Sunday, 26 April 2015

The Boy bites back

It was Saturday evening
I had just had s great day with my mum and sister
We climbed a mountain
Then went for dinner
And I was generally feeling really good
Happy to be alive
Grateful to be clean and sober 
Feeling content
And dare I say it, happy?
We had just come home
I sat with the dogs for a while
Plugged in my phone to charge
And settled down in front of the telly with a cup of tea

I was watching The Cube
When my phone rang
Thinking it was my friend who I had just texted
I jumped up to answer it
I looked at the screen
And to my shock and surprise
Saw it was The Boy
I stared at the phone 
Not knowing what the hell to do
My sister saw my face
And asked me what was wrong
I told her nothing
That it was a private number 
I didn't want to tell her who it really was 
And possibly worry her

Needless to say
I didn't answer it
I sat back down
Feeling shook and anxious
Then my phone pinged a message
I checked it
And it was a voice mail
I dialled 171
And listened to the message
It was him
Asking me to ring him
And also telling me that my ex boyfriend was staying with him for a while
And did I want to meet up
I hung up
And felt stunned
Seconds later my phone pinged again
A text message
Asking me to ring him 
If I wanted 'plenty of tea'
I put the phone down
And tried to process this information
I haven't heard from The Boy in quite a while
So this is really out of the blue
I actually had a physical reaction
My heart was racing
As were my thoughts
I felt shakey and unstable
And I would have killed for a smoke just for something to do

It really unsettles me to know that both The Boy and my ex boyfriend are in my area
Having poppy tea
And probably plenty more besides I'm guessing 
I really don't want to know what they are doing
What drugs are available
I would rather not know
And live in blissful ignorance

It's now Monday
Two days since he rang
I haven't texted or rang him back 
It hasn't even been an option 
I know I can't
I have too much to lose
Things are just getting back to normal after the last debacle
I think my mum would lose her mind if I used again
I don't want her to have to go through that again

We moved up here ten years ago to get away from the drug scene
Yes it was a geographical
And no that's not the answer
But it gave us a chance for a fresh start
And gave us breathing space
And time to heal
But now it seems like my old life is catching up with me
And I don't like it
I don't like it at all

So the plan is damage limitation
I haven't told my mum or my sister 
Maybe I should
But I don't want to worry them
I'm seeing Breda this morning so I will talk to her and hatch a plan
I just really don't need this right now
Things are just starting to turn around for me
Abd this is really a test
A test for my willpower
For my resolve
My will to recover
But I feel pretty sure that I won't use
At least I hope I won't 


16 comments:

  1. Oh my god Ruby I am so freaking proud of you you have no idea *-* <3
    You didn't pick up, you didn't answer, you're going to talk about it to a professional omg I just *HUGS*
    You are awesome.
    These are the little battles that PROVE you are fighting, and what's more, willing to fight. You are so strong dear Ruby.

    I know exactly what you mean about getting a physical reaction from a phone call.
    I used to get it with every phone call - but my phobia (or whatever you want to call it) of calls is something I'm working hard at. Now it only happens when I get a call from someone I'm in an argument with, or if the call is unexpected.
    My heartbeat thumps so hard and loud that Joe (my boyfriend) got really worried when my summer employer called me out of the blue and I told him to feel my heart.
    It's horrible that fucking anxiety.

    You are creating new circles and breaking out of the toxic ones. The minute you poke you'r head in to the old circles, you are back in that world, but you know that there is another focus on life, another section of the world that is so much better. The world is so much bigger than what we make it, and I think you see that now.
    I'm so proud of you darling.
    Take care of yourself
    Mandy xx

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    Replies
    1. Aw thank you Mandy for your kind words
      And for your continued support
      It means more than you know

      It wasn't even an option to answer that call
      I know I can't go back there
      I have to much to lose now
      I've fought hard to get clean and sober
      And I really don't want to throw that away

      Anxiety is a funny thing
      I wish I could be anxiety free
      As it makes life so difficult

      Take care my dear friend x

      Delete
  2. The ghosts of our pasts really do show up when we're doing so great.
    I feel like this incident is the universe presenting you with your past,
    and it's trying to see how you will react.
    I think you've reacted in the best way possible, Ruby.
    You're very strong and you know you have come such a long, long way...
    and you know there is more in store for your life than resorting back to dangerous habits with dangerous people who probably don't have the best intentions for you.

    Take care, darling. Don't be hard on yourself about this.
    Remember how strong you are and how far you've come, x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Lola
      Yes it seems that sometimes these things are sent to test us
      And I am doing my best to pass the test
      I think before I relapsed
      I had no resistance to the drug
      But now I do
      And I feel much stronger x

      Delete
  3. Well done for not answering/ not responding- that must have taken a lot of strength. I hope once the anxiety died down you patted yourself on the bag for your progress. Can I ask why you don't want to tell your mum/sister? I can understand if you don't want to worry them but maybe this is a nice opportunity to show them that you are making good decisions? Great that you can talk to Breda. Well done again for being so strong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My sister actually read my blog
      So she knows
      And is doing my head in about it
      Yea the main reason is that I don't want to worry them
      Maybe that's not the right thing to do
      But it's the only way I can deal with this
      You know? X

      Delete
  4. Yeah that makes sense. It's a difficult situation but it sounds like you are really trying so don't forget to stop and be proud of yourself for making good choices towards recovery.

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  5. I echo the thoughts of the previous commenters, who have so eloquently stated what I was thinking. This was definitely a test of willpower, which you have passed. Continue to be strong, seeking encouragement and assistance from those who love you while distancing yourself from those who would do you harm. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Hydra
      And good to hear from you
      Hope you're well x

      Delete
  6. My advice is Stay As Busy As You Possibly Can.
    You are worthy of a new life. You are going forward not back. Praying for you ruby. These guys....they aren't worth the bother. X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good advice shelby
      And I am trying to stay busy and get in lots of meetings
      I need all the help I can get right now x

      Delete
  7. Is there a reason you can't block his number? Spare yourself the heartache.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There is no reason Tempest
      I don't know why it's so hard x

      Delete
  8. I was wondering how long he'd stay quiet for... I'm really proud of you for not answering. Like, really proud.

    I think the best thing you can do is to ignore him. Like Tempest said, block his number. Your old life doesn't have to catch up with you. The Boy is the only part that has partially. The rest you can still keep at bay.

    I know there's still a challenge ahead, but I'm hoping you can find the strength to make it through. Feel free to drop me an email if you get tempted to text him, okay?

    Love you Ruby. Keep hanging in there <3 xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Bella
      You know me well
      I guess it was only a matter of time before this happened
      At least now I am more prepared to say no
      Or ignore the call at least

      I just have too much to lose now
      So I will keep going
      Now if only I could block his number.....

      Love you too x

      Delete
  9. I know I said this on the other post, but I am very glad that you decided not to text him back. Just imagine the shit storm that would cause in your life, and you don't need that. You're happy (your words) and sober and you don't want to go back to that lifestyle. You're doing awesome and I would hate to see that all go up in smoke because of a boy that is no good for you. Stay strong dear.
    XOXO

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Thank you for leaving some love x