Saturday, 23 May 2015

The ugly truth

I tried writing a post about something else earlier
But 
In truth 
My thoughts are still consumed with what happened on Thursday 
I still can't quite believe that it happened 
And how close I came to really getting in to trouble with the law
It still feels like a bad dream
Like I'm going to wake up any minute now
But unfortunately 
It did happen
And there's nothing I can do to change that

I had been in hiding since Thursday
Only venturing out to go to my meetings
But today
I decided to bite the bullet
And head in to the town where it happened 
I shit you not
I was so nervous
Every person I passed
I wondered if they knew what I had done 
I was paranoid to the hilt 
Thinking I could hear whispers of 

There she is 
That's her 
That's the girl that was caught shoplifting

But I really wanted to face my demons
And I brought my dogs for their usual hour long walk
I even went in to the shop where the shop owner stopped me
No comments were passed 
But then it was weekend staff that were on
And the only thing the shop assistant said to me was asking me if I'd been away as I had a great colour

I left the shop
And decided to go to the leisure centre to use the sun bed
That meant that I had to walk through the hotel that was right beside the shop where it happened 
I walked quickly
Wanting to get in and out as fast as possible
My heart started to thump when I saw a girl with blonde hair exit the hotel
For a second I was sure it was her
But when I looked closer 
It wasn't her
I breathed a sigh of relief
And continued in to the hotel 

It sucks that I can't go in to that shop anymore
As it was my favourite shop
And I buy things in there quite often
But now I am effectively barred
And that is not a nice feeling

As I wrote yesterday
I had written the shop owner a letter
I haven't sent it in to the shop yet
As I think I am going to re write it
To explain in a bit more detail

As you know 
I have struggled massively with shoplifting over the years
It's tied up in my ED 
First it was food
Then clothes and other items 
In all the years I was doing it
I was never once caught
Up until now that is

I remember being in treatment
And other girls talking about their shoplifting 
I was so glad that I wasn't the only one
As I had come to the conclusion that I was a bad person
Who did bad things

I also remember being at a meeting a long time ago
A woman shared that she had been caught shoplifting the previous day
And was feeling really ashamed
The girl who shared after her told her that it was a blessing in disguise
Because now she would never do that again
It's a lesson hard learned 

I have well and truly learned my lesson
I was shopping today
And sometimes I would skip something in to my bag
Well not today
And never again
I will never forget that feeling of someone tipping me on the back and saying 'Excuse me, did you take something?'
I never want to go through that again

I still don't know the damage I've done
I don't know how many people that girl has told 
I don't know how blackened my name is
I guess time will tell

Even though I feel huge shame about what I did
There was never a question in my mind that I would share this experience with my readers
My blog is all about telling the ugly truth of what it's like to live with an ED and addiction
And everything that goes with that
It was easy writing that post on Thursday
I mean who wants to admit that they were caught stealing?
I didn't go it so it would make for interesting reading 
I didn't do it because I have no money
I did it because part of me is still very unwell
Because my thinking and behaviours can still be very disordered 
I know I have a long way to go
And a lot of work still to do 
I am a flawed individual
Very flawed 
I make mistakes on a daily basis 
I fuck up regularly 
But I know that
Deep down
In my heart
And in my soul 
That I am not a bad person 
And it's not my intention to hurt anyone
I would much rather hurt myself that anyone else
I try to be a good person 
I really do
I love my family and friends to pieces
Am fiercely loyal
And would do anything for them
However sometimes
Against my better judgement 
I do stupid things
Really stupid things
I guess the trick is to learn from these mistakes
Move on
And not spend the rest of my natural life beating myself up
Easier said than done
But it must be done
Or else guilt and shame will fester and eat me up

So that's what I will do 
I will take the learning
And never repeat that mistake again
In fact
It is much easier to be honest
To live an honest life
Being untrue or deceitful is hard work
And you're always looking over your shoulder
Hoping and praying you won't be caught
It's no life really

As I am shown time and time again
I have the most amazing people around me
My family 
My friends
My dogs
And all my beautiful ladies here
Who never fail to rally around when times aw tough
Thank you for that
It means more than you will ever know
Thank you

All my love,

Ruby x

10 comments:

  1. Shoplifting is just as much of an addiction as a drug or an eating disorder. The same psychological stuff is involved. Same with gambling. Or compulsive shopping. It took me accumulating almost $20,000 in debt to give that up. There is a high in taking something and getting away with it, in betting half your paycheck and winning back triple, in swiping a piece of plastic and taking home a $300 pair of designer shoes. And a lot of the time you need to experience the other end of that spectrum--getting caught shoplifting, losing everything you have to a card game, credit cards all getting declined because they're maxed out--to really put a stop to the addiction.

    We all suck sometimes, but most of the time we don't, and that's what matters. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally agree Mich
      Same shit
      Different substance
      I definitely have a spending problem
      The minute I get money in to my hand
      I have it spent before it even gets to my pocket
      Clothes are my weakness
      It used to be smokes
      But since I gave up
      I am finding other things to spend my money on

      True Mich
      We suck sometimes
      But I will definitely learn my lesson from this incident x

      Delete
    2. hi ruby, im probably alone on this but i think maybe don't send the note ,you already sorry and she must of known it. i would put it behind you, the last thing you need is her contacting you and expecting all sorts,also if change minds don't want to give your details? maybe send a note but don't put your number or offer to make amends.im sorry if this comes across wrong but sometimes trying to do the right thing can come back and bite you.
      i think your right this had to happen so you wouldn't do it again,try to stop feeling guilty and recognise it as part of your illness, which, despite the odd setback, you are doing a remarkable job of recovering from! lots love jo xx

      Delete
  2. ps we are all flawed, we are all human and we all mess up on a daily basis. not many people are brave enough to own up to it though. you are. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will think about it Jo
      I'm not sure what to do yet
      But I will give the girl a few days to cool off
      And then decide what to do
      I know what you mean though
      So thank you x

      Delete
  3. Hello sweetheart.
    I can't say anything without risking sounding repetitive but I will say this.
    Chin up. You are ok, and you will be even better. It's just a bump and you have all the tools to get over it.
    I have every faith in you, and you have all my support ^-^

    Love you to bits
    Mandy xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Hun
      It means a lot to have your support

      Love you to bits and pieces x

      Delete
  4. Do it ASAP

    She probably wouldn't have talked much anyway but the letter will help put out that fire.

    Just write straight from the heart as you do here. You are very disarming and charming.

    Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aw that's such a lovely thing to say
      I am actually blown away
      Don't know what to say except thank you for your kind words x

      Delete
  5. And yes you are right. If you live right it's actually far more relaxing/easier.

    Never getting caught out in a lie never have all that adrenalin running about over small things.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x