HP

It's Tuesday

Yesterday was a bank holiday

So as I write this 

I am sitting in the waiting room of the doctors

I don't particularly like bank holidays 

There's something kind of lonely about them 

And spent much of yesterday comatose on the couch

Asleep at least 

I really wanted to get to a meeting last night

I hadn't been to one since last Wednesday

And really needed to get back on the horse

I was planning on going to an NA

But was having a lot of trouble trying to peel myself off said couch

Everyone keeps telling that I should ask for help

From God

From my Higher Power

From whoever it is that watches over me

So I decided to give it a go

It went something like this 

Hello?

Em hi it's Ruby here

But you already know that

I know I don't talk to you as much as I should 

And I only do when I need something

But I really need your help right now

Please help me find the strength to go back to meetings

Please help me put last Wednesday behind me

I really need these meetings 

So it would be great if you could sort that out

Lots of love, Ruby 

I wasn't expecting anything to happen

But not five minutes later 

Marie texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a meeting

Mmm truth is stranger than fiction

She never texts on a Monday 

As she has college

But because of the bank holiday

She was off

I  texted her back that I would love to go

And we arranged to meet

Was that my higher power at work?

You tell me......

I called in to Marie for 8pm

We picked up another girl

And set off for the meeting

Which was about half an hour away

I was not looking forward to the drive

As my paranoid head had me convinced that the girl we picked up doesn't like me

But what's new?

I never believe that anyone likes me

Maybe because I don't like myself

We arrived at the meeting a little late

We slipped in the door 

And took the nearest seats

It was a women only meeting

And I was glad 

It was actually my first one 

Despite my anxiety

There was a lovely atmosphere in the room

And I felt instantly relaxed

One by one 

The speakers went around the room

It was coming up on my turn

And since my last little prayer went so well I decided to say another one

To ask my HP to help me to speak honestly and openly

And to not feel afraid or anxious

I spoke

As honestly as I could 

I felt only a little anxiety

And it felt amazing to talk so freely

It really was a lovely meeting

With some amazing ladies

I was so glad I went

And so grateful to my friends for their support

In my car on the way home

I turned down my radio

And spoke out loud on my own in the car

Thanking my HP for pulling me through 

For helping me get to a meeting

For bringing such wonderful people in to my life

And for helping me believe in myself again

People

I am a believer

Maybe there is more to this Higher Power than I first thought

I've often heard people at meetings talk about God as they understand him

And there's a lot of talk about God doing for us what we can't do for ourselves

It never really meant that much to me

But I am beginning to see how it can help

And it is a comforting thought to think that there is something 

Something bigger than me

Than all of us

That is watching over

And looking after me

I don't know if I believe in God in the traditional sense

But my mum always tells me to pray to my grandmother who died a couple of months after I was born

That makes more sense to me than an all powerful God

We keep a note pad on the counter in our kitchen

To write down shopping lists and such

Yesterday I noticed that my sister had left me a little note that said

Go to a meeting!!

God could and would if he were sought!

It was lovely to see it

And it really spurred me on to go to a meeting 

And I'm so glad that I went last night

It did me the world of good

I feel like I'm back on track now

Back on the horse

My dad is down for a few days

And we were chatting this morning

I was telling him what happened at the meeting last week

He asked me if I am a people pleaser

I asked him if he thought I was 

He said he did

My father is the type of person who says what he thinks

And doesn't worry about trying to please all of the people all of the time

He said that must be exhausting 

And it is absolutely 

I admit it

I really worry what others think of me

And do my best to get people to like me

My dad said that people pleasing backfires 

That people would in fact have more respect for me if I spoke my mind 

And said what was true for me

I'm thinking he is right

And it's something that I really want to work on

The fact is

That my confidence

And self esteem is on the floor

I need to build myself up

To be more sure of myself

To be able to speak my mind

And not be such a timid little mouse all the time 

I'm a prime target for bullies and the like

And I don't want to be

I guess this is all stuff that I can work on

And I know of I keep doing what I'm doing

My confidence and self esteem will grow and grow

I just need to keep plugging away at recovery

So that's what I will do

I was wondering about you

Do you believe in God or a higher power?

How does your faith help you?

Do you think it's important to have faith in recover?

And also

Are you a people pleaser?

Or if you used to be

How did you break the cycle of it?

I would love to know.....