The ugly truth

I tried writing a post about something else earlier

But 

In truth 

My thoughts are still consumed with what happened on Thursday 

I still can't quite believe that it happened 

And how close I came to really getting in to trouble with the law

It still feels like a bad dream

Like I'm going to wake up any minute now

But unfortunately 

It did happen

And there's nothing I can do to change that

I had been in hiding since Thursday

Only venturing out to go to my meetings

But today

I decided to bite the bullet

And head in to the town where it happened 

I shit you not

I was so nervous

Every person I passed

I wondered if they knew what I had done 

I was paranoid to the hilt 

Thinking I could hear whispers of 

There she is 

That's her 

That's the girl that was caught shoplifting

But I really wanted to face my demons

And I brought my dogs for their usual hour long walk

I even went in to the shop where the shop owner stopped me

No comments were passed 

But then it was weekend staff that were on

And the only thing the shop assistant said to me was asking me if I'd been away as I had a great colour

I left the shop

And decided to go to the leisure centre to use the sun bed

That meant that I had to walk through the hotel that was right beside the shop where it happened 

I walked quickly

Wanting to get in and out as fast as possible

My heart started to thump when I saw a girl with blonde hair exit the hotel

For a second I was sure it was her

But when I looked closer 

It wasn't her

I breathed a sigh of relief

And continued in to the hotel 

It sucks that I can't go in to that shop anymore

As it was my favourite shop

And I buy things in there quite often

But now I am effectively barred

And that is not a nice feeling

As I wrote yesterday

I had written the shop owner a letter

I haven't sent it in to the shop yet

As I think I am going to re write it

To explain in a bit more detail

As you know 

I have struggled massively with shoplifting over the years

It's tied up in my ED 

First it was food

Then clothes and other items 

In all the years I was doing it

I was never once caught

Up until now that is

I remember being in treatment

And other girls talking about their shoplifting 

I was so glad that I wasn't the only one

As I had come to the conclusion that I was a bad person

Who did bad things

I also remember being at a meeting a long time ago

A woman shared that she had been caught shoplifting the previous day

And was feeling really ashamed

The girl who shared after her told her that it was a blessing in disguise

Because now she would never do that again

It's a lesson hard learned 

I have well and truly learned my lesson

I was shopping today

And sometimes I would skip something in to my bag

Well not today

And never again

I will never forget that feeling of someone tipping me on the back and saying 'Excuse me, did you take something?'

I never want to go through that again

I still don't know the damage I've done

I don't know how many people that girl has told 

I don't know how blackened my name is

I guess time will tell

Even though I feel huge shame about what I did

There was never a question in my mind that I would share this experience with my readers

My blog is all about telling the ugly truth of what it's like to live with an ED and addiction

And everything that goes with that

It was easy writing that post on Thursday

I mean who wants to admit that they were caught stealing?

I didn't go it so it would make for interesting reading 

I didn't do it because I have no money

I did it because part of me is still very unwell

Because my thinking and behaviours can still be very disordered 

I know I have a long way to go

And a lot of work still to do 

I am a flawed individual

Very flawed 

I make mistakes on a daily basis 

I fuck up regularly 

But I know that

Deep down

In my heart

And in my soul 

That I am not a bad person 

And it's not my intention to hurt anyone

I would much rather hurt myself that anyone else

I try to be a good person 

I really do

I love my family and friends to pieces

Am fiercely loyal

And would do anything for them

However sometimes

Against my better judgement 

I do stupid things

Really stupid things

I guess the trick is to learn from these mistakes

Move on

And not spend the rest of my natural life beating myself up

Easier said than done

But it must be done

Or else guilt and shame will fester and eat me up

So that's what I will do 

I will take the learning

And never repeat that mistake again

In fact

It is much easier to be honest

To live an honest life

Being untrue or deceitful is hard work

And you're always looking over your shoulder

Hoping and praying you won't be caught

It's no life really

As I am shown time and time again

I have the most amazing people around me

My family 

My friends

My dogs

And all my beautiful ladies here

Who never fail to rally around when times aw tough

Thank you for that

It means more than you will ever know

Thank you

All my love,

Ruby x