Sweet Dreams

I've always had a slightly different relationship with sleep

I absolutely love sleeping 

I love falling asleep 

I love feeling tired

And being just on the verge of falling asleep

My sleep patterns are directly connected to my drug addiction

I can remember as a child 

Maybe around 12 years old

Going to my mother

And complaining that I couldn't sleep 

It was a lie

I could sleep perfectly well

But she brought me to the doctor

And I distinctly remember hoping that he would put me on sleeping tablets

Even at that young age

I craved the sweet release of sleep 

All through my teenage years

I looked for the perfect escape

I craved oblivion

And At age 18

I became addicted to Heroin

Heroin is the ultimate escape

It kept me in a twilight world

Somewhere between sleep and reality

I used to try and keep myself in a state where I could fall asleep at any time

Check off the planet when ever I wanted  

If you've ever seen someone on heroin

They can literally sleep standing up 

And you go to a kind of different world 

Almost like being in a dream

A dream where you haven't a care in the world

Where everything is soft and light and floaty

My words do no justice to describe the feeling that heroin gives

But I must also be careful not to forget the negatives of drug use

Because there were many 

And in the end I had to get sober

Although I put down heroin

I picked up alcohol and prescription meds

And again sleep became my drug

I would drink a bottle of vodka and take a handful of pills

And drift off to another place

I used to sit on the mat in front of the fire place

Cigarette in hand 

Burning holes in the carpet

Drifting in and out of consciousness 

Sitting cross legged

With my head on my knees

But then my precious sleep turned on me

And I began to experience night terrors

They hit me out of the blue

The first time I experienced them

I was just back from a holiday in Spain

I had done pretty much nothing but drink on the holiday

And I think when I got home

I had gone into withdrawal 

For a few nights in a row 

I experienced terrifying nightmares

Dreams that made no sense

But we're utterly shocking

I would let out blood curling screams 

And someone would come and wake me up

I woke up in a cold sweat

Afraid to back to sleep 

I remember sleeping beside my mother on more than one occasion 

I was that scared

I've had night terrors from time to time over the years

Usually when I'm stressed

Or in active addiction

I live in fear of them 

Any time I've been in treatment

Sleep has been an issue

I'd fall asleep in groups 

And it was put yo me that I use sleep as an escape

I can't argue with that

It's very true

I switch off when things get too much

I literally conk out

Which most likely contributed to the fact that treatment didn't work for me 

I also asked for meds that I didn't really need 

But wanted to use as an escape

Including sleeping pills

And anti anxiety meds

I was constantly running from reality

My favourite time of the whole day

Is those few minutes when I lie down at night

When my head hits the pillow

Those few minutes before I fall asleep 

When my head and body are so relaxed

So at peace

When my head is clear from all the clutter of the day

When nothing matters 

When I'm not an addict

When I don't have an ED

When I am just a person falling asleep

It's sheer bliss

At the moment 

Sleep is still my drug

I have at least one nap a day

And can usually fall asleep at the drop of a hat

But something strange happened this week regarding sleep 

The reflexology lady rang me

Or at least I thought she rang me

To ask me if I was coming to my appointment on Wednesday

I said that I couldn't make it

And she offered me an appointment on Friday

Yesterday

So I accepted that

Yesterday afternoon

I made my way in to the village

And knocked on her door

No answer 

I waited in my car for a while 

Then knocked again

No answer

Then I started to wonder if I had got the time wrong 

I looked through my text messages with the woman

And I saw that I had confirmed that I would make next Wednesday's appointment

I then started to doubt that I had spoken to her at all 

Do I checked my recent calls

And there was no record of her ringing me

Or be ringing her

This really freaked me out 

And the only conclusion I could come to was that I dreamed it 

There was no other explanation

This is nothing new

Over the years I have often mistaken dreams for reality

Especially during the drug years

I also have a fear of not being able to sleep

That's why I always get up really early 

So I will tire myself out by the end of the day

I hate sleeping in

Because then I fear I won't sleep that night

I think that harks back to my using days

And times when I was in withdrawal

Alone 

At night

In physical and mental torture 

And everything seems worse at night I think

I guess there is nothing wrong with loving sleep

But as with everything 

There is a healthy balance

Something that I always struggle with

I'm wondering am I the only one

What is your relationship with sleep like?

Do you use it to escape like me?

Have you ever experienced night terrors or any thing like them?

I'd love to know.....