Tuesday

I saw Breda this morning 

I was dreading having to tell her about what I did last Thursday

I was not looking forward to admitting what I had done

And in the end

I didn't 

I didn't tell her 

I just couldn't find the words

Couldn't stand another person knowing what I have done 

I think I've told enough people

I've spoken about it at meetings

Spoken to friends about it 

My sister 

I really don't think in need to tell everyone  I meet

I will speak to Mary when I see her on Thursday 

As she knows about my shoplifting past

And I won't have to do a whole load of explaining

At first

I thought I would have to hide at home

And avoid going in to town

To avoid the shop where it happened 

And the shop I was caught outside of

And anywhere else where people might know

But I decided against it

And have been going about my business as usual 

I've past the shop itself numerous times

I'm just doing what I usually do

If people know they know

There is nothing I can do about that now

I am undecided about whether to post the letter I wrote

I still have it 

But my gut instinct is not to send it

So I'm not going to

For the moment anyway

Last Thursday really shook me

I've been reliving it ever since

Beating myself up

Putting myself down

Trying to find a way to go back in time and undo it

But of course I can't 

I chose to steal from that shop

So now I have to deal with the consequences

I do acknowledge that it could have been a whole lot worse

I could be sitting in a jail cell right now 

Could have been reported in the local paper

I am eternally grateful to that girl for not calling the cops 

I don't know why she didn't 

But I am so glad she didn't 

As I write last week

All I can do is learn from this

And move on 

I have to let it go

Before I drive myself insane

I have to forgive myself 

And use this as ammunition never to do that again

If nothing but that happens 

At least something came out of all of this

I spoke to Breda about other things 

She asked me if my methadone has been reduced recently

I told her it had been

About a month ago 

She wondered if it will be reduced again soon

I wasn't sure

But to be honest 

I hope not

The less I am on

The more of reality I have to deal with

And I don't want to deal with it

It doesn't make sense really

My reality is not that bad

I live in a nice house 

With nice people

I have an amazingly strong and supportive family around me

I have a small but close circle of friends

I have Honey and Lea who mean so much to me

I have you lovely ladies 

A roof over my head

Food in my fridge

Clothes in my wardrobe

I have a lot more than some people

Abd yet

I still want to escape

Switch off

Opt out

Check off the planet 

And I do so every chance I get

I don't understand it at all

I know that I don't deal with my feelings very well 

And my head isn't always a nice place to be

I think my base level mood 

Is lower than most people

In that my usual mood tends to be on the low side 

I have a perpensity to be negative

My thoughts race

I would never speak to another person the way I talk to myself 

I am horrible to myself

My thoughts run around my head on a loop

And I go from zero to suicidal in seconds 

So the temptation to medicate myself and my feelings is strong 

I know I need to sort out my meds before it is reduced even more

I need to get stable

And to do that I need to cooperate with my doctor and Breda 

It's just so hard to tell them

But I know I have to

I feel like I have made a real mess of things recently

I need to get back on track

Before it all falls down around me 

Because I don't know how much more I can take 

Before I snap