For you

A lot has changed for me over the past year

As I dip my toe in to this thing called recovery 

My whole life has had a transformation 

And that includes my blogging and writing

I read back on old posts

And I see a very different girl

A girl that was physically and mentally compromised

I lived in what I call Deaths Waiting Room

Some where between life and death

Limbo

A wishy washy no mans land 

My writing back then was hopeless

I wrote from a really bad place

A place where my ED called the shots

And I had little or no control over my life

It was a living hell

I tell no lie

As I have started to recover

My writing has changed

I'm sure you have noticed too

I'm more positive 

Optimistic

I guess I am no longer existing

I am living my life 

My way

For the first time in years

And as I tentatively venture in to recovery

So my reading has changed too

Some of the blogs I used to read

I can no longer

For a variety of reasons

Some blogs are very triggering

And I have to protect myself from that

I hope you understand 

A lot of the time 

It's just too upsetting to read about so many of you beautiful girls struggles

I think of all the wonderful people here on blogger

Pouring their hearts in to the giant abyss that is the internet 

The bottomless vacuum that is the World Wide Web

It's overwhelming to think of all these people suffering

And so 

A lot of the time 

I can't read it

I'm hoping you understand

If your blog is one of the blogs I've stopped reading

I am truly sorry 

But as I said 

I have to protect myself

If you are reading this today

Then post is for you

If you are in recovery 

If you are thinking about recovery

If you are fighting the daily battle against this illness

This post is for you

If you are not in recovery 

If you can't even contemplate it

If your ED seems too big to conquer

If you are losing hope 

If you feel utterly lost

Desperate

This post is for you

If you are struggling with anorexia

Bulimia

EDNOS

Binge eating disorder 

Depression

Anxiety

Bipolar disorder

Personality disorder

Or any other mental health issue

This post is for you

If you are alone in this world

If you don't have family or friends to turn to

If you feel you have no one 

This post is for you

If you haven't told anyone about your ED

If you are silently battling your demons

This post is for you 

If you feel like it's all too much

If you feel like you can't do this

If you feel overwhelmed 

This post is for you 

If you read this blog every day

If you read sometimes 

If you just stumbled across it today

This post is for you

I know that sometimes recovery seems impossible

And that there is no point in trying 

Out EDs can convince us that we are weak

And we can't do it

Our EDs would have us believe that recovery is not an option

I'm here to tell you that recovery is possible

I was at a point in my life 

Where I thought the only option was death

Because I would have rather died than live this half life any more 

I know it seems like my recovery started very suddenly

And it did in a lot of ways

But in reality 

I have been trying to recover for years

I'm even hesitant to use the word recovery

As I don't always feel I am in recovery

But as they say in AA

The only requirement  for membership is a desire to stop using/drinking 

I just want you to know 

That there is hope

There is always hope

I thought I was a lost cause

I figured if my addiction didn't kill me

Then my ED would 

The odds were stacked against me

And I felt I didn't have a chance at life or recovery

So please

Don't  give up

Don't give in

Keep that light in your heart alive

I have seen people at deaths door make a remarkable recovery

We are never too far gone 

Never a lost cause

You can do this

You can have a better life

I promise you this

Give yourself the greatest gift

The gift of life

Reach out and grab it

Don't let it pass you by

Because all too soon 

This life will be over

And will have been just a drop in the ocean of history

Don't let your ED take one more year, month, day from you

Because in spite of what she says

She wants us dead

That is her ultimate goal

To take our lives

Don't let her do that 

Don't let her win

There is nothing glamorous or romantic about starving yourself to death

Or purging do much that you go in to cardiac arrest

I was lucky

I made it out relatively unscathed

But as you know

Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness

So please

Do it

Go for it

Take that leap of faith

Grab the gift of recovery with both hands 

And don't let go

It will be worth it

I just know it will be