Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Tuesday

I saw Breda this morning 
I was dreading having to tell her about what I did last Thursday
I was not looking forward to admitting what I had done
And in the end
I didn't 
I didn't tell her 
I just couldn't find the words
Couldn't stand another person knowing what I have done 
I think I've told enough people
I've spoken about it at meetings
Spoken to friends about it 
My sister 
I really don't think in need to tell everyone  I meet
I will speak to Mary when I see her on Thursday 
As she knows about my shoplifting past
And I won't have to do a whole load of explaining

At first
I thought I would have to hide at home
And avoid going in to town
To avoid the shop where it happened 
And the shop I was caught outside of
And anywhere else where people might know
But I decided against it
And have been going about my business as usual 
I've past the shop itself numerous times
I'm just doing what I usually do
If people know they know
There is nothing I can do about that now

I am undecided about whether to post the letter I wrote
I still have it 
But my gut instinct is not to send it
So I'm not going to
For the moment anyway

Last Thursday really shook me
I've been reliving it ever since
Beating myself up
Putting myself down
Trying to find a way to go back in time and undo it
But of course I can't 
I chose to steal from that shop
So now I have to deal with the consequences
I do acknowledge that it could have been a whole lot worse
I could be sitting in a jail cell right now 
Could have been reported in the local paper
I am eternally grateful to that girl for not calling the cops 
I don't know why she didn't 
But I am so glad she didn't 

As I write last week
All I can do is learn from this
And move on 
I have to let it go
Before I drive myself insane
I have to forgive myself 
And use this as ammunition never to do that again
If nothing but that happens 
At least something came out of all of this

I spoke to Breda about other things 
She asked me if my methadone has been reduced recently
I told her it had been
About a month ago 
She wondered if it will be reduced again soon
I wasn't sure
But to be honest 
I hope not
The less I am on
The more of reality I have to deal with
And I don't want to deal with it
It doesn't make sense really
My reality is not that bad
I live in a nice house 
With nice people
I have an amazingly strong and supportive family around me
I have a small but close circle of friends
I have Honey and Lea who mean so much to me
I have you lovely ladies 
A roof over my head
Food in my fridge
Clothes in my wardrobe
I have a lot more than some people
Abd yet
I still want to escape
Switch off
Opt out
Check off the planet 
And I do so every chance I get
I don't understand it at all

I know that I don't deal with my feelings very well 
And my head isn't always a nice place to be
I think my base level mood 
Is lower than most people
In that my usual mood tends to be on the low side 
I have a perpensity to be negative
My thoughts race
I would never speak to another person the way I talk to myself 
I am horrible to myself
My thoughts run around my head on a loop
And I go from zero to suicidal in seconds 
So the temptation to medicate myself and my feelings is strong 

I know I need to sort out my meds before it is reduced even more
I need to get stable
And to do that I need to cooperate with my doctor and Breda 
It's just so hard to tell them
But I know I have to

I feel like I have made a real mess of things recently
I need to get back on track
Before it all falls down around me 
Because I don't know how much more I can take 
Before I snap 


14 comments:

  1. Been a bad week for me too, honey.
    Super bad. Yes you do have to get back on track.

    I do as well. I know how these things can spiral.

    I'm annoyed cos I was doing so well. But then I got some news I didn't want to hear about someone and before that I had that thing with my boss and now something else has gone wrong.

    Then I saw my arch enemy on TV! Yep you can't make that shit up. She's married some famous guy. (?!) She was an inpatient at an ED hospital but she's just gone from strength to strength. Not me though. I'm just limping along like on old grey mare.

    what I wouldn't give for smooth sailing

    is Breda a counselor, I've forgotten exactly what her role is.

    About the letter... go with you gut instinct.

    About your moods - I think you'll even out. I have though as I've said small things can make me feel so Inadequate. Damn you low self esteem.

    stay cool ruby roo. Adjust your sails and ride with it. Hard to do! I'll be doing it too.

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Shelby
      Breda is my addiction counsellor
      She is really good

      Yes I guess we both had a tough week last week
      But just want you to know that I really appreciate your comments
      I really wish you had s blog
      As I would love to read about your life too
      Let me know if you ever decide to start blogging

      Let's hope this week is better shelby
      For both of us x

      Delete
  2. would your mum or sister look after your meds for you? for a while? so you can't take more than you should.do you think the antidepressants are still helping your mood maybe they could increase the dose for a bit if you need some extra help. i know you said there are some problems helping at the dog shelter with insurance but perhaps there is somewhere else you'd like to volunteer . you have so much to offer and are so good at communicating with people. i was scared to do this and often have to force myself, but always glad once I'm there and to be honest find it so much harder to control my behaviours when i am home too much alone. take care jo xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a good idea Jo
      And I used to do that
      So maybe it would help again
      I will talk to my mum and sister about it

      Yea I will look in to volunteering somewhere else
      Preferably with dogs or animals
      I hope something else will come up

      Thanks jo x

      Delete
  3. Even if anyone other than the shop owner knows, by now I doubt anyone remembers. People are so consumed in their own lives that what other people get up to isn't really on their mind, except for maybe their close relatives or friends.

    Have you told Breda or your doctors why you don't want the meds reduced? Might be a good idea to discuss that with them in detail. It's not strange a feeling, wanting to opt out of reality, even when reality doesn't seem so bad on the surface. You're in your nice house with your nice family and you're fed and clothed and sheltered, but you still have to be in your head too, and that can be the hardest place to inhabit. And it makes everything else harder. I always had a tough time being honest about that stuff with doctors and counselors, but when I forced myself to tell them exactly what was going on in my head, they were able to help me more than if I'd kept quiet.

    Mastering your moods takes time and patience. I'm still trying to master my anger problems. I will no longer try to kill you or throw things, but I am still prone to occasional bouts of rage and intense use of foul language....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Im just going to butt in and say Excellent advice!

      Delete
    2. That's a good point Mich
      And I hope you are right
      And people are too busy to think about what ever fuck ups I've made

      Wow that it is exactly it!
      I do have a nice life
      But it's my head that is the problem
      No matter what my surroundings are
      My head is constant
      And it's not a nice place to be most of the time
      Love your comments Mich
      They shears get me thinking x

      Delete
  4. anyone who takes time to comment for you ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually didn't get time to reply to comments yesterday
      And in fact I am going to reply to them now
      If you read my blog you will know that I usually reply to every comment
      But trust an anonymous commenter to remind me when I miss one day.....

      Delete
  5. I know you are struggling a lot right now but I am glad that you are trying not to be too hard on yourself.
    You are indeed fortunate for all of the things you have - your family, dogs etc. I think sometimes its about what we dont have. Give yourself a break, you have made HUGE changes in your life with more to come, you are someone that anyone could look up to and dont you forget that. We all make mistakes, its the ones that admit and try to change that are special, and you certainly are that.

    Much love
    Ellie

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x