General Update

It's Friday 

And I am getting browner by the day

I just signed up to my second round of one hundred minutes on the sun shower

And even bought tan accelerator lotion 

Which cost €28 

And better be bloody worth it

During the summer

A tan is essential for me

It's the only way I can face wearing less clothes

I live in Ireland 

So I'm probably being presumptuous thinking that the weather will be good

But

I live in hope that the sun will shine

And I will have to peel the layers of clothes off me

I can compare tanning to an eating disorder

You know the way when you are in the grip of the illness?

And you are losing weight

I know I used to always tell myself 

Just ten more pounds

Just five more pounds

Just two more

Well it's similar with tanning

I think to myself

I just want to get a little bit browner

Just a teeny weeny little bit

The goal posts are always shifting

And you never get to a place where you are happy

You always want to push it that bit further

In other news

My weight seems to have stabilised 

At a BMI of 19-20

I can live with that

I can handle it

When I was a lot thinner

A BMI of 19 was the worst thing I could think of

And the funny thing is

That I now feel smaller than I did when I had a BMI of 13

Go figure

I am still reeling from the news of that guy  who died 

I was in touch with a school friend

Who told me that this guy was just out of rehab

And had relapsed days after leaving

That's the thing with relapsing

After being clean got done time

We become opiate naive

Which means that our tolerance is very low

And do the risk of overdosing massively increases

I know this guy has been struggling with addiction for a long time

And now drugs have claimed another young life

It's just not right 

He would have been around the same age as me

His younger sister was in my class in school

It's just so sad 

As I know his family fought endlessly to get him clean

But unfortunately 

Others can't get clean for us

They can't get us well

It has to come from the person

I know that if love and support could  have got me clean

I would have gotten well a long time ago

I'm still attending meetings

And have swapped numbers with some members 

The thing about meetings 

Is that they are open to anyone

Anyone who wants to get clean and sober

There can be a lot of sick people in those rooms

Heck even I'm sick

There are people  who have an agenda

Or who just want to hook up

They say that we should stick with the winners 

People who are doing well 

And who have good recovery behind them

So that's what I try to do

I think that you get back what you put out

Do if you are sending out vibes that you use

Then you will attract that kind of person

And if you project that you are clean and sober 

I think you attract that kind of person too

My anxiety seems to have lessened an awful lot

It really was taking over my life

And effecting everything I did

It's a horrible place to be in 

And fear and paranoia are best buds with anxiety 

I'm not sure why 

But in the last few days 

I feel more grounded

More steady

Stable

I feel a bit stronger in myself

More able to cope

The relief is massive 

The fact that I can talk to someone 

Or drive somewhere

Without the feeling that I am going to have a complete meltdown 

Is a freakin' miracle people!

I tell ya 

It has transformed my whole life

And it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders 

Like I can breathe again

And that in turn has hugely helped my confidence

The fact that I can get on with my day and not feel like I want to curl up in a ball in the corner of the room and cry like a hungry baby

It's progress

I'm moving in the right direction 

At least I think I am

Tonight 

As in tomorrow morning 

At 4 15am

The annual Pieta House 5km darkness to light walk is on

You might remember that I did this walk with my mum last year

Pieta House deals with people who are suicidal or self harming 

They provide their services got free and they are based all over the world

And the walk takes place every year

The walk starts at 4 15am

In the pitch dark 

And as we walk the light seeps in

The birds begin to sing

And it's very poignant

And very moving

I love to do this walk 

As Pieta House provide such a great service

And suicide is a huge problem in this country

Especially with young men

I think most of us have been affected by suicide 

Whether we know someone who has attempted to end their life

Or maybe we ourselves have attempted

So I think it's a really worthwhile cause to support

Even though we will have to get up at 3am

I still don't mind

If it helps some one 

Then it is more than worth it

And yes

I will post photos of said walk tomorrow

That's all from me today   

Enjoy your Friday x