Saturday, 28 March 2015

Saturday

Another day 
Another meeting 
Myself and Marie decided to go to the next town for our meetibg yesterday 
Just for a change
And I wanted to reconnect with people who I used to know
I moved to this area 10 years ago this summer
And started going to meetings pretty much straight away
Mostly NA
But there were only two a week back then
Now there's one most days
Back then there was very few women at the meetings
Do I used to hang around with the men
There were two men in particular that I was very close to
They were in their fifties 
But I got on great with them
One especially became a family friend 
And was a great support to my mother also
Over time o drifted away from the meetings
And over the next few years I was in and out of the rooms regularly

So I picked Marie up at about 7pm
And we headed in to town
We arrived a few minutes late 
And skipped in to the room and in to two free chairs
I recognised a couple of faces straight away
And whispered hello
It was only when I looked around
That I realised that it was all males
I suddenly had a thought that maybe this was an all male meeting
I was going to ask 
But I figured someone would have said if it was

I sat beside a guy who I used to be great friends with
His name is Damien
Back in 2007/2008 we spent a lot of time together
It was around then that I was hospitalised  for my anorexia
I remember Damien calling up to me every evening
He would bring the paper
And we would do the crossword
We were constantly in and out of the ward going for cigarettes
Him pushing me in my wheelchair
And me in my fleecy pyjamas and hat and scarf 
Trying to ward off the cold that had hit in to my bones
He was a great friend
But again
We drifted apart
I was slipping and sliding
And he moved on
It was so good to see him last night
We had a big hug
And a quick catch up after the meeting
He asked about my mum
And the dogs
And we laughed about old times
It did my soul good

It was quite nerve racking being in a meeting of all fellas
And they were young guys too
I could feel my heart thumping in my chest as I tried to muster up the courage to speak
But I did it 
I shared about where I am at
And how I'm trying to get back on track

There was one guy there who I've known on and off for years 
When he was sharing
He said it was really good to see me
He said that he remembered a meeting once where it was just him and me
I could feel the anxiety in me rising
I remember that meeting
I shared something with him that I really regret
I won't go in to what I said 
But let's just say it left me in a very vulnerable position
I had hoped this guy had forgotten about it 
But he obviously hasn't
It made me feel super uncomfortable
 
Apart from that
It was a great meeting
I really got a lot out of it
It was so lovely to see some familiar faces
And so good to the amazing recovery that people have
I want that 
I want to be well so badly now
They say in meetings
That the only requirement is a desire to stop using and drinking
I can honestly say now
 That I have that desire 
And the more meetings I go to
And the more I listen to others share
It confirms in my mind that this is the right thing to do
And I am on the right path
I just feel so blessed
And so very lucky 
To have been given this second chance
And if a relapse was what it took to get me here
Then I can honestly say that it was worth it
They say everything happens for a reason
I subscribe to that way of thinking for sure

At the end of the meeting 
It was asked if anyone had any recognised clean time
One guy had a year
And everyone clapped
Then I was asked how long I was clean
I said three weeks
And everyone clapped and said well done
I know three weeks isnt a long time
But to me it's a first step

I am now a week back at meetings
And I am reaping the benefits in so many ways
My head is a much nicer place to be 
I feel so much more positive
I actually don't mind living in reality when I feel like this
I have no cravings
No urge to drink or use
No desire to contact The Boy
He now seems like a distant memory
I have hope now
Hope that there is life beyond my ED and addiction
Hope that I can be the person that I've always wanted to be
A good person 
A person who does the right thing
Someone you can rely on
And also the social side of meetings is great
I'm meeting so many people
And that is great for me
I was spending so much time on my own
That I forgot how nice it feels to be around people
To chat
To laugh
To identify and relate
To connect
To hug 
You can't beat that feeling 
And of course my feeling better has rippled out to the rest of my family
They can see that I am making the effort
And although they might not fully trust me yet
They can relax a little

Myself and Marie were chatting on the way home from the meeting
She really has been such a good friend to me
When a lot of people would have nothing to do with me
She was always there
Never gave up on me 
That means so much to me and I am eternally grateful to her
I used to wonder why I attracted unsavoury people
Crazy people
Junkies 
Trouble makers
I now see that it was because like attracts like
I have out those vibes
And so attracted those types of people
But now the opposite seems to be happening
I seem to be attracting good people
Honest people 
And that is amazing 
It means that they are the kind of vibes that I am sending out
That makes me feel so happy

It's funny 
As quickly as life can go down hill
It can also turn around just as fast
I feel hopeful now
Like I really have a chance to get my life back on track
I have been through a lot in my 33 years
I'm lucky to have made it this far relatively unscathed
I believe my struggles have a purpose
I'm not entirely sure what that purpose is yet
But I'm sure if I keep doing the right thing
Then more will be revealed 

Tonight Marie and I are going to another new meeting
And I am glad to say that I am looking forward to it
It's a good day today
It good to be alive and kicking
To feel good in myself
Now I just have to work hard to maintain this feeling
I hope I can do it
I think I can 
I really think I can 

9 comments:

  1. I think you can, too :-)

    I also believe that everything happens for a reason, and if slipping meant granting you a better foothold further down the path, then it was worth. No journey is flat and uneventful, and if it is then there is nothing to learn from it. There will always be peaks and troughs, but remember that even from the troughs you can see the stars if your perspective is right xxx

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    Replies
    1. For sure Cheryl
      This time two months ago
      Getting to a meeting seemed impossible
      Like an insurmountable task
      I have no doubt that if I hadn't relapsed
      I would still not be going to meetings
      Still living in limbo
      I now feel so different
      So positive about the future
      It blows my mind!

      Thank you for you thoughtful comments
      They always make me smile x

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  2. Ah, it's nice that you got to catch up with old friends :) and I'm sorry that made you uncomfortable, hope you still liked the meeting though!
    Hey, baby steps are still steps, and you are very determined. I am sure you can maintain this feeling dear :)

    (by the way, my blog is now at tiredteenagefailure, I changed the url of it)

    Love,
    Christie

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    Replies
    1. It was so good to see then Christie
      I hope to see much more of them

      Oh you changed your URL
      Why did you do that?
      Hope all ok? X

      Delete
    2. I hope you see more of them too. I'm sure you will.
      Ah, I felt like my old URL was too...pro-ana shall we say, and the new one reflected me better.

      Love,
      Christie (now off to comment on new posts)

      Delete
  3. you make me happy when you write like this, like every things possible if you want it enough.thankyou. jo xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so glad Jo
      Keep hanging in there
      I believe in you so much x

      Delete
  4. Good that your head is a better place to be than before and even three weeks seem to be good. It's always sad to grow apart with some people that we were close to but nice that you could meet them again after long time.

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Thank you for leaving some love x