Friday, 22 May 2015

The calm after the storm

Yesterday is over
Thank God that yesterday is over 
It is no longer the day that I was caught shoplifting
I swear it was like a nightmare
I kept waiting to wake
And realise that it was all a bad dream
I often have dreams like that 
That I used
Or drank
Or smoked
And then woke up to sweet relief that it was all a dream
But this wasn't a dream 
It was real 
I made the choice to take that top
And walk out of that shop
I have no excuse
No plausible reason for doing this
I did it because I wanted the top
It was as simple and as stupid as that

I went to two meetings yesterday
The first was an AA meeting
I wasn't going to say anything at the meeting 
But it was a small one so I decided to share
I got very upset while speaking
As the weight of what had happened sat on my shoulders
Everyone was great
Told me not to best myself on
To learn from this and move on
The general consensus was that no one is a saint
And we all have moments of madness and do stupid things 
One of the women even offered me some money to put in a card to give to the shop owner
It was sweet of her
But I politely declined 
This was my mess to sort out

I returned home
Where my sister said that she needed to talk to me
I thought she had read yesterday's post
And that she knew
So I kind of put my foot in it
Because she hadn't
She had quite a bad reaction to it
First she got angry
And said some horrible things
But then that anger turned into disbelief and sadness
She just couldn't understand why I had done it
Either can I 
I don't blame her though
I seem to fuck up time and time again

I went to another meeting last night
Again it was a small meeting 
So I felt comfortable sharing
Some people there suggested I write a letter of apology
So that's what I did when I got home
I write a short note
Expressing my regret
And asked if there was anything I could do to make amends 
As I am willing to do that 
This shop was not some big chain store
It's a small family run business
Who are probably struggling as it is without the likes of me stealing their goods
So I would really jump at the chance of atonement 

But as bad as yesterday was 
I do realise that it could have been a whole lot worse 
That girl could have called the cops 
In fact I am wondering why she didn't
She was well within her rights to
When we were walking up to the shop
She seemed to calm down a lot
And was asking me question
I said as little as possible
Just apologising when I felt it was appropriate
I am so grateful to that girl for letting me go
I could be sitting in a police cell right now
And that would be an utter disaster 
Imagine if I had had to call my family from a cop station
And tel them that I had been arrested
It doesn't bear thinking about

So I guess the best thing to do
Is to take the learning out of this
And the lesson is well and truly learnt
I won't be be shoplifting again 
And if that is the only positive to come out of this 
Then maybe it was a blessing in disguise






7 comments:

  1. Hello my lovely Ruby,
    I'm so glad you are feeling better and that you have such support everywhere ^^

    The letter is lovely and I'm sure it will do the trick, however, I'm concerned about you posting your phone number on your blog on the letter (maybe you didn't do it consciously) but a lot of people read your blog, and I'd be careful my dear.

    I hope your heart isn't beating as fratically and your breath is coming even and everything smooths out as it should :)
    You did the right thing writing this letter and I'm proud of you my dear.

    Take care lovely *hugs*

    Mandy xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh gosh!
      Thanks for the heads up Mandy
      I totally forgot that my phone number and real name were on that letter
      So I deleted it
      Just in case
      Thanks for looking out for me

      I am feeling so much better today
      Thanks to friends
      Both here and in real life
      It's at times like this that I realise what amazingly strong, kind and caring people I have around me
      I am eternally grateful for that

      Going to check out your blog now

      Lots of love and gratitude x

      Delete
  2. Thank God she didn't ring the police!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know right?
      It could have been a whole lot worse
      I will definitely learn the lesson here
      And will never forget that feeling of being caught x

      Delete
  3. There's no greater teacher than shame. I think it's probably a good thing and it's definitely a blessing that she didn't call the cops. Basically you've told us for a while now you've had this compulsion to shoplift and maybe this is sort of like a warning that you gotta stop the train you're on. My ex's aunt did it so much and was caught at different stores throughout the years that she was only allowed at maybe one or two stores in the whole town and so she had to have people get her groceries for her and was left with online shopping if she wanted to buy clothes and things for people without having to ask others to go for her. That's not a way to live and it's certainly embarrassing. Maybe it can tie in with your mindfulness teaching because it's an impulse control issue and it also provides a rush. If you go to a store maybe work to have some fail safe things like always bring reserve cash, talk to your family or call someone when it's about to happen, find another hobby or thing that you can do on a whim, deep breath and go through the consequences before making the choice, just things like that. Good luck girl!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey Eve,

    Good to hear from you
    You always have such sound advice
    You are so right
    Shame is a great motivator
    And I was so surprised about how many people have also done this
    Stole something
    I have had such great support
    And I am so grateful for that
    Without you all and my real life supports
    I don't know where I would be

    Thanks Eve.
    I hope you are doing well x

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x