General Update

Today I am two weeks scale free

It's been hard

But so worth it

I saw Mary during the week

She weighed me

But I didn't look

She told me I was 'in and around the same'

I don't know what I am the same as

But I didn't ask for a specific number

I had a physical reaction when she weighed me

My heart thumped in my chest

Thoughts racing 

Anxiety through the roof

I can't lie though 

I was just dying to ask her my weight

Even when I hit home later on

I was tempted to ring her or text her

But I managed not to

As I have said 

I am trying to go by how I feel 

Rather than what I look like

And I feel quite good

Most of the time

My clothes still fit me

So that's a good way to judge

I am clearing out my room at the moment

I have so much clothes and shoes

Of every size imaginable

My weight has yoyo-ed so much over the years 

That I've had to have all these clothes

But now that my weight is somewhat stable

I am getting rid of any thing that is too small or too big

And things that I haven't worn in the last year

Some of the clothes I have found are teeny tiny

I can't believe that as a grown adult I ever fit in to them 

They look like doll clothes they are so small 

It's cathartic though

Getting rid of all this baggage

This time last year

I couldn't bring myself to throw my anorectic clothes out

But now 

I feel like it's time for them to go

And I feel able to say good bye to that part of my life

I'm having an issue with one of my friends

This is the girl who I had considered my best friend 

But recently things have not been good between us

She tends to blow hot and cold

Sometimes I hear from her nearly every day

Then I don't hear from her in weeks 

She doesn't always reply to my texts

She knows that o have been struggling recently

And during the week she sent me a text telling me that I could talk to her

And she wouldn't judge me

And please could we meet up the following day as she really wanted to help me

I said I would meet her 

And told her to text me the following day

The next came

And no word from her

I texted her to ask her if she still wanted to meet up

She said she was in the beauticians 

And was then going to get tattoo work done

I asked if she didn't want to meet up

She replied that she didn't have time

I felt really hurt

And really used

She has no problem texting me or phoning me when she wants something 

And she can be very manipulative

It's just coming to the stage where I'm not happy with the friendship 

And have decided to take a step back

If nothing else than to protect myself 

I've known this girl for years 

We've been friends on and off for a long time

She has addiction issues

And also in recovery from an ED

So we have a lot in common

But personality wise we are very different 

She can be very nice and friendly one minute

Then cold and aloof the next

And sometimes I don't know where I stand with her

I remember a while ago

I had been to a meeting that her ex boyfriend was at

She told me that as her 'best friend' could I tell her what he said

I felt hurt they she would manipulate me like that 

As I would never ask her to break a confidence like that

The other thing is that she likes to talk

Mainly about other people

She likes a good gossip

And a good bitch 

Now at this point I must stress that I am no angel

And am partial to a bit of juicy gossip

But I do draw the line at hurting someone or breaking a confidence

My friend doesn't seem to

And I do wonder

When I walk out of the room

Is she talking about me too?

I guess I am wondering what to do

I have decided to take a step back from the friendship

To cool off

And let the dust settle

I know this girl has a lot on

As she has children

But I am letting her walk all over me

And it has to stop

I am gentle and quite quiet by nature

And I feel she is taking advantage of me

The thing is 

I am second guessing myself 

Because one minute this girl is really nice and friendly

And the next she is being really bitchy

Sometimes I wonder if I am being to sensitive

But I have talked it over with my Mum and sister 

And they think I should step back too

The thing is 

That I don't have a lot of friends

I would much rather have a few good friends

Than lots of aquaintances 

But this girl has gone too far this time

And I am wondering if I should cut my losses and move on

I guess the other option would be to say all this to her

I mean I don't think she is even aware that she has hurt me

I remember last year 

I loaned her my travel pass

As she was going to Dublin once a week

I didn't mind loaning it to her

But months later

She still hasn't given it back to me

And never even mentioned it

I had an awful time trying to get it back off her

And she really gave me the run around

Eventually I got it back

But I felt so used and hurt by the whole thing 

It's strange

The people who I have really warmed to at the meetings 

Are people who are a lot older than me

I seem to get on better with them

Than with people my own age

At least I know where I stand with these people

I guess I do need to learn to be assertive and stand up for myself

I think people will treat you the way you let them

And I have let this girl take advantage of me

I will carry on with my life

And my recovery

But I am going to play it cool with this girl 

And make sure she knows that I am hurt

And I won't stand for this any longer

I was wondering about you

Have you ever been in a situation like this?

Where a friend has treated you badly

What did you you?

What do you think that I should do?

I'd love to know.....