Saturday, 27 June 2015

Nervous Nelly....

Today is Saturday 
Which means the tv show is being recorded the day after tomorrow
And boy am I a nervous nelly 
My heart flutters every time I think of speaking in front of so many people
I am afraid that these people
Family members 
And professionals
Are going to look to me for all the answers
And I'm not sure if I have them
Or even if I have any

I haven't really been prepped for this discussion on Monday
I mean
I had a conversation with Dyna the presenter/ producer
And she outlined what the discussion will centre around
I am worried that I will either babble on like a raving lunatic
Ot completely freeze
And won't be able to utter a word 
I know the other people involved in the discussion are the mother of an eleven year old girl that is suffering with an ED
A psychiatrist
And the director of an eating disorder clinic
I know I will be asked what advice I can give the mother of the young girl
And I've been thinking about it a lot
My disorder developed when I was about 19
So to all intents and purposes I was an adult
So I haven't experienced my ED as a child
Of course the age does not matter
But I do think it makes a difference that this girl is a minor
And her parents are responsible for her
So I'm sure they're doing everything in their power to help their daughter
But the reality is
That no one can make you eat
No matter how hard they try

Eleven years old is so young
And it's such a complicated illness
That I'm sure this poor child does not even understand what is happening to her
But she is not starving herself because she is a happy well adjusted child
Something is going on there
And somehow she has got the message that if she doesn't eat
This will somehow help her situation
I'm sure her and her parents are locked in a battle of wills
And it becomes a competition to see who can hold on the longest 
In this childs mind
Her parents have now become the enemy
And the disorder has become her friend 
In a child's world 
It's as simple as that

EDs change the most well mannered polite person in to a lying, cheating manipulative and difficult person
It's a lot like living with an addict
The addiction takes over
And to the addict
Nothing else matters
Only the drug 
Or the ED
So how do we go about helping someone with an ED?
How does a family navigate the choppy waters that are anorexia or bulimia 
First off
I think we need to recognise that the disorder fulfills a need in the person
The person is getting some sort of pay off
Whether it be control
The perfect figure
Relief of anxiety
Often the sufferer won't entertain recovery 
Until the negatives of the disorder begin to out weigh the benefits
The first port of call is usually your GP
He/ she is not an expert in EDs
And will refer the sufferer on to mental health services
Or what ever services are available in the community
I saw numerous counsellors and therapists over the years 
And found them of little help
But then I had no interest in getting well
It wasn't until I started seeing Mary a few years ago that I began to even entertain the idea of recovery
I've also been inpatient numerous times
And have come to the conclusion that it is not for me
I don't doubt that it works for some people
But definitely not me
I have always done much better recovering from home
That's probably because I am lucky enough to have a very strong family around me

Often in the grip of an ED
Our world shrinks to just us and the disorder
We push away family and friends 
We lose interest in school and hobbies
And become completely immersed in the ED
We read about it
Watch films about it
Watch documentaries about it
Maybe we speak to others on line about it
Nothing else matters
Nothing else captures our attention like our ED
I thinking the tricks of recovery
Is finding something that matters to you more than the ED
What ever that may be
A hobby
A job
A person
An interest
In my case it was my dogs 
They meant more to me than my ED ever could 
And have massively helped me in my recovery
Everyone has something that they love 
Be it horse riding
Hula hooping 
It could be absolutely any thing
As long as it means something to you

I don't have all the answers 
All I can do is share what worked for me
And give some one rough guide lines
I'm not an expert
I have been through it
And am lucky to have made it out relatively unscathed 
I like to use the analogy of the wild animal when talking about recovery
I think recovery is like training a wild animal
You can train it 
And manage it 
But there is always the possibility that it will bite
As you can never fully tame it
I never consider myself out of the woods 
I know it's a life long battle
With many hurdles
All we can do is take it day by day
Meal by meal
Keep putting one foot in front of the other
And keep going
To have hope 
And courage
And as I always like to say
Baby steps all thee way! 


  1. You are so ready to do this I have every faith in you my dear *-* just deep breaths and as you say, baby steps. You will do great <3

    You've probably thought about this all ready but yeah xD You are so good with writing I suggest writing flashcards with pointers about the topics you want to talk about to consult if you feel lost or rambly or blank.
    Just keep a clear mind and don't panic.

    I have every faith in you, I've said it before and I'll say it again ^-^
    Just talk about what you know <3
    Take care my dear ^-^
    Mandy xx

    1. Thank you Mandy
      Flash cards are a great idea
      And I will definitely use them
      I guess all
      I can do is be honest
      And share my experience
      I am nervous
      But really want to do this

      Thank you for your kind words x

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  3. Please try to use the wild animal analogy in your interview! Good luck xx


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