Thursday, 26 March 2015

Meetings, Mary and many deep breathes

As I am finding out
90 meetings in 90 days is not as straight forward as you may think
I was due to go to an evening meeting last night
But then couldn't go as my meds had me quite sleepy 
And I didn't want to drive
So today is Day  3
And I am going to go to two today to make up for yesterday
Even though I'm only back at meetings a short while
I can already feel the benefits
My mood has lifted
I'm not craving a drink or drugs 
My head is clearer
The committee isn't as loud
I'm being more sociable
And my family have noticed too
I'm not so moody
Or irritable
Dare I say it
I'm behaving more like a normal person

Oh and I have some great news
I am seeing Mary today!
She rang me last week to arrange an appointment
And I am super excited to see her
For those of you that don't know
Mary is my ED therapist
I saw her for three years before the funding for her job was cut
But thankfully she has now been reinstated in her position
And I for one am delighted to have her back in my life
Mary is by far the best counsellor I have seen
I've seen many over the years
And most have tried to help
But only a couple really managed to

No doubt Mary will weigh me today
Which I am not looking forward to
When I last saw her
I was bordering on a healthy weight
But I'm sure that I look a lot different to the last time she saw me
I just keep having to remind myself that I am of a normal healthy weight
My weight is stable at a BMI of 20
And that is good

I still weigh myself every morning
For the last few mornings I've been bang on the same weight
I am ok with it
I'm not ecstatic about
I would love to weight five pounds less
But I accept this weight
And I am not actively trying to change it
But still
It will be hard to stand on another unfamiliar scale

In this country
We are known for our drinking
That's a stereotype
But we do as a nation drink a lot
Over the last few years 
Another craze has taken off
And that is fitness
In all forms
Cyclists regularly use our road 
And there are many  MAMILS
( Middle aged men in Lycra)
Now every where you look 
There are people kitted out in running gear
The colourful trainers
Tight black running leggings
Head bands
And of course headphones
They are everywhere
I see them when I walk my dogs 
When I look out my window
Buying healthy food in the supermarket
Going in to/ coming out of the gym
Oh yes
This new breed of people are taking over

I'm not a huge fan of working out 
Only that I have two dogs
I probably wouldn't walk every day
I tried running a couple of times
And hated every second of it
I don't wear proper work out clothes
And don't own a pair of trainers specifically for running 
When I walk I usually wear a track suit or jeans
And my high tops
I always feel over dressed as I pass all you lycra  loving ladies 

Why am I writing about this?
I guess because I'm feeling the pressure to fit in
To swap my high tops for high preformence trainers
And my comfy jeans for colourful Lycra
I feel the pressure to start jogging
To move more 
And eat less
I feel left out because I am not part of the 'fitness gang'

Years ago it was the trend to be super skinny
Now it seems to be all about getting healthy, strong and fit 
Which is more preferable to bring thin
But there is still pressure to conform 
I definitely feel it
But I know I have to be careful
As my ED can take over
And obsession kicks in
I guess a lot of us have to watch that
It would be nice to find a happy balance
To exercise for enjoyment and health
And not to lose weight

I was wondering about you
Do you feel pressure to exercise and work out?
Have you ever like me battled exercise addiction?
Do you exercise now?
I'd love to know 


  1. I used to walk, a lot. I think more than anything walking helped with anxiety and stress, I would walk miles. I can't now, due to my crap body! I'd say find an exercise that you enjoy, one that is easily accessible, and be aware of your over doing things. good luck with the meetings. em x

    1. Hey Em, before Xmas I was swimming a lot
      I would love to get back to it but it's hard to find the motivation
      I definitely agree though
      Find something you love and it's not like work at all x

  2. Oh, I hope your meeting with Mary goes well dear!
    Hm, the 90 meetings thing sounds like it's working out well for you :)
    Ah, you don't have to fit in! Be who you want ^^ you are always beautiful if you are yourself,


  3. I exercise fairly regularly but it is because I like to and want to, not because I feel the need to. I find I am a lot unhappier when I'm not getting out and about. I run with a running club so it's social, and more about having the chats than anything else- there's a slow group of us of all different shapes and sizes and backgrounds and goals and there's always a good conversation to be had! I race too quite a bit but again for the fun of it and the atmosphere not to worry about times- when I catch myself getting caught up in this I try to take a step back. I love swimming too- if I'm stressed out I know a steady swim will help. I'm a member of a uni gym and there are lots of toned late teens/early twenties girls in lovely gym clothes- that unerves me a little bit sometimes, but as long as I keep telling myself 'you're in your 30s- you're meant to look like a woman not a girl' I can tune them out!
    The key thing I think is finding something that you enjoy- exercise is so good for mental health, but not if it in itself causes a stress. Your daily walk with Honey and Lea sounds ideal- buy yourself some nice workout clothes if you like- but only because YOU want to not because you have to (Penney's do fairly nice workout clothes now if you want a cheap option!). What about trying something like aqua aerobics after the 90 in 90- then you would get the social bit in too, and have a regular activity to structure your day. H x

  4. I think some people in the fitness gang are just hiding their ED


Thank you for leaving some love x