Sunday, 17 May 2015

It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you

Over the last couple of months
My world has got a lot bigger and broader 
Rewind 18 months and I am just out of treatment
Feeling afraid
Hopeless
And utterly distraught
Not knowing where to turn
So I chose the only option I had left 
Death
And tried to overdose on my meds
Thankfully I didn't die
Although at the time I was so angry to wake up
Mary intervened when I told her the following week
She really jumped in to action
I saw my doctor and my psychiatrists 
My meds were changed
Olanzapine (anti anxiety) was increased
And another anti depressant was introduced (Prozac)
Then it was a waiting game
To see if the change in meds would work
To see how long I could hold on before losing my shit and my mind again

I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened 
I know it was around April last year 
My mood began to lift
In a really noticeable way
My anxiety lessened
And when I woke up in the morning
I wasn't dreading the day ahead
I can remember standing in the shower on day
And feeling bigger
I stood on the scales
And I had begun to gain weight
At first it was soul destroying 
I couldn't stand myself
But then I began to see the benefits of weight gain
Feeling better
More clear minded
Happier
More energetic
Granted 
My weight increased to a point where I was comfortable 
To about 138 pounds 
It didn't suit me
And I continued to gain weight after I gave up smoking
And then
Suddenly 
Just as quickly as I gained the weight 
I began to lose it again
And my weight is now stable at 117-120 pounds
I can just about live with that

So much has happened in the last year
I got my teeth done
I gave  up smoking 
I had my toes done
I got glasses
But I still felt like something was missing
I wasn't feeling great around Christmas time
And soon after
I relapsed on drugs
That lasted about five weeks
I hurt many people
Including myself
Lost some people for good 
Almost lost my family
It was an horrific time
There was such a horrible atmosphere at home
I had to do something to get back on track
So I went back to meetings
And began seeing an addiction counsellor
And so my cocooned little world began to expand
I had a lot of help
My long suffering family
My best friend Marie
And all the professionals that I see
It is a joint effort
And everyone plays a crucial part

I am now meeting and seeing a lot of people
And this causes me massive anxiety
My confidence has taken such a battering recently 
And my self esteem is on the floor 
I am still trying to like myself
Never mind love myself
And I always presume that people don't like me
My mother and sister tell me that I am paranoid
But I'm not convinced 
I get a notion in my head
That someone doesn't like me
And then I look for evidence to support this
And disregard any evidence that they do like me
I've been seeing this girl around
She is a friend of Marie's
I was convinced that this girl didn't like me
And seeing her was becoming an ordeal
Then one day Marie told me that this girl was asking after me
I was really surprised
And then she sent me a friend request on Facebook
I was even more surprised
It really meant a lot 
Like she was asking me to be her friend
And letting me know that she likes me
It's the little things people

I guess it's because I don't like myself very much
That I can't understand why anyone else would like
I really feel that bad about myself

Yesterday I got a text from another girl 
Inviting me to a meal out with the NA crowd 
To celebrate a members ten year clean time
Again I was really surprised that I was invited
That it even occurred to this girl to include me 
It's a sad situation that I feel this low about myself 
But I do
I've spoken to Mary about this
And she assures me that if I keep doing what I'm doing
Then my confidence and self esteem will improve
I sincerely hope it does
Because it's just horrible feeling this way
To be so hyper sensitive
And to hate on myself so much

And the thing is
I think it takes quite a lot for me not to like someone
I get on with most people
And I love meeting new people
And making new friends
But my paranoia gets in the way of forming long lasting friendships
I always feel like I say the wrong thing
Or put my foot in it
And then spend weeks beating myself up about it
I bully myself in a lot of ways

Even here on blogger
I am always blown away by the kind an thoughtful comments that people write here every single day
The friends that I have made here mean so much to me
Do much more than you will ever know
I truly value and treasure each and everyone of you
And to be welcomed in to this community with open arms has warned my heart over and over again

This is the reason that I used drugs 
And my ED
Because I couldn't stand myself
Because I hated the person I was
Because I felt useless and hopeless
Because I had zero confidence 
And not an iota of self belief 
So trying to navigate through life without these crutches is not an easy task
I know have to find new and healthy ways of coping 
By attending meetings
Talking to friends who are in recovery
By being gentle with myself
And bring kind to myself
It's all so new
But I am doing my best to keep my mind and body relatively well

I've had a couple of comments recently
That I look like I am losing weight again
But in fact my weight is more stable than its been in years
I don't think I am losing weight
I think it's just that my weight is settling
And it's only now becoming noticeable 

In spite of the way I am feeling
I will plough on
I'm not about to give up
On you or myself
I have way too much to lose now
I am hoping and praying
That my perception of myself will improve
It sure as hell can't get any worse
Do I will continue to fight 
To fight for a better life
For peace of mind
For a happy mind and body
I'll do it for my family 
For Honey and Lea
Who rely on me so much
And who I refuse to let down 
And for myself 
There is just no other option right now

I was wondering about you
Have you ever suffered with a lack of confidence?
How did you deal with it?
What helped you find your confidence?
Do you ever experience paranoia? 
What helped you overcome this?
Do let me know if you have any tips or advice in this regard

19 comments:

  1. Ruby ^-^ I'm so glad we make you smile with our comments, I just hope you'll be able to see yourself as I do soon <3

    I do lack confidence, what's helped me was having a friend who was up for anything and wanted to do stuff with me (hence the youtube videos) but a companion is not necessary of course. I think a vlog is a good way to gain confidence. You have control over it as you can edit out whatever you want, which gives a sense of security and control. That's just one example of many though, it's just in my mind because I just uploaded another video just now xD

    Another thing I find I do is, if I'm going somewhere and I feel shy and my self confidence is low is to pamper myself. I take plenty of time, have a bath, do my hair and makeup and it makes me feel more presentable and it's sort of like putting an armour on for me.

    I agree with Mary though, and I think you feel it already. Despite the fact that you feel so low you still like yourself more than you have done at other points. And that will just grow and grow ^^ because what's not to love.

    Paranoia is a tricky thing, I know, it happens to me too, and my grandmother has severe paranoia issues, but it happens to me less and less as my confidence grows and the same will happen to you I'm sure. You will see yourself in a better light and also you will stop giving a fuck so much XD

    You are awesome and I am so happy to be your friend.
    Take care my dear
    Love you to bits ^-^
    Mandy xx

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    1. Thanks Mandy
      I guess it takes time and patience to develop confidence
      But me being me
      I want it NOW!!
      I like your suggestions though

      Oh you are a you tuber
      I would love to see them sometime
      Will you send me the link please?

      Comnents do make my day
      I love to hear the ping of my phone to notify me of an email

      Hope you're doing well
      Love ya x

      Delete
    2. ^-^ Of course my dear, this is my YouTube channel

      https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxN8QJu7rIqjiu88kmAk4zg

      It's mostly a travel vlog from when I went to England and Scotland, and some silly videos too, though I believe you've already seen the best one xD
      I hope you enjoy the videos my dear

      Love you too xx

      Delete
  2. Have you ever suffered with a lack of confidence?
    Yes on a daily basis, to the point where it is debilitatingly crippling, so I can empathise with you on this one. I think it's hard as well, because other people see us as different to how we see ourselves, so maybe we look like a lovely elegant swan on the outside, but underneath, our little legs are paddling like crazy to keep up appearances to the outside world. I hate my lack of confidence. I have this vision of the person I want to be, but this lack of confidence prevents me from being who I want to be, and then I feel like no-one likes me because I'm not that person, and I feel like a failure, and this knocks my confidence even more!

    How did you deal with it?
    I don't think I have dealt with it 100%. In the past, every time I go through a weight-loss relapse, my confidence soars. Every time I gain weight, my confidence takes another beating. So the way I deal with it is really unhealthy, by losing too much weight.
    What helped you find your confidence?
    I think what helps me most to gain confidence is putting myself out there. Taking risks and doing things that are worthwhile. Some days these things that are worthwhile might just be going to the supermarket. Other days, they can be things like going to an event in London. But definitely what helps is to do things that give me a sense of purpose, it makes me feel worth something rather than nothing, because feeling worth something is good for the confidence, where is feeling worth nothing, like I usually do, saps away even more at the confidence levels.

    Do you ever experience paranoia?
    Yes!! All the time!! I don't feel I've ever fitted in anywhere, always feel that nobody likes me, why should they? With my BPD, I hear voices, and I get convinced that these voices are following me. It's horrible because it feels so real. It got really bad when I was in hospital. I get really twitchy at home now too, constantly peeking out of the windows to see if anyone is going past. I won't use a phone incase the voices I hear are listening in. I won't have a shower incase the voices are watching me. I won't leave the house incase the voices follow me around.

    What helped you overcome this?
    Medication is helping me at the moment. I'm on an anti-psychotic which is supposed to help with the voices. What also helps is making sure that someone knows how you feel, e.g. when I was in hospital, one of the health care support workers was great with me when I thought the voices where talking behind me, she kept reassuring me that no-one was there. I think you have to try and be rational and think, in your case, why would they not like you. You're a beautiful, intelligent, eloquent young lady, and the more you start to see the good in yourself, the more you'll like yourself, and the more confidence you'll gain, and the less paranoid you'll feel.

    Sending you loads of love Ruby. Don't let the paranoia take over.
    xxx

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    1. I'm glad but also that you can relate Annie
      Though I glad I'm not the only one
      I guess lack of confidence is part and parcel of an ED
      And it doesn't happen over night
      I am weight restored now
      But I still have so much psychological work to do
      Like confidence, self esteem and body image
      Baby steps as I like to say

      I hope you are feeling better hun
      I'm finding it really painful to read your blog at the moment
      But I am praying for you so hard
      And I believe in you so much

      Don't give up girl x

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  3. "Thankfully I didn't die" i'm glad you didn't. and i'm also glad that you got to taste a sweeter world than the world of ED and addiction. because there's a world out there for us all, hun. that's why we recover - to taste it more and more each time. simply by choosing recovery, even if we are in slumps at sometimes, we are extending our lifeline. there will be blimps along the way. but it is gradual. you cannot expect to recover from your demons in 3 weeks when you've had them for so long, when they've been whispering into your head for so long but if you are determined, you can do anything!

    (sorry. just had a motivational spat there).

    i'm not happy with you mentioning numbers hun but i can sort of guess where you are anyway. we can see it, sweetums. either way - you're not a number to me. or to anyone else. i know i mention numbers a lot on my blog, but i am still trying to reinforce the idea that my weight and height and BMI does not reference how i look. if i looked like my BMI, i'd be bigger than i actually am.

    "I am still trying to like myself" something that has helped me with this point, as i am too trying to like myself and then at some point love myself was to remind myself how much good i give to others by just being alive. it is the same for you too. you offer so much and you don't even know it, my love. start to acknowledge it. accept compliments. do not doubt the good things that people tell you about yourself. many of us are biased with self-hatred. all the thoughts you feel sometimes - they are not true.

    "And I always presume that people don't like me" that is not true.

    i think you are just one of those people that people take a liking to very easily. i know i am. i have years of evidence to prove it towards me even if i had a rocky experience at school. and if they don't like you? what does it matter? they're not a part of your life, sweetie. you get to choose who to surround yourself with. pick the people that make you feel good about yourself, because they are who matter.

    (sorry, this comment is super long, Ruby)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I don't usually mention numbers Sam
      I don't know why I did today
      I think it's the first time I have disclosed my weight
      I hope it didn't backfire x

      Delete
  4. "And then I look for evidence to support this
    And disregard any evidence that they do like me" this is confirmation bias. my advice is to stop it before it happens because it takes the joy out of it. focus on something else. if you are talking to someone, do not focus on evidence to support that they like you or not. try to focus on them as a person. one of the things that really helped me with this is that i am not giving the person their right by thinking that they do not like me when they do. it's not fair to them as a person, and it's not fair to you either. ^_^ you're a lovely individual! why wouldn't anyone love you?

    i am sure that Marie's friend isn't the only exception. live with the belief that most people are good people, and everything is easier afterwards. i promise you. people do not mean to hurt. i figured that in the Asian population - people are very blunt. if they think something about you, they will tell you. no matter how rude it is. and they don't mean any harm by it. it's just how we're raised in culture. it's taken me so long to recognise this, as i've had many women comment on my frame before and i didn't like it. i still don't like it but i realise it's mostly culture-inbred. people think they can get away with it, or do it to make themselves feel better. in fact, if you're better than they are, they are likely to insult you anyway - jealousy is very predominant around here!

    take care of yourself, sweetie, alright? keep doing what you're doing. challenge yourself. go to meet these people. the only way to eradicate these feelings is to face them. meeting together with someone becomes so ordinary afterwards - if you've done it enough. i'm meeting together with a girl this Friday and i know it'll be awkward, but i'm having a list of topics in mind so it isn't too awkward.

    another thing. awkwardness does not mean a thing. it just means that you are nervous and the other person is likely to be nervous too. it goes away after some time as well.

    i am confident you can overcome this. you are a strong woman, Ruby. don't ever forget this.

    -Sam Lupin

    PS. i hope i didn't say anything that is offensive in this comment. i always have a bad feeling when writing long comments and i just wanted to ensure that if i said something hurtful, it was not intentional as my intent is always good.

    love you much, Ruby.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. No sam you didn't say anything offensive at all
      In fact you make perfect sense
      I guess I just need to relax a bit
      Some people I am completely myself around
      And I am chatty and outgoing
      But then around others I am awkward and shy and introverted
      I am trying just to be me
      And if you like me well and good
      If not then it's no skin off my nose
      I have enough people around me who love me
      And I don't need much more than

      Thank you Sam for your thoughtful comments
      As always you get me thinking
      And make my heart swell x

      Delete
  5. Not everyone likes me, but for most of my life, despite the urge to keep a smooth flow and not cause waves, I have not really cared for most people myself.

    Not everyone will like you, but if they're making an effort to contact you, to get to know you, to get you to go places with them... they probably like you :) When you find the ones that don't like you, go to the ones who DO for your validation. Go to the ones whose opinion really does matter.

    The Storm Is Within is a safer option between my blogs if you want to stop by now and then, as the other usually focuses on numbers and plans. TSIW is also the blog where you'll find pics of my pets and theater things and the rest of non-ED me :)

    These pics aren't the highest quality but I like them: (safe post) http://thestormiswithin.blogspot.com/2015/05/critters.html

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    1. Oh thanks for that Tempest
      I just checked out your blog
      I love it!
      And yes it's probably better for me to read that one at the moment

      You make a lot of sense too
      I would love to get to a point where I don't care what others think of me
      That would be awesome
      I will get there
      It might take me a while
      But I will get there x

      Delete
  6. I'm really glad Mary was there to intervene. It was noticeable just reading your posts that things were starting to improve. You're too precious a Ruby to lose.

    I can relate to this kind of anxiety, specifically with the rare occasions I see friends in real life. I saw R again this weekend, and my head is simply not processing anything so I haven't written about it, but I'm actually really paranoid that I'm just a big joke and people only want to catch up with me so they can go laugh about me with people I used to know. It's terrible because he's never been anything but good to me, but there's a lot of paranoia in my head.

    Lots of love <3
    xxxx

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    1. I can relate so much to this Bella
      I also feel that people want to see me to take the piss out of me
      It's like I can't quite believe that they actually want to spend time with me
      Even though as you say, my friends are nothing but nice to me

      I popped your package in the post hun
      Hope you get it soon
      It's just a few fun items
      That I hope will make you smile
      Let me know when you get it

      Love always x

      Delete
  7. i dont know how anyone couldn't like you,and I'm sure they do.but i do understand, i interpret everything as[they hate me/find me irritating] etc. also photos ,videos or even accidentally hearing my own voice i am repulsed by my own self,and writing this I've kind of just realised it! don't know how to overcome it i'm afraid but think you're right if we just keep going it Will go away or we will stop caring about it so much anyway.either way unless we totally hide away just got to wait it out. you will be ok you seem like a real people person , just suffer with anxiety.sometimes i like to imagine the conversation from the other persons point of view, imagine they feel the same? often people say all sorts of stuff to me and probably don't give it another thought. anyhow everyone on here thinks lots of you and haven't even met, so you must be doing something right!lots of love and pls don't worry you're doing great ,Jo xx

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    1. Aw thanks Jo Jo
      It's really sweet of you to say
      Yes I think all we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other
      And keep going
      I'm just back from a meeting and before I went in I said a quick prayer to ask for help with my anxiety
      I was last to speak at the meeting
      But I think I spoke from the heart
      And was honest
      And if people don't like me for that
      Then that's ok
      I have enough people who do like me
      And value me
      The older I get
      The less people o need around me
      Just a few good friends is all I need
      Hang in there Jo
      I believe in you x

      Delete
  8. Two words: LISA FRIKKIN' NOVAK! Lol OK that's three.

    She had a lot of confidence and self belief but was a COMPLETE basket case. Look her up. You may know the story. She worked for NASA and was a military captain.

    What I'm saying is....you aren't that bad! and people that LOOK good outwardly can be a mess. It is truly about what's in your heart. That's real confidence.
    And you have confidence to be honest. Most people can't do that.


    X

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    1. There is a certain freedom in not giving a shite what people think. I don't know when I arrived at that point, but it probably had something to do with just getting fed up. I used to be the same as you and then use just reached a point where I was like feck it I just don't care. I still feel self conscious a lot of the time, but now it's like it doesn't matter anymore. It's like coming to terms with those emotions and finding a way to live with them rather than totally banishing them, if that makes sense. Some of the bad thoughts remain, but they no longer have any power. Sort of like when you feel like you have nothing to wear to some important event and trying on everything in your wardrobe until you find something that, while it's not the most glamorous or exciting outfit, you feel comfortable in it. It may not get any attention being a fabulous outfit, but you're still comfortable in it.

      Paranoia only plagues me if I smoke pot, which is why I don't. BECAUSE THE BLACK HELICOPTERS ARE COMING AND WE NEED TO BOARD UP THE WINDOWS AND SEARCH THE HOUSE FOR LISTENING DEVICES AND ALSO BECAUSE ALIENS

      Delete
    2. To shelby

      Oh I haven't heard of Lisa Novak
      Am going to look get up now x

      Delete
    3. To Mich

      I love the way you explained that
      It makes perfect sense the way you describe it
      I think I am in the process of getting to the point where I don't care what people think
      I guess it will take time

      That's exactly the reason that I don't smoke wed any more either
      I think the world and their mother is out to get me
      I used to joke that I couldn't handle were so I took heroin
      Make of that what you will..... X

      Delete

Thank you for leaving some love x