General Update

You might have noticed that I deleted a post called Sisters

I wrote it from place where I am still reeling from the argument

So I decided it was better to delete it

As I'm sure we'll be back to normal pretty soon

So I decided to do a general update instead

On the whole

Things are good

The best they've been in a long time

My mood is better

I've accepted that my base line mood is probably lower than the average person

It's just in me to be on the melancholic side

But that's ok

It just makes my happier moments all the sweeter

I tend to be more of a pessimist than an optimist

A kind of expect the worst, hope for the best type of person

But that's ok too

It just means I enjoy it all the more when things do go right

My weight is stable

Praise the Lord my weight is stable!

Like I would let you forget that little nugget of information

I know

I often write about my weight

But it's a big thing for me (excuse the pun)

As I'm sure it is for any one struggling with an eating disorder

And those in recovery

Those numbers become ingrained in our brains

I only have to look at a photo of myself

And I can tell you exactly what weight I was then 

My weight has yo-yo'ed for so long

I've been every weight from emaciated to healthy 

And have clothes in all those sizes too

But my weight now seems to have settled at a BMI of about 20

Even though Mary has asked me not to

I still weigh most days

I can't help myself 

Sometimes it's to reassure myself

Sometimes to torture myself

Whatever the reason 

I weigh a lot 

I guess it's all part of the disorder

It's an addiction

And a need to control

My weight fluctuates about five pounds up and down over the course of a month

When it's lower I feel better

And when it's higher I am trying to get it down again

But I'm sure it has a lot to do with periods 

And bloating before that time of the month

Looking at myself in the mirror

I think I am seeing myself as I really am

There was definitely a time when I was at my thinnest

That I couldn't see how thin I was 

But I think that distortion has gone now

When I look in the mirror

I feel just about ok with what I see

Not disgusted

Not fantastic

Just pretty much ok

And having a tan is a big part of that I think

I know it's not healthy to be tanning 

But I feel compelled to do it 

As I think it's helping me accept my body

My eyes still go to my flabby bits

My wobbly bits

The round bits 

And the bits that used to be toned

But I think that's normal for any woman

Not just someone with an ED

Of course maintaining a healthy weight 

Is not just about the aesthetics

It's essential for a healthy body 

Underweight 

Or overweight

Whatever I may be

It effects my health

My organs

The systems of the body

Hair, nails and skin

Everything

I went without a period for over ten years

And even though they are now back

The are still very irregular 

My physical health has drastically improved since regaining weight

I didn't realise how unwell I was 

Until I started to feel better

What else?

There is always the subject of my meds

I'm not managing too well in that respect

I misuse them about every second day

Which is not good

I was at a meeting during the week

And someone told me that I looked 'alert'

And that sometimes I look like I am 'nodding off'

I was mortified to hear this

I know some days I've gone to meetings feeling sleepy

But I didn't think I was actually falling asleep

My sister also challenged me about this during the week

So why am I still doing this I hear you ask

I'm deliberately not telling Mary or my doctor

I'm getting my meds dispensed weekly now

So I have the opportunity to abuse them

Again

It goes back to my inability to live in reality

That urge to get out of my own head

To escape

The thing is 

I am planning to start a course in September 

They rang this week to arrange a date for my interview 

Which is in a couple of weeks

I know if I want to do this 

And be really present 

I have to get on top of this meds situation

Or else I am going to slip further and further down the rabbit hole 

Food wise

Things could also be better 

But like the veritable ostrich

I am burying my head in the sand

And pretending that everything is ok

The last time I saw Mary

She asked me not to weigh

And to keep a food diary

Neither of which I have been doing

I still believe that if I stop purging

My weight will spin out of control

I guess I won't know this until I try

But I don't know if I want to try 

Which is a terrible thing to say

But it's the truth

So I guess

Overall

A lot of work has been done

But there is still work to do

As I always say

Baby steps all the way