Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Damage limitation

Thank you all
For your feedback and support after my last post
I guess it was only a matter of time before The Boy reared his head again
I was just coasting along
Happy as Larry
Thinking all was well
And then I got that phone call
It really threw me
Especially knowing that my ex boyfriend is now around too
When I'm out
My heart stops when I see a green jeep
And there are many green jeeps around here
So it makes for interesting times when I'm out and about

Several people contacted me yesterday to tell me to block The Boys number
I keep going to do this 
But something stops me
I guess there is part of me that wants to know that he wants to see me
If that makes sense
It's twisted thinking I know
But then that's me all over

As I said yesterday
I haven't told my sister or my mother
As I don't want to worry them
But in actual fact
My sister read my blog
So she knows
And is doing my head in about it
We had a fight last night
Because I don't want to talk about it
I don't really see the point
I know what I need to do
And I am trying to do it

I saw Breda yesterday
My addiction counsellor
I told her about the phone call
She was helpful
And made some good suggestions
It was good to talk it over with someone who is not directly involved
And can give an objective perspective
She is trying to help me build up my confidence
And self esteem
Back in January
When I relapsed 
I had no resistance against the drug
And when it was put in front of me
I didn't have the strength to say no
But this time 
I have some recovery behind me
I feel stronger
More stable
More secure
I have the capability 
And the strength to say no
And that's down to the work I've done over the last couple of months
It just goes to show
How much the meetings help

Breda asked me how I felt about knowing these two guys were so close by
And what they were doing
I had to admit
It does play on my mind a little bit
Sometimes I go to the dark side
And I start thinking that they're having a great ol' time
Drinking poppy tea
Smoking weed 
And generally getting messed up
And out of their heads
Then I start thinking that I am missing out
Then I start to resent my family
Because they're the reason I can't use
Then I get really angry 
And lash out at my family
I have to keep reminding myself 
Of where I will be if I contact these guys
And use
I have to remember of where that life will bring me
The damage it will cause
The devastation
The heartache
Then I remember that I want a better life for myself
That I want to be clean and sober
I really do

So no
I don't feel like I am missing out
They are the ones who are missing out 
They are missing out on their whole lives
At least I am trying to forge a new life for myself
A better life
And as hard as it is to choose to live in reality
I stand by my decision 

12 comments:

  1. Addictions are hard Ruby... we all have them... some with deeper addictions but we all have them. They are not simple to overcome... I know... when I decided to change I had to cut people out, not because I don't care about them but because I care about myself.

    The boy is wrong to be so pushy, he's not being a friend and I understand your sisters concern as she has has to deal with all your ups and downs but fighting with you won't help.

    I hope you keep choosing you Ruby because you are worth it... ♡

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Launna
      And good to hear from you
      Addiction is such a devastating thing
      But I am doing my level best to get back on track x

      Delete
  2. You are so strong, Ruby, but addictions are sneaky. Trust your gut. There is so much in this world worth going straight for!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know about strong CP
      More like stubborn
      But thank you x

      Delete
  3. stay strong,sorry i have no great words of wisdom but you seem to be doing the right things.always thinking of you, jo x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jo
      It means a lot
      You've been a good friend to me
      And I am grateful for that x

      Delete
  4. Great honesty.

    I.truly believe you can be addicted to people if you are already that way inclined.

    Also, I'm sure you know the "fun" that they are having isn't really all that fun. Anyway you've been there, done that, so it's onwards and upwards for you!

    I think you'll have to find a.fun substitute. There are plenty of great online things to do. Even ebay is a good distraction. I just find keeping busy at all times gets you through.

    X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do need to find other interests Shelby
      Healthy one
      And as you say keep busy
      I find distraction is a great way to stay out of trouble
      Thanks for your suggestions hun x

      Delete
  5. Addictions grab us by the gut and brain and try to yank us back but you are so much stronger than it is.
    You have identified that the snapping and the lashing out is due to that, that it has a negative affect on you and your family, and that it's hard. You are so wonderfully strong Ruby, I wish you'd see yourself as you are.
    Capable, Beautiful, Strong, Empowering and so much more and always surrounded by support.
    Take care my dear, it wouldn't be addiction if it wasn't hard to beat it, and it's a fight you are winning.
    Love you lots
    Mandy xx <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Mandy
      I'm feeling a lot better today
      Strong
      And I know what I need to do
      I'm blessed to have such a great support network around me
      Especially here on blogger

      Love you too x

      Delete
  6. I Think As Well We all like to feel wanted and needed to varying degrees so that's probably why you like to know of he's missing.you and whatever. I believe the answer is to realize you are wanted and needed just not in that shallow short term way that relationships like that and certain circles can provide.

    Most importantly YOU need YOU. And you need the sober you who has a future and dreams that aren't ED or drugs x

    ReplyDelete
  7. I know it's been said before, but you are so much better off without this guy in your life. You don't want to fall back into that lifestyle, I know you. You are stronger than this and you just need to block his number and forget about it. That part of your life is over and I know you have the strength in you to move past all of this. Keep your head up Ruby, you are strong and you are beautiful.
    XOXO

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x