It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you

Over the last couple of months

My world has got a lot bigger and broader 

Rewind 18 months and I am just out of treatment

Feeling afraid

Hopeless

And utterly distraught

Not knowing where to turn

So I chose the only option I had left 

Death

And tried to overdose on my meds

Thankfully I didn't die

Although at the time I was so angry to wake up

Mary intervened when I told her the following week

She really jumped in to action

I saw my doctor and my psychiatrists 

My meds were changed

Olanzapine (anti anxiety) was increased

And another anti depressant was introduced (Prozac)

Then it was a waiting game

To see if the change in meds would work

To see how long I could hold on before losing my shit and my mind again

I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened 

I know it was around April last year 

My mood began to lift

In a really noticeable way

My anxiety lessened

And when I woke up in the morning

I wasn't dreading the day ahead

I can remember standing in the shower on day

And feeling bigger

I stood on the scales

And I had begun to gain weight

At first it was soul destroying 

I couldn't stand myself

But then I began to see the benefits of weight gain

Feeling better

More clear minded

Happier

More energetic

Granted 

My weight increased to a point where I was comfortable 

To about 138 pounds 

It didn't suit me

And I continued to gain weight after I gave up smoking

And then

Suddenly 

Just as quickly as I gained the weight 

I began to lose it again

And my weight is now stable at 117-120 pounds

I can just about live with that

So much has happened in the last year

I got my teeth done

I gave  up smoking 

I had my toes done

I got glasses

But I still felt like something was missing

I wasn't feeling great around Christmas time

And soon after

I relapsed on drugs

That lasted about five weeks

I hurt many people

Including myself

Lost some people for good 

Almost lost my family

It was an horrific time

There was such a horrible atmosphere at home

I had to do something to get back on track

So I went back to meetings

And began seeing an addiction counsellor

And so my cocooned little world began to expand

I had a lot of help

My long suffering family

My best friend Marie

And all the professionals that I see

It is a joint effort

And everyone plays a crucial part

I am now meeting and seeing a lot of people

And this causes me massive anxiety

My confidence has taken such a battering recently 

And my self esteem is on the floor 

I am still trying to like myself

Never mind love myself

And I always presume that people don't like me

My mother and sister tell me that I am paranoid

But I'm not convinced 

I get a notion in my head

That someone doesn't like me

And then I look for evidence to support this

And disregard any evidence that they do like me

I've been seeing this girl around

She is a friend of Marie's

I was convinced that this girl didn't like me

And seeing her was becoming an ordeal

Then one day Marie told me that this girl was asking after me

I was really surprised

And then she sent me a friend request on Facebook

I was even more surprised

It really meant a lot 

Like she was asking me to be her friend

And letting me know that she likes me

It's the little things people

I guess it's because I don't like myself very much

That I can't understand why anyone else would like

I really feel that bad about myself

Yesterday I got a text from another girl 

Inviting me to a meal out with the NA crowd 

To celebrate a members ten year clean time

Again I was really surprised that I was invited

That it even occurred to this girl to include me 

It's a sad situation that I feel this low about myself 

But I do

I've spoken to Mary about this

And she assures me that if I keep doing what I'm doing

Then my confidence and self esteem will improve

I sincerely hope it does

Because it's just horrible feeling this way

To be so hyper sensitive

And to hate on myself so much

And the thing is

I think it takes quite a lot for me not to like someone

I get on with most people

And I love meeting new people

And making new friends

But my paranoia gets in the way of forming long lasting friendships

I always feel like I say the wrong thing

Or put my foot in it

And then spend weeks beating myself up about it

I bully myself in a lot of ways

Even here on blogger

I am always blown away by the kind an thoughtful comments that people write here every single day

The friends that I have made here mean so much to me

Do much more than you will ever know

I truly value and treasure each and everyone of you

And to be welcomed in to this community with open arms has warned my heart over and over again

This is the reason that I used drugs 

And my ED

Because I couldn't stand myself

Because I hated the person I was

Because I felt useless and hopeless

Because I had zero confidence 

And not an iota of self belief 

So trying to navigate through life without these crutches is not an easy task

I know have to find new and healthy ways of coping 

By attending meetings

Talking to friends who are in recovery

By being gentle with myself

And bring kind to myself

It's all so new

But I am doing my best to keep my mind and body relatively well

I've had a couple of comments recently

That I look like I am losing weight again

But in fact my weight is more stable than its been in years

I don't think I am losing weight

I think it's just that my weight is settling

And it's only now becoming noticeable 

In spite of the way I am feeling

I will plough on

I'm not about to give up

On you or myself

I have way too much to lose now

I am hoping and praying

That my perception of myself will improve

It sure as hell can't get any worse

Do I will continue to fight 

To fight for a better life

For peace of mind

For a happy mind and body

I'll do it for my family 

For Honey and Lea

Who rely on me so much

And who I refuse to let down 

And for myself 

There is just no other option right now

I was wondering about you

Have you ever suffered with a lack of confidence?

How did you deal with it?

What helped you find your confidence?

Do you ever experience paranoia? 

What helped you overcome this?

Do let me know if you have any tips or advice in this regard