Monday, 25 May 2015

Tell me why I don't like Mondays

Title taken from the popular Boom Town Rats song
In fact I do like Mondays 
It may even be my favourite day of the week
Let me explain
As you know
Monday is doctor day
Which means I've had no meds since Saturday 
As greedy guts addict over here overused on a couple of occasions
Sunday is a long day with no meds
No little sleeps to break up the day
No chance to opt out 
Or check off the planet for a while
By Monday morning
I can feel the withdrawal setting in
I can feel it in my bones
The yawning starts 
Why it always starts with yawning I do not know
There must be a reason 
But I don't know what it is
Then my nose and eyes start to run 
Usually I have my meds before it gets any worse
God forbid would it get any worse

So I made my way in the my doctor today
My usual doctor is away for a couple of weeks
So I got to see Nice Woman Doctor
Who I really like
She calls me in to her room
Big smile on her face
I settle on the seat
She tells me I look well
I balk at hearing this
As I always do
But manners prevail 
And I smile and thank her
She asks me how life is
The first thing that pops in to my head is the incident last Thursday
But I decide that she doesn't need to know that
And I tell her life is good
That I am starting a course in september
She asks me if its good to have my sister home
She knows my sister as she sees her too
I tell her it is 
Which is true
She also asks me if I am still blogging
I tell her I am 
Touched that she remembered 
She carefully writes my scripts
I thank her 
And leave

I go and collect my meds
Then go to meet my mum who is walking the dogs
I get to my car
And take my daily dose
Determined to get back on track
And take them properly
I know I need to get this under control
I have spoken to Mary about it in the past
And she has told my doctor
Who then put me on daily dispensing
That works 
As I have no temptation in the house
So when I have a weak moment
There are no meds to take
But he usually only leaves me on DD for a couple of weeks
And then it's back to normal
Getting weekly dispensing

I know I need to get this under control
Especially if I want to start my course
And stay clean and sober
As right now
I don't really think I can claim I am clean and sober 
Being clean sober means not using mind altering substances 
Living in reality
Living life on life's terms
Not using meds or dugs to escape feelings 
Being compos  mentis 
And I am definitely not doing that

In my defence 
These meds are prescribed
And I am supposed to take them
But in reality I am not supposed to take a double or triple dose
Hell even a single dose is too much sometimes 
It does not a clean and sober life make

I've stopped telling the professionals that I abuse my meds
I don't really see the point anymore
I talk about it at meetings from time to time
But in reality
I don't know if I want to stop

Despite being ok with the way things are
I have taken steps to help myself
Last week I called in to my local dog kennels and groomers
To see if they had any work going for the summer
Disappointingly they couldn't take me on due to high insurance costs
So I tried the pizzeria I used to work in
He said he would ring me if anything came up
And he seemed glad that I called in
So hopefully that will work out
think having a bit more structure in my day will help with the addiction side of things
At least I hope it will

Time is going so fast at the moment
The weeks just seem to fly by
As does my life 
If I am not careful 
I will wake up an old woman
And my life will be over 
I guess I need to find a passion
Outside of writing and blogging
I don't have a lot of hobbies
But I am so grateful to have blogging in my life
Three years later and I enjoy it more than ever 
I write every day
It may not always be riveting stuff
But it's part of my daily routine
Blogging has saved my life 
And my sanity over and over again
It's been such a force for good in my life 
I don't know where I would be without it
and you special ladies
So thank you for that

I was wondering about you
How long have you been blogging?
Why did you start?
How does it benefit you?

6 comments:

  1. Real world can be a bit prickly for sure but you can do it. And you will,. when you are ready.

    It's worth it to live in the real world. It's an adventure. I do probably cry twice a week over hurt feelings. It's like being a teenager again. Misunderstandings and not fitting in. Except you are older and hopefully wiser! I highly recommend it!

    I wrote about my blogging a post or two back. I HAD. a blog but also am worried about real life crashing the party as I work in a field where privacy is important. I work with a lot of scumbags.

    Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. I should have added I rely heavily in routine. I can't deviate too much. Yesterday I felt like garbage and lay around not eating properly,. just moping. It was a nightmare. I felt depression sinking in.usually I don't. I get up early, stick to a routine, eat 3 decent meals, preferably hot meals and I exercise.

    And I'm still wishing I had a passion. I have developed a few hobbies which I never had so I guess it's a step in the right direction. If I had more.interests than just being wild I may have avoided a lot of this.

    I do wonder how you abuse methadone. If you only have a fixed amount a week, does that just mean some days you take more than other days? If so that doesn't seem so bad to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do take more some days Shelby
      So that leaves me with nine for a couple of days
      Same with my tablets
      The thing is that reality isn't so bad
      I live in a nice house
      With lovely people
      I have two beautiful dogs
      Friends
      Hobbies that I love
      I don't know why I am in such a rush to run away from it all
      You know?

      Thanks for your comments lately
      They help a lot x

      Delete
  3. It was a Bank Holiday Monday for us here today which means nothing really happens, so I'm glad you got to see the doctor, and the nice doctor too today!

    I know how difficult it is about your meds, well, maybe I don't know exactly, but I have an idea. This might be triggering, so please delete my comment if it is, but at the moment, I'm completely addicted to laxatives, and I want to stop, just like you want to take your meds 'properly' but something stops me from being able to stop taking them. Maybe I'm just completely addicted to them. Do you feel addicted to your meds? I think I get the impression that you are. It's so difficult, but I know it is possible. Maybe we should make a pact together, you can take your meds properly and I'll stop taking laxatives. Or is that too simple?!?!

    Take care Ruby. Xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've done my time with laxatives and enemas
      They really mess with your head
      And the thing is
      They don't even work
      But I know how easily we can get addicted to them
      I think it's a psychological thing
      But sweetie be careful
      Especially in your position right now
      They can be dangerous

      Yes I am most definitely addicted and dependant on my meds
      I don't know how I would manage without them
      I know I should tell my doctor
      But I know I won't

      Take care of you too hun x

      Delete
  4. I've been blogging for about 3 years, though I used to have another blog (I went as Breathe back then, i can't find my old link right now from my phone xD).

    I actually read back to some of your old posts a while back and I saw a comment of mine in one of your first posts, but I was so ill back then that I can't remember much of that time. I was deep in my ED and I started blogging to find a community of people going through the same thing. It was unhealthy, I was seeking validation that what I was doing to myself was ok and right.

    My current blog is relatively new ( I think I started round this February? ) and I started this one because I am recovering and wanted a totally positive outlet to work on my therapy and meet new people and connect with people I followed but never had the courage to talk to before.

    It benefits me so much, I'm always on blogger xD This community has saved me more times than any of you know, just the thought of letting you guys down is enough sometimes to snap out of it.
    And if gives me a much needed outlet. It's my safe place, no judgement and complete honesty. It is so refreshing to have a place like this.

    Take care my dear, I hope you are having a lovely day ^^
    *hugs*

    Mandy xx

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x