Wednesday, 20 May 2015

What I eat

Contrary to popular belief
People with eating disorders do like food
Speaking only for myself
I love food
I mean really love it
God help the person that comes between me and my food
I tend to go through phases of eating a certain food
I become slightly obsessed with said food
And eat it until I move on to the next obsession
At the moment 
My foods are salt and vinegar Hunky Dory chips
And Nestle Milkybars
I literally eat them all day long
I go through five family size Milkybars a day
And two family size packs of chips
And I would eat more if there was more
But I try on out a limit on it

I don't eat breakfast 
And if I do 
It's a few squares of chocolate
I don't really eat lunch either
Preferring to snack on my favourite foods
I do eat dinner though
I love dinner 
Today I am making beef stew
It's only 11am 
And I am already looking forward to it
I can get slightly obsessed over my dinner too
And like to know way in advance what I am having
So I tend to drive my family nuts 
Asking them what is for dinner like two days in advance 

I don't profess to be the healthiest person in the world
And I am no poster girl for recovery
You are probably wondering how I am not 300 pounds if I eat all that junk food
The simple answer to that
Is that not everything that goes down stays down
I admit it
I do purge still
In fact it never went away
And I'm not sure if it ever will

As you know up until about a year ago
I was binging and purging up to 20 times a day
It was off the scale 
Yes my bulimia had improved a lot
But I still purge 2-5 times a day
Which by anyone's standards is still a lot 
But for me it's progress
The thing is
I am starting to wonder if this is as good as it gets for me?
Is this recovery?
Am I destined to always have my ED in my life?
Managing it but never quite getting on top of it?
I mean 
I am the best I've been in a long time 
Eating disorder wise
But I know things could be a lot better
The way things are
I have one foot in my ED
And one foot in recovery 
Stuck somewhere in the middle
Not committing to either one

And the other thing is 
I'm not sure if I want to leg go completely of my ED
I mean
I am quite content the way things are
But maybe I am fooling myself 
I don't quite know

I was sharing at a meeting the other day
How my base mood level is lower than average
In that my everyday mood is lower than the average person 
My tendency is to be negative
Think negatively 
I've a tendency to be maudlin and morose 
I'm not a naturally happy or optimistic person 
I'm not happy all the time
I get glimpses of it from time to time
But it is not a constant thing 
So feeling the way I am now is good
For me

I'm seeing Mary tomorrow
So I will talk to her about this 
Although I know what she will say
That full and complete recovery is possible
And that I can live a life without my ED
I'm not convinced 
But I won't rule it out

I was wondering about you
Do you consider yourself to be in recovery?
What does recovery mean to you?
Do you think that complete recovery is possible?
I'd love to know ....


  1. I'm not in recovery, I'm in limbo. I've got the binges managed enough that I'm not overweight/obese anymore, but I've been violently bouncing between restricting and the rebound binges that come from being undernourished and going below what my body wants my weight to be. The result is that I'm ricocheting around inside my "healthy" BMI range. It's not fun. And the last two summers have been spent bingeing and purging (exercise/restriction - what I call "non-projectile bulimia") so I'm probably in for another round of that.

    I do believe in complete recovery, but I believe it is different for every person. I believe that a person who has had more severe symptoms and a longer duration of illness (my ED behaviors come and go but the thoughts are ALWAYS there and I have most definitely worn down my body - so I consider myself long-term but not severe) is more likely to require a lifetime of conscious effort to maintain that recovery - e.g. not being able to forget about the way you eat, but consciously thinking "I am hungry so I will choose to eat until my body is satisfied because I need the nourishment to function" or "I want to eat right now, but I know that it is just because I am upset. I will do something else to deal with my hurt, and I will eat when I am hungry." The "I was a little anorexic once" type people who DID have an illness, but it was brief, are probably the ones who get to skip around not paying attention to it anymore.

  2. You remind me of me, I used to (and still do more times than I care to admit) live off chocolate bars. My meals are more or less stable now because when I cook, I have to think of someone else too ( I cook for my flatmate too) and if I don't cook, she cooks for us both.

    I think, most of the time I feel l'm in recovery, though I do often feel like my eating is still disordered and I'll catch myself talking myself in to either not eating or going out to buy binge food when I'm home alone.

    To me, being "recovered" is to have the presence of mind to step back, identify the disordered thoughts and behaviours, and then act differently, objectively and logically, without succumbing.

    An ed isn't an "illness" (in the way a cold is - where the symptoms go away after recovering from it) it is a disorder, as the name points out. And what is any type of disorder other than a distorted state, to what the norm is.

    These things don't cure in the traditional sense, but they can become less present, less severe, you can become stronger than *it* is and step away, acknowledge it, take away it's power over you and know that it's wrong, and act accordingly, and be happy doing so.

    So yes, I definitely think it is possible to recover from it.
    And I really truly definitely know that you are capable of it.

    Despite your purging I am incredibly proud of my precious Ruby. You have fought and come a long long way, and you are better than you were. Bit by bit.
    You will recover more and more as you feel ready to do so, rushing it only leads to relapse, and you are doing very well.

    Take care my dear, big big hugs, I hope you are having a lovely day today.
    Lots of love,

    Mandy xx

  3. I think you're the only other person I have encountered who eats the same way I do. I find something I really like and then eat it to death for the next months, then move on to something else.

    Recovery is like the walk to Mordor. It's going to take a loooong time, and a lot of it is going to really suck. But at the end, it will all be worth it. Don't be discouraged that you've so far only got one foot in recovery. That's a hell of a lot better than no feet in recovery and both feet in the ED. Going from 20 to 2-5 is a huge victory. And going from 2-5 to 0 will be another victory, when you're ready. One step at a time. Full recovery IS possible.

    I still consider myself in recovery, but I think of it more as remission. I'm eating sort of normally and not killing myself at the gym, and am not abusing painkillers. I still probably drink too much (at this point just to get to sleep). I still can get a bit obsessive about not eating carbs. And sometimes the ED thoughts still try to get in and tell me I'm too fat. I can ignore them, though. It took a lot of time to get here, but I made it. And so can you.

  4. People with eating disorders do like food, you're so right. I love food. I think if I wasn't anorexic I'd be obese. People laugh at me when I tell them that but I'm deadly serious.

    I do that too - go through phases of obsessing over certain foods. I love how we have stuff in common and I can relate to you Ruby! If I can't get hold of my obsession food, I practically have a break-down, I'm that obsessive. My current obsessions are lemon flavoured coconut water and crispy seaweed (24 calories in a whole box - amazing!)

    In answer to your questions:
    Do you consider yourself to be in recovery?
    No, I'm definitely not in recovery. I've just come out of hospital where I was 'recovering' but now I'm home, I'm restricting like crazy and taking ridiculous amounts of laxatives. Definitely not recovery behaviour. Like you said, I don't want to let go of it completely, I understand what you mean. I love my anorexia as much as I absolutely hate it.

    What does recovery mean to you?
    Recovery means freedom and peace of mind. The actual process of recovery means a lot of painful hard work and determination.

    Do you think that complete recovery is possible?
    Yes, but you have to want complete recovery for it to be possible. I don't think I will ever be completely recovered, but like you said, 'I'm not convinced, but I won't rule it out.'


  5. I loved reading this. I do consider myself to still be in recover even though I have been seeing a lot of progress being made.

    Recovery to me means freedom; no more restrictions with not only food, but life in general. Recovery means being spontaneous and accepting life as it comes and as it goes.

    I'm slowly beginning to believe that recovery is possible but it's not as simple as I had previously thought. It take time, effort and patience which is something I struggle with in many aspects of my life.

  6. Do you consider yourself to be in recovery?

    What does recovery mean to you? eating to live, but not living to eat, enjoying it, not over thinking it and being able to concentrate on other things.

    Do you think that complete recovery is possible?

    yes I definitely do.

  7. Do you consider yourself to be in recovery?

    Absolutely. I love my body. Of course, there are times that I feel like maybe I could cut back here and there, I feel so sexy and so feminine. Never before have I owned my own self the way I do now and it feels good. It feels like I have begun to once again connect my mind, body, and spirit. Sure I still have work to do but I would never ever go back. Ever.

    What does recovery mean to you?

    Recovery is growth. Self-awareness, honesty with self, willingness to put aside the maladaptive behaviors even if it's uncomfortable because they no longer serve a purpose in the new, better, successful version of self. It's not thinking twice about things that I normally would, it's living, it's laughing at myself, it's being honest with others, hopeful, joyful, and sometimes it's not happy, it's just making the smallest choice in the right direction. Forward not backwards over all. It's amazing.

    Do you think that complete recovery is possible?

    I think it is. I'm living proof. Sometimes we have security blankets that we really like, but overall, I think we don't have to go back.


Thank you for leaving some love x