Wednesday, 27 May 2015

The beautiful ones

 Up until recently 
I was weighing every day
It was always the first thing I did in the morning
And stand on the scales 
Holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would effect the number 
I'd squeeze my eyes shut
And peep through my fingers to see my fate
I have numbers that are acceptable
Numbers that are unacceptable 
Safe numbers
Unsafe numbers
My weight tends to stay within the same five pounds
Tends to be lower in the middle of the month
And higher when I get my period
Just a quick note about periods
I didn't get mine for ten years when I was very ill
It's only in the last few months that my period has come back

In recent weeks 
I have stopped weighing so much
As it just drives me nuts
The number on the scales dictates my mood for the whole day 
It really has the power to ruin my day
The number goes  up and I spiral in to black hole of depression
The number goes down and I sky rocket in to euphoria
But in reality
No matter what the number
My ED is never happy 
Never ever 

So I've decided to go by how I feel
And how I look
Rather than what the scale says
And I feel pretty ok
I feel steady and grounded and stable
For the most part
I feel ok in my body
Yes there are things that I would like to change
I would love to be more toned and fit
But being in my body is tolerable 
I can live with it
I've accepted that I will never be a supermodel 
Or one of the beautiful people
You know who they are
They're the ones with shiny silky hair
All tousled and messy like they've just got  out of bed
They have long, lean and tanned limbs
Perfect skin
Trendy clothes
And it all looks utterly effortless 

I on the other hand
Am not beautiful 
I'm average at best
My hair is frizzy
My skin is dry
I try to dress well
But it doesn't always work out the way I want it do
My body is flabby 
And it was even worse before I had a tan
I guess I could be improved 
By a team of stylists and make up artists
Maybe then I could be something approaching pretty
But I don't have the energy, inclination or money to do that
So I just try and make the best of what I have got 

I think the most attractive quality in someone is  confidence
You can have a beautiful face
High fashion clothes 
An expensive hair cut 
But it all means nothing 
If confidence is absent 
I don't have a whole lot of confidence 
In fact 
It's pretty non existent 
I guess I am faking it until I make it

I was wondering about you
How is your confidence? 
Does confidence come easy to you?
Or are you like me and struggle a lot?
What has helped build your confidence?


  1. Confidence? Yeah, I think I've heard that word before, but I don't do that stuff. What is there to have confidence in? I know what I look like and what I weigh, and that doesn't really help.

    1. It's a tricky one CP
      It's just such a shame that our self confidence is tied up in our physical appearance x

  2. Replies
    1. I'm glad but also sad that you can relate x

  3. I wonder if the so-called "beautiful people" even have that confidence?
    And honestly, from where I stand, you are beautiful! Not just in the sense of having a beautiful inside, which you do, but how many people would give anything to be as conventionally attractive as you are? Thin, blonde, pretty... Just goes to show its not really how we look that matters.

    1. Aw that's sweet if you to say Sarah
      I guess we see ourselves differently to everyone else
      I suppose I think of myself as being boring and very plain looking
      You know?
      But thank you for the compliment x

  4. Hello my dear ^-^
    I love what you write and I have found that that is so true, I have seen people that look "ok" or "dull" turn in to the most unconventionally beautiful people I know, just because of the way they see life and the confidence and internal beauty they bring.
    It sounds silly but it is so true.
    It does NOT come easy for me, no way, but I strive to be one of those people. We can't conform to an archetype of beauty because we just end up bashing our head against the wall, it's impossible, but we can be our own brand of pretty/happy/lovable and that is all I have learned to want.
    It's so hard though.

    I just wanted to say to you though that despite how you see yourself, I think you are really really pretty (especially with your new glasses, so cute *-*)

    Take care my dear ^^
    Love you to bits <3

    Mandy xx

    1. Hey Mandy,

      Yes I totally agree
      Personality and confidence trump physical beauty for me everytime!
      I think beauty shines from the inside out
      And I also think that conventional beauty is over rated
      Being attractive comes in so many different forms
      And I firmly believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder

      Aw thanks Hun
      I'm still getting used to them
      And my new identity as a be-spectacled person

      Love you too x

  5. As far as "the beautiful people," it may look effortless, but I assure you it is usually not. And they probably feel just as insecure. I have a friend who wears no makeup and I swear she gets out of bed with Disney princess hair; she could stop traffic she's so beautiful, but she's one of the most self conscious people I know, no self esteem whatsoever.

    I haven't weighed myself in years. I don't want to know, because the number means nothing and yet the ED will make it mean everything. Even if I have to get weighed at the doctor's office, I face away from the scale and tell the nurses not to tell me my weight. Ignorance is bliss.

    You ARE beautiful.

    Pretty sure all Irish people have frizzy hair. I do, and so does everyone in my family except for my one cousin who is the reincarnation of Helen of Troy (we all hate her because she's the only one who got perfect hair and cheekbones).

    My skin sucks, too. But makeup works miracles, so when people compliment my skin I just smile and say thank you while secretly thinking they must have some kind of severe vision problem. :/

    We all have wobbly bits. And sadly, I seem to get more and more every month. :(((

    I'm sort of on the fence of having confidence. Some days I feel good about myself, and other days I want to hide forever because I'm hideous and fat.

    It helps to try and focus on aspects about yourself that you DO like, rather than dwelling on what you don't like. It has helped me accept the fact that I will never look like Milla Jovovich.

    1. Thanks Mich
      I love that you make so much sense
      And all with a sense of humour
      Your are my kind of girl!

      I guess we play the hand we are dealt
      And make the best of it
      I know some people spend a small fortune trying to change their physical appearance
      And usually that ends badly
      And the person looks worse than ever
      I'm grateful that I don't have an urge to do this
      I may not be Cara Delvigne
      But I am me
      And that is enough x

    2. My one boss spends a fortune on botox every few months, and honestly I think she'd look better without it. She just looks more and more like Joan Rivers. Joan was fabulous, but honestly I hope I never look like that.

  6. either have nice life or go hungry and feel good just stop stressing that you can't have both, your not the only one

  7. now a reply!

    1. I'm not complaining that I can't have both
      I am just telling it the way my life is
      I don't sugar coat things
      And I know I can't have both
      I don't want both
      I just want a life where I am happy to be in my own head
      And happy or at least content to be me

  8. most of time i struggle to get dressed at all but have to,can say i am all my time low right now you keep me going though so pls keep going love jo xx

    1. And you help me to keep going too Jo

      Always with ya x

  9. How is your confidence?
    I have absolutely zero confidence.

    Does confidence come easy to you?
    No, ever since I was about eleven, I have struggled with confidence and self-esteem issues. I have to force myself to do things that most people can seemingly do with ease - leave the house, cross a road, answer the phone, talk to name it, I struggle due to lack of confidence.

    What has helped build your confidence?
    Losing weight - I always feel more confident when my weight is lower, but it's so dangerous and I hate it.

    My heart goes out to you Ruby xxx

    1. Thanks Annie
      I'm loving your nick name bu the way
      I guess a lack of confidence goes hand in hand with an ED
      I don't think I've ever met a confident anorectic
      I'm working on mine every day
      I have good days and bad days
      But the important thing is to keep going x

    2. Hehe thanks, my name is pretty difficult to pronounce, but my nickname, it's to do with confidence actually, as 'Annie' I can be somebody else if that makes sense?

      You're definitely right that a lack of confidence goes hand in hand with an ED. I think it's a deep root cause of it in many cases.

      Just keep going, you're doing great <3 You always bounce back and that's what I admire about you!

  10. I can definitely relate, I used to be so obsessed with the number on the scales, recently i have gained a few pounds, due to been ill and not being able to exercise,and now on my period, so maybe that's why, but it really makes you feel so bad.
    But i try my best not to weigh myself too much anymore and just take care of my body and that makes me feel better.
    I like to build my confidence through being a good person and been proud of my accomplishments.
    Take care xx

    1. I do that too
      Take pride in little things I do to help others
      Or positive affirmations
      By the way I live my life as best I can x

  11. you are beautiful.

    those 'beautiful people', in the end, strip them down and they are made of the same thing you are. strip them down, and they are nothing more than bone, meat and fat.

    interestingly enough, i find that the minute i talked to one of these beautiful people i start to realise that their life is not glamourous at all. many of them have trials that are so terrible they make you feel bad for them. genuinely so. i had one girl that used to trigger me every time i saw her. every time i did see her, i thought to myself that there was someone that was absolutely gorgeous - seemed to hold it all together... until i figured out that she had gone through medical school before but the university was not certified to give her a certificate. she's redoing essentially 5 years of medical school and is finding it hard with the system we have here.

    when i know something like that, it is hard to be jealous of that person. the more you know, the more these people just start to be people.

    i think the problem with the 'beautiful ones' - we assume they are more than what they are. they aren't. they have problems. they are not put together. they are normal people that just happen to look astoundingly good, and the more you know about them, the less like pin-up models they look and the more like people they look.

    my confidence?
    i am incredibly confident in some aspects and not in others. most of the times, i am confident in things that people are insecure about and insecure about things that people are confident about.

    besides weight problems that we all seem to have, my confidence towards studying is excellent. towards exercising, towards people, towards interacting with people - i am incredibly confident to the point where if i feel like it, i will insult a person or make it seem like they are a nuisance to my time (not intentionally but it does come across like this). however, when it comes to things like me publishing a blog posts, i have zero confidence. i am very insecure about my own feelings and loathe them.

    a lot of the times, i cannot re-read the comments that i wrote because they can give me anxiety attacks considering i do not like to be able to re-read things i have written. i feel like the most pathetic person on the planet when i read my own thoughts, and often cannot express them to others for this one reason.

    it is strange.

    -Sam Lupin

    1. You are so right Sam
      The beautiful people are no better than me
      Or worse
      I guess I tend to put people in to categories
      I think it stems from being bullied by some girls years ago
      They were like the typical mean girls
      And now anyone who reminds me of them makes me nervous
      It's hard for me to think that we aw all equal
      But in trying to think like that

      Thanks Sam
      For making me feel a little better x

  12. I've modeled. I've been one of those so called beautiful people but as we all know it's just smoke and mirrors. I may have looked confident but inside I hated myself. Not being the skinny minnie that I used to be has been a huge blow to my confidence and through it all I have never quit daily weigh ins-never even tried. The thing that gets me lately is comparing myself to internet folks on Insta or whatever. At some point; it just drives you nuts and is no good for your psyche. At what point are you ever enough for yourself?

    1. Hey Miranda, good to hear from you

      I guess that is true
      All these celebrities and models that we see have been tweaked and airbrushed
      And have an army of people to help them look good
      I can't help comparing myself though

      I know you are struggling with your weight at the moment
      I hope you find some peace x


Thank you for leaving some love x