core
My mother, my sister and I
Stood in my bedroom
Them demanding that I get rid of any drugs that were in the house
And my refusing to do it in front of them
I honestly can't remember the last time I saw my Mum so angry and upset
It shocked me

Fast forward three weeks
And things are a lot better
As quickly as things can go downhill
The can also turn around just as quickly
I fought with myself for so long about meetings 
And struggled to accept that I needed them
I wanted to do things my way
The Ruby way
It might have worked in the short term
But if I want a life free from drink and drugs
Then I need to have some sort of plan
And meetings are a good plan
I'm not entirely sure why they are so effective
Essentially an AA or NA meeting is a gathering of addicts
Who come together to exchange their experience, strength and hope
We sit and share
About our lives
And our addiction 
And most importantly about out recovery
I always come out of a meeting re energised 
And full of hope
They do the trick every time 

Now I am wondering why I avoided meetings for so long
I bobbed along 
On my own
Running on the fumes of recovery 
Holding on by my finger nails
It took me way too long to find my way back to the rooms
But at least I got there

I feel like I have a chance now
A chance of a good life 
Free from drink and drugs
And all the bullshit that goes with them
There is a woman at the meetings who calls the chairs 'priceless' seats 
She is right 
Those seats are precious 
And not to be taken for granted 
I just feel very grateful today 
For meetings
For my family 
My friends 
And my dogs
As they say
Count your blessings slowly
And one at a time 


  1. You ARE a good person, you've just made some bad choices in the past. I believe so much in you, Ruby.

    1. That means so much to me CP
      Having you and all the lovely ladies here behind me
      Makes me feel I can do this
      I can actually do this! X

  2. agree with above, love to hear you sounding so positive.who can say they have no regrets? you are trying hard to turn things around and that is amazing ,love Jo xx

    1. Thanks Jo
      I am doing my best
      And it seems to ge working
      Praise the Lord! X

  3. Cheering you on the whole way :) It's so refreshing to see you giving this 90 in 90 a go.
    Like cursum said (and my mum always says): You are not a bad person. You are a good person who's made bad/silly/dangerous choices.

    I hope all goes well with Mary next week. Sending love and hugs <3


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